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#435747 - 05/25/13 01:59 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1155
Loc: michigan
hey victor
I don't know that i have anything to say that will be of use to you but I will try. my first abuser was a female, a babysitter at about 5. the things she did were violent and I don't know,to this day it confuses the hell out of me. because to me every contact after that became very frightening and identified by the first. That first time she had me naked over her lap touching but she was also violent. when she had finished, because I got aroused, she called me a perv! I didn't even know what that was then but i knew it was bad and very much came to think of getting hard as a bad thing, which was just re enforced in later times.
Reason I say this is, I never had any way to check my thought process, it just was. You mention you felt amoral so young. perhaps that is because the messages that were sent to you, and received, were that this is OK. There is no problem here. as a kid we have very little to help us discover truth. Even if it doesn't feel right we are easily swayed because so many things are like that in a child's experience going to school for the first time,fears about high places,there are any number of things and we realize soon that these are normal things. so your experience and mine we believed a lie. and we were left to try to sort it all out later... I guess we are still trying.
Try not to be too hard on yourself man you are the victim here, and your cousin. It was abuse from the beginning. just as an extension of your uncle. BTW I believe all my first abusers including one my age had been abused themselves just because of the way they acted toward me and how it seemed so familiar and normal for them. That doesn't mean I was not abused only that abuse becomes VERY complex. hope that helped some

Edited by newground (05/25/13 02:04 PM)
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#435788 - 05/25/13 09:11 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
thanks jeff.

it feels good just to know someone is giving this some thought, helping me sort it out.

what you said makes perfect sense to me.


#436762 - 06/04/13 03:16 AM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
LeGrandVent Offline

Registered: 03/14/13
Posts: 7
Hey victor,

I can absolutely relate to the staggering confusion that stems from sexual abuse at such a young age. That confusion is amplified by a young female perpetrator that much more because society doesn't seem young girls as capable of such behavior. My perpetrator wouldn't have aroused any suspicions walking down the street as an 8 year old girl, that's for sure. Society has this idea that the people to fear all display signs that they're capable of such behavior, and you just have to channel surf for a minute to see it...people suspect men in hoodies in dark allies to do this. A young girl as a sexual abuser breaks society's mold of what an abuser looks like. Which is something we need to get through to people. Perpetrators can surprise you. They are nearly always someone the survivor knows. (I say survivor because victim doesn't even come close to explaining the strength and fortitude it takes to survive sexual assault/abuse/rape.)

In my opinion, despite your perpetrator being your cousin, what she did to you was indeed abuse. But almost undoubtedly the behavior was learned, and I believe her testimony about her abuse. There's way too much on the line for anyone to make up a story like that, which is something society needs to get their head around, that survivors stories are REAL.

That said, despite it being abuse, you can have compassion for what she went through. That is completely understandable, I worry that my perpetrator was serially abused, I just don't know by who. And you seem to have tried to have reached out to your cousin, and the fact that the family has rallied against her and around your uncle is a true tragedy. As tough as it is though, I think you need to focus on your healing. If the opportunity arises and you get back in touch with her and can help, definitely try, but be sure not to lose yourself in the process. Best to have two feet steady on the ground before undertaking something that big, in my opinion.

Confusion is part of the process, so don't be too hard on yourself. Believe me, I'm in the same stage, so its something I'm trying to hold myself to as well. Once you get through the confusion though you can start becoming aware of the specific emotions and sensations that come up around events in your life. And that's where the real progress begins.

I hope this helps. PM if you want too.

#485686 - 07/18/15 11:35 AM Re: was it abuse? [Re: LeGrandVent]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
dear LeGrandVent,
sorry i took so long to notice your reply.
thank you for your words and support.
i appreciate your advice and the good intentions.
i have no ill will or bad feelings about my cousin nor against her. nothing but deep abiding love.

again i apologize for not getting back to you sooner.


#485687 - 07/18/15 12:20 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
lostc Offline

Registered: 08/12/14
Posts: 101

#486309 - 08/01/15 02:59 AM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
smc1972 Offline

Registered: 10/17/14
Posts: 151
Loc: SD
I understand the whole question one I ask myself at times even today at 43yo. Mine was with my parents and I still at times find myself trying to say it wasent. I let it happen even as a teen and initiated it at times. So I think how can I blame them or not blame myself.

I forever told myself how I was lucky that I got to be loved. I was not beating or hurt that I was loved. It still messes my mind up even more over the last couple of years.

#487835 - 08/31/15 04:51 PM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
SubtleStuff Offline

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 418
Loc: North America
Hi Victor,
Originally Posted By: victor-victim
she fed my starving ego.
we almost got caught in the act by her violent husband.
my life was so terrible at that time,

These are the clues I'm using to figure out whether or not it was an act of love or misuse of power (that's how I keep my head straight around abuse. I deal with LOTS of confusion and doubt myself frequently because the stuff in my story is very subtle and covert. I often have to remind myself of whose needs were actually being met.)

Your self esteem needed boosting. Was having sex with a much older married woman the best way she could have helped you with this?

What she was doing was clearly not OK with her husband. Was involving you in a potentially violent situation good for you? What did that do for your relationships with men? Did it feel good to have to keep it a secret from someone who was clearly close to her? What did this do to your impression of sex?

How did this help improve your life? Did it actually make things better or did it simply patch over the problems like a drug?

What would have been best for you at that time? What did YOU want. It clearly served her. It temporarily kept her from facing the reality of her marriage. You were passive. Was that out of fear of standing up for yourself and your basic needs?

I hope this helps clear up the confusion a bit.



#489858 - 10/10/15 04:19 AM Re: was it abuse? [Re: victor-victim]
silenttolong Offline

Registered: 08/31/15
Posts: 25
Loc: canada
I was 12 when it started She was my stepmother and 35

She taught me things first Then we had intercourse
It was so good

Never mind that she was in control That she was taking parts of my mind and changing its normal development
That I was being used for her pleasure only

After a while I was required to do things to her that were not pleasant for me to do Things no 12 -13 -14 year old boy should be made to do

Are you going to be a good boy now ??????
I was always trying to be a "Good Boy"

It was do it or be punished ridiculed shamed and humiliated
The smell of the alcohol the sometimes unclean body
The feel of her untrimmed hair and the smell and taste of pee in it
It comes back to me at times Haunts me

What makes it all worse is sometimes I want to be part of it again


I was no longer being Groomed
There was no need I was now her toy
Ashamed I had liked it at first
Sickened by it BUT no way out No way to stop it

But I did at 16 I left them both Her and my unknowing father
I tried to forget it but went back to her a few times !8 !9 Then she died and I was glad
For 63 years I kept quiet
Only I knew of our shame


Events made it come out a few months ago
I am trying to cope
They know how to start you off and then its to late for us to young to alone
Stepmothers Aren't we supposed to be safe loved and able to trust them?????
Always remember the power of one

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas time if you stop opening presents and just listen

love is what makes you smile when your tired and lost

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