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#435685 - 05/25/13 01:38 AM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
I don't forgive any of the abusers who had me at any time, but I don't hate them either. I've done one confrontation so far, and the deeds done were denied. And I have little interest in wasting the mental energy on the others. Seems they have left me feeling rather ambivalent. All I feel is the crappy after effects that reverberate within.

But I do wonder when I hear of a plane going down or a bridge collapsing if so and so might have been on it. Just a few passive- aggressive thoughts I have for them from time to time.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#435686 - 05/25/13 01:50 AM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: ThisMan]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2826

Edited by Chase Eric (05/28/13 03:39 AM)
Edit Reason: Is there room for dissenting opinions?

#435693 - 05/25/13 02:24 AM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Publius
Is there anyone else out there who feels this way?
Yes sir! I am over much of my agressive anger, but I still would like to see him pay for what he did. No cruel and unusual punishment. castration would do.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#435703 - 05/25/13 02:42 AM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
a lot of abusers are acting our their own revenge fantasy when they abuse others. that is human nature.

humans need to rise above their own nature.
this is why forgiveness ends the cycle of abuse.

forgiveness is one step closer to freedom.
you do not have to condone a crime in order to forgive a criminal.

forgiveness does not mean there will be no judgement, punishment or consequences for the crime.
frogiveness is not a pardon.
forgiveness is not retroactive permission.
the criminal may never know or care that he has been forgiven.

forgiveness is a peaceful state of mind for the victim.


#435710 - 05/25/13 03:18 AM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
takingitslow Offline

Registered: 09/12/12
Posts: 95
Loc: UK
I want my perp dead asap. If he doesnt get convicted this year or commits suicide himself I'm not sure what is going to happen. He's a vengeful bastard by nature. Like really sneaky. When the police investigation started against him (instigated by me) he didn't know who was the source for his employer to discipline him for allegations at his workplace. He assumed it was a different lad so this other lad gets a fake letter through the post saying you have been fired don't bother coming to work again. This letter was handed to the police but unfortunately no finger prints were found.

Bascially I think my perp is the ultimate selfish deluded piece of shit and as long as he is alive he will look to disrupt my life in any way possible. I won't be pushed around by him in person ever again he causes me daily mental trauma so fuck him I'd love to smash his face in break every bone in his body but just having him dead will suffice.

Like right now I'm depressed beyond belief, got an exam in 4 hours which i'm screwed for because I'm in so much hopeless sadness and empty pain which just subtly hurts due to the anti depressants- like I know Im in pain I'd rather have angry pain so I can respond to it, instead I'm left with yearning for a better immediate life which is impossible, the pain of falling for a girl I live with and can't act out on even though she's interested due to all my crap/shit going on right now. It's so painful watching your life not reach potential knowing you just have to take it not working out then in the future it might get better only for you to then regret the what ifs and buts.


#435713 - 05/25/13 03:27 AM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
CloudyFalls Offline

Registered: 07/19/12
Posts: 173
Loc: Ohio
I have thought a great amount of time about killing my abuser. Weighing the consequences, ect. Fantasizing about putting a bullet in his head. So yes, I have thought about hurting my abuser, in great detail. But I'd never really kill him, but if there were no laws, I most definitely might have by now. Assaulting him? Perhaps, if I ever see him in person I might go berserk. Most I can do is build up the strength and stability to take him to court and have him face legal justice. He underestimated me, he will pay one way or another, I am a fighter.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

#435724 - 05/25/13 05:36 AM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
*** Trigger Warning***

I was abused by several different people in my youth and adolescence. One instance occurred during a camping trip in the mountains of Colorado. The perp was a long time family friend. The following morning all of us on the trip attended Mass. My abuser in this case was not a priest. During Mass I had to give my abuser the Kiss of Peace. Those of you who are Catholic understand what this is. During the Kiss of Peace, my abuser whispered into my ear " No one will ever believe you." I become enraged at that moment and just wanted to start screaming and yelling. I wanted to punch the perp's f***ing lights out. I thought in my head - "Kiss of Peace? How about I cum all over you like last night? Would that be good? We could call it the Cum of Peace." Instead of letting it out, I just had to hold it inside and seethe with anger. When Mass was over, I put on my running gear and went for a long run. I just kept running and running and running. I was gone for over two hours and ran over 12 miles that day. I had to run that long to exhaust myself so I would be too tired to feel anything. I did that every day until I could return home. My perp died about 10 years after that incident. When I heard he died, I didn't feel sorry for his family at all. Instead I felt a sense of relief, a sense of freedom knowing that he could never hurt me again. To answer the question, yes, I hated him, and wanted to beat the s*** out of him.


#435739 - 05/25/13 12:41 PM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL

Hi Publius. You certainly aren't crazy. Your anger is valid and it is justified. I personally don't even remember what my first abusers looked like. I'm not even 100% sure who they were or how they knew me. I only remember what they did. I gave up being angry at any of them a long time ago though. I still live with a lot of internal anger, although I don't think much of that is necessarily over having been abused. A lot of it does stem from the after effect of the abuse but is not directed at the abusers themselves. Maybe those two things are part in parcel to one another in some weird way though, I don't know.

Anyway, this is something I just posted in another thread. Excuse the lazy copy and paste but the exact same words apply in this thread, so I'm copying and pasting away...

"The decision to forgive or not is something that is very personal and very unique to each CSA survivor. If a CSA survivor decides to forgive their abuser, it should be done for their own benefit and not for the abuser's. Again, the abuser does not deserve to be forgiven! Don't ever listen to anyone who tells you that you need to forgive! Listen only to yourself and whatever conclusion you ultimately arrive at regarding forgiveness is the right one. What that conclusion is does not and will not make you any better or worse of a person."

So, yeah, that's pretty much how I feel about it. I will say that I can completely relate to one part of your post more than anything else though.....

Originally Posted By: Publius

I ALWAYS feel like I'm taking crazy pills!!!! Maybe someone is slipping them in our drinks!!!..... eek

#435769 - 05/25/13 06:07 PM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2826
I want to beat him to death with a baseball bat. I sometimes fantasize about running into him at a bar and just beating him with my fists. The son of a bitch took everything away from me as a child when I didn't even stand a chance. Fuck him. Is there anyone else out there who feels this way?


Edited by Chase Eric (05/28/13 03:39 AM)
Edit Reason:

#435790 - 05/25/13 09:51 PM Re: Anyone else hate their abuser/want to beat him/her [Re: Publius]
lapchinj Offline

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1481
Loc: New York
A friend of mine here at MS directed me to this thread just so I can throw in my 2 cents.

I was abused for 9 years 7 of those with my judo teacher. My parents were always in Florida and left me at home alone more or less. I don't know my history before the age of 10 so my story is from age 10 to 18 when I went into the USAF.

This man who was my judo teacher became my surrogate father so I will refer to him here as sfather. He was the father I never had I loved him. I met him when I was 12 and a very good judo student with lots of competition wins. He came to the other school that he worked for and took great interest in me. I became his student. We trained 12, 14 hours on a saturday and another 15 during the week I would sleep in his apartment when I went to practice in the city school.

Yes there was sex between us but I thought that kids had sex with their fathers. I was very happy with him. He took me to the NY World's Fair so many times I was probably in every pavilion 3 times if not more. I was in all the museums in NYC so many times I lost count. There were always presents. I truly think that we loved each other.

But he did pimp me out to people. Not to trash but to from my perspective very rich people. I was delivered to a john like a Domino's Pizza. These johns were never physically abusive with me. After I was done for the night sfather would pick me up and bring me down to his other apartment where other boys he had slept. There were 4 or us in that apartment 2 boys my age were real hardened street kids (I was 13 at the time) They weren't my type. Then there was a third kid, Bobby was his name, that was about a year and a half younger than me whose older brother was one of those 2 street kids. We all slept on a 6'x6' mattress on the floor. Both Bobby and I were gay kids and we fell for each other the first time we met when I was 12. These were the happiest 7 years of my life. The johns were no big deal they were nice and always gave us a five. We never saw any money given to sfather.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

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