Newest Members
twinker, LaneFiasco95, Kristabar, tom93, ninjei
13513 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
bcb00 (41), beginning (37), Gary H. (44), jewelmom (66), kdg2310 (58), Li Yuki (2017), monarchnaps (39), Neverquit (33), Nord (61), SoSad (48)
Who's Online
2 registered (Greg56, 1 invisible), 75 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,513 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,193 Topics
490,103 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#435554 - 05/23/13 10:22 AM New here
Climb1975 Offline

Registered: 05/21/13
Posts: 21
Loc: Brit
My first post. I experienced CSA from the age of about 7 to 11 or 12 and have tried doing nothing about it. That stopped working when my wife discovered me trying to go on a date with someone half my age. She doesn't know the half of it...

I hate using something that happened years ago as an excuse for bad behaviour. But I find that I thinking about my childhood experiences more and more. I don't know why.

Like most people in my situation I suppose, I've never discussed what was done to me with other people. But I want to deal with it now as I have a beautiful family and I don't want to lose them.

#435557 - 05/23/13 02:18 PM Re: New here [Re: Climb1975]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1136
Loc: michigan
hey climb
be assured that you are not alone. so many times the feelings,triggers, and more drive us to act in ways that are NOT healthy. Porn,acting out,drugs and drinking are not at all uncommon ways that survivors use to numb that ache inside. you are welcome here and I hope that you will make full use of the resources here not the least of which are your brother survivors. healing IS possible man through talk,therapy,tools for the journey. but it is not a pleasant hike. it is an incredible journey and a climb of inestimable strength. you have begun a new chapter here and I hope it proves helpful, I believe it will. feel free to pm me if I can help in any way or you will likely see me on chat should you go there
be well

Edited by newground (05/23/13 02:18 PM)
Edit Reason: errors
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#435573 - 05/23/13 07:08 PM Re: New here [Re: Climb1975]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia

For a lot of us, we didn't start 'thinking' about this stuff until we were in our 30s. I think that is because we just weren't mature enough before that to deal with the abuse.

This is a good safe place to talk about what happened to us but take your time. It can be overwhelming at first. If you can it is a good idea to see a therapist. They can really help you understand how CSA affected your life and develop new healthy ways to cope.

I have done my share of bad behaviour and I have a beautiful family that I don't want to lose either. CSA (or trying to cope with the aftermath) may have driven us to that behaviour but we are adults now and need to take responsibilty for those actions.

Share as much or a little as you feel comfortable with.

More than meets the eye!

#435576 - 05/23/13 07:25 PM Re: New here [Re: Climb1975]
Climb1975 Offline

Registered: 05/21/13
Posts: 21
Loc: Brit
Lee, Jeff

thanks for your comments and support. I am at the stage of trying to get my head around a lot of different and slightly conflicting ideas and emotions. I have just started trying out therapy - something which my British and male cultural upbringing finds difficult.

Of course I agree that part of being a sucessful adult is to take responsibility and that's something I need to do.

In my case I made a couple of attempts to deal with the abuse I'd experienced, both of which went wrong and which affected my desire to do so again. When I was a teenager at my high school there was a therapist and I went for one session which was terrible - she started asking me for graphic descriptions of abuse and I basically ran away. On another occasion as a young adult I confided in a (long-term) girlfriend and she seemed obsessed with the impact the information would have on her, nearly ended the relationship etc. So I concluded that trying to talk about it wasn't really much help to me.

The other thing was when it actually was going on. The perpetrator was a friend of the family and when I tried to tell my parents at first they seemed more concerned that I was inconveniencing them and that it would cause embarrassment (NB: to a slightly upper-class British family, causing embarrassment is considered about the worst crime imagineable). Later on after I had spelled out as far as I could bear what was happening my parents expressed their disappointment that I'd not told them but never expressed any kind of regret that it had happened. To this day I find it hard to accept. Strangely, I consider myself to have had a privileged and happy childhood.

In life I have been very fortunate: I went to great schools, got top marks, got good jobs, have a "happy" family and live in a nice house. And yet I get almost no pleasure from what looks like a dream life and constantly engage in self-destructive behaviour. I don't really know why.

I realise that I need to develop a healthy life whereas I have so far focused on having a successful life, which has left me feeling empty, isolated and unsatisfied.

#435590 - 05/23/13 10:04 PM Re: New here [Re: Climb1975]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 08:38 PM)

#435629 - 05/24/13 04:53 AM Re: New here [Re: Climb1975]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Welcome Climb1975,

You are making a good start by posting some of your story here and trying out therapy again. You'll find that many of the things you've experienced and felt have been discussed within the MS community. You are not alone, so have no fear. What ever you need to get off your chest will be received without judgement or condemnation. We all "get it" here.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#435657 - 05/24/13 03:58 PM Re: New here [Re: Climb1975]
Climb1975 Offline

Registered: 05/21/13
Posts: 21
Loc: Brit
Not being alone is a totally new experience for me. Geoff, I think you are the first person ever to have expressed outrage about what happened. I know I have a long way to go to deal with some of the compulsions and I'm not ready to list them here but at least I don't feel so alone and so weird, messed-up, damaged etc. I might even be a normal person!

#435662 - 05/24/13 07:17 PM Re: New here [Re: Climb1975]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6384
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
my wife and children are the inspiration and motivation that keeps me grounded and focussed on the present future, and helps me forget my negative past. replacing it with new memories of my children's happy history.
you have all the reasons you need to face your feelings head on.
this website is a resource to guide you on the path of self discovery. you will find a piece of yourself in every other person here.
welcome to the place where survivors share.


#435683 - 05/25/13 12:41 AM Re: New here [Re: Climb1975]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 954
Loc: Canada
Climb1975 ...

I'm glad you found us ...

You will find yourself among people here who needn't wait for you to finish a sentence ...
We know what you are trying to say.
That list of compulsions you feel uncomfortable talking about now ...
Will soon be a list you can't stop talking about ... because ...

You are not alone ...

You are a normal person!
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#435930 - 05/27/13 03:53 AM Re: New here [Re: Climb1975]
Dave PNW Offline

Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 129
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hey Climb 1975, I hope you find support and insights here to help you on your path. I found myself here too because I was going down a path that was leading me to pursue behaviors that could damage my relationships. I have a lot to work on, but I have found a lot of support. Hope you do to. Takes courage to admit we need help. I am a climber too. Hope you find a good route here. Wish you peace.

#435966 - 05/27/13 03:38 PM Re: New here [Re: Climb1975]
Climb1975 Offline

Registered: 05/21/13
Posts: 21
Loc: Brit
I've got to stay strong but I think I'm going backwards. My wife, who I've hurt with dishonesty, deviancy and cruelty is now so angry that I don't think she will ever trust me again. I could say it's only the kids keeping us together but in fact what I want is for us to be together and the kids are just a part of that (albeit a massively important part). I think she feels the need to punish me and I deserve that, but I can't believe that will help either of us.

#435983 - 05/27/13 05:12 PM Re: New here [Re: Climb1975]
marrkkked Offline

Registered: 05/27/13
Posts: 7
Loc: New York
Hi! Nice to meet you all.I am Alex and new here.I am glad to join this forum.I think it's best place to share and discuss here.Thanks and welcome to all.
IP lawyers

#436188 - 05/29/13 02:04 PM Re: New here [Re: Climb1975]
Rj2660 Offline

Registered: 03/14/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Texas
When we keep it inside, it becomes an F5 twister within, waiting to wreak all the havoc and tragedy possible!
If someone throws trash on my lawn and drives away, it is mine to deal with. I make the decision whether to collect it or take responsibility for cleaning it up. We are the sum of our choices. For some, these were thrust upon us at an age when we were not qualified to take such resposibility. R.J.

#436194 - 05/29/13 03:11 PM Re: New here [Re: Climb1975]
Climb1975 Offline

Registered: 05/21/13
Posts: 21
Loc: Brit
Too right RJ. And for years I allowed myself to believe that I was "better at dealing with this stuff" than other people because I'd not told anyone. Classic, pseudo-macho Anglo-Saxon response.

#436236 - 05/29/13 09:37 PM Re: New here [Re: Climb1975]
rc1965 Offline

Registered: 04/23/13
Posts: 12
HiClimb1975. You are so not alone....I could have written your intro using my experiences. For me...talking to other members does help. No judgments, just ears that listen and men who already understand.

Page 1 of 2 1 2 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.