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#435515 - 05/22/13 09:32 PM Is the first scene unfolding in my memories?
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
As usual, I stopped talking when I was with nT at the last session. I wanted him to know it began early in life, so I told him. I told him how I remembered turning around as I was led down that path to the wooden building and seeing my brothers still playing in the distance. And on thinking, I may have been only 3... almost 4. It was still warm outside and the sun was shining... and my b'day is in the fall. So, 3 or 4, guess it doesn't matter. But it does. It was my late summer day to lose. So it does matter.

And other than having my pants dropped for me and sitting on his knee butt bare- thats as far as I could go with the story without getting upset. His question of course was , "Why? Why so upset?"

Guys, its been 5 decades. thats why so upset. ... pretty tired of that number, I know I am, but I can't deal with the fact that 5 decades have passed and I go to pieces when I remember that scene. Is there something else I have blocked?

Could I have remembered the intensity of the sun that day and the vision of my brothers playing and blocked out the true degree of the intensity of what happened. Is it even worse than I think? I thought I was just a fondled, naked baby boy... but was I on that day orally or anally raped ? Would that explain why I developed bowel trouble at such an early age? I remember hurting down there and having periods of not nice stuff to deal with. And the eating disorders? Its been this way my whole life. Am i slowly putting a puzzle together? The thoughts of that have me almost terrified and immensely, completing torn apart tonight.

I know for a fact that I was taken to that fuckin' shed more than once and that the brothers knew. But thats just another chapter in this pathetic childhood called b. I need some wisdom, bros. I need to hear, "stop this shytt!" or "yeah, it probably did", or "the probability is really high that it did happen. You were not just fondled, but also raped."

But I need to hear. It's the oddest of odd feelings. I'm not feeling down... so strange.. not down at all... just crying because I am upset for that tiny little boy. Its as if I am ready now, after 5 decades for the truth to come forward in my memories. I may be ready with the first scene of my abusive life for the first time in my life. This is so confusing. Such a confusing state of being right now.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#435531 - 05/22/13 10:41 PM Re: Is the first scene unfolding in my memories? [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL

Hi Bill. I wish I could give you some definitive answers on this but of course I can not. For anyone to be able to do that and be certain about it, they would have had to have been there and seen what happened. I know that's not what you want to hear. However, given the details about the other problems you were having with your body, it's certainly not unlikely.

In a way, I can kind of relate this to the way I feel about the incident that happened with me and the teenage boy on the sofa. I think I know what happened but the memory is so vague I can't be sure. Your memory of this incident happened to you at an even earlier age, and that makes things even more complicated. I personally don't remember anything at all from when I was three or four other than some extremely vague flashes of dreamlike memories. That's even when it comes to good memories, let alone traumatic ones. Other than trying EMDR or hypnotherapy, I honestly don't know what to suggest. I wish I could be more help. Take care. Peace,


#435542 - 05/22/13 11:23 PM Re: Is the first scene unfolding in my memories? [Re: ThisMan]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Hey Bill,

I hear the pain in your post, and can well understand the need to know exactly what happened. The fact is that we may never fully know, but we damn well DO know what the experience put us through for the following 4 or 5 decades of life. Thats what I try to focus on. Letting go of the past and dealing with myself as I am today, and how I want to be tomorrow.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#435548 - 05/22/13 11:55 PM Re: Is the first scene unfolding in my memories? [Re: ThisMan]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6376
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
thisman, your reactions are perfectly natural and easy to understand. from my perspective.


#435555 - 05/23/13 08:08 AM Re: Is the first scene unfolding in my memories? [Re: ThisMan]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929

Rodney Fox never saw the great white shark that bit him almost totally in half and disemboweled him, with just his wetsuit holding him together long enough to be saved. No one saw it. Not Fox nor anyone else knows how long it lasted.

His body tells a story that speaks for itself.

And that's what had to be taken care of. The known, not the unknown.

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#435577 - 05/23/13 04:04 PM Re: Is the first scene unfolding in my memories? [Re: ThisMan]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:37 PM)

#435585 - 05/23/13 05:37 PM Re: Is the first scene unfolding in my memories? [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
You are correct, guys. I don't need to know the details to know I was there in that place and at that time. If I remember the sunshine, and the brothers, and the nakedness and how I was placed, I dont need to obsess over what isn't clear.

...."we damn well DO know what the experience put us through for the following 4 or 5 decades of life." I hear you, Jude.

...His body tells a story that speaks for itself." That it does, SS. And that is what had to be taken care of. Maybe its a blessing I can't recall. If I cant recall, then it doesn't come in my dreams.

BG, VV.... Thanks for the wisdom. Sometimes I just feel fucked up emotionally , and I have know where else to go. And I can't wait until I get to that consistent point where I say everyday and mean it... NOPE... not worthless. Successful Bill....LOL... good stuff, Geoff.

Why in the world I feel like this, I may never know. But hell oh pete, its the CSA. Of course I know!! But yeah, I wanted a definite answer to an unanswerable question. Maybe the family dynamics of last week set old feelings in motion, I don't know. Maybe its another phase of grief I haven't mastered.

All I know for certain is what I know for certain. It will get better... tomorrow, there will always be a tomorrow.

Edited by ThisMan (05/23/13 05:39 PM)
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#435599 - 05/23/13 06:29 PM . [Re: ThisMan]
bardo213 Offline

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 812

Edited by bardo213 (06/22/13 04:20 PM)


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