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#435185 - 05/20/13 01:35 AM Re: discussion of triggers ** suicide triggers [Re: takingitslow]
takingitslow Offline

Registered: 09/12/12
Posts: 100
Loc: UK
I'm really confident that the outcome will be desirable either perp jail or suicide. I have to be 100% sure I can take him down. Him not getting one of the above can't enter my mind. I try not to think of what I will do if he gets left off. Can't let those thoughts manifest- got to have faith in the prosecutor, my testimony the other boy who is coming forward and the jury.

To say it would be a blow if I didnt get justice would be an understatement.


#435188 - 05/20/13 01:46 AM Re: discussion of triggers ** suicide triggers [Re: takingitslow]
takingitslow Offline

Registered: 09/12/12
Posts: 100
Loc: UK
I have an exam in 1 day 10 hrs + I have a lot of reading/ work to do before then. So I won't be online here until after then. I'm not in a triggered state I just need to try and block out csa related thoughts and focus on my subject matter.

Male survivor is distracting me from my reading.

I'll be back in a day and a half.

All the best

#435238 - 05/20/13 12:48 PM Re: discussion of triggers ** suicide triggers [Re: takingitslow]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2711
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Dan.

I'm really sorry to read your story, that is indeed terrible and I do hope you can start on recovery. Well firstly, as regards getting angry and triggered by others stories, that's to be honest a reaction I've had myself. I came onto this site, read about other guys experiences and the first thing I thought was "bloody hell, what right have I! to have problems? what happened to them was so much worse"

I would get angry, indeed I find it easier to be angry reading about what this scumbag did to you than be angry at the people involved in my own abuse. Likewise, I always thought "how can I respond to someone else's topics on here?"

What I've realized however, is that one of the hardest parts about recovery, ---- at least for me is recognizing the validity of my experiences, that my experiences are as much those of abuse as anyone else's, and for that chiming in on others threads, even if it is just to say "I'm really sorry your feeling like that" was a good way to begin, since it started me thinking of the experiences of others and not trying to deny their effects upon myself, and also develope a faculty of emaginative empathy, that is the ability to empathize with another person through relating what they experience to my own. This has been generally helpful.

I'd imagine going through the court process will start this, indeed on the one occasion I tried telling a solicitor about my own experiences as a teenager I was surprised what came out (though it was something of a flop in terms of actually getting anything done).

Reading your posts, i the overwhelming feeling I get is that you are seriously angry. This is fair enough, hell, when I read what this peace of shit did to you I! feel angry, and this particularly counts when your going through proceedings to have him jailed. That being said however, the one thing that I'm concerned about is that hating and feeling angry both take a hole load of energy, energy that you could be using on yourself.

For me, wasting time being angry at my abusers would give them a dignity that I don't want to allow them, it would make me recognize them as people, and as I once screamed as a teenager "those! aren't! people!"

If one of my abusers was in front of me now, I'd not even waste the time to spit on them, ---- heck, as a singer I have better uses for my spit. Focusing on my abusers in my recovery would to me feel like allowing them still more control over my life, like someone who hates Adolf Hitler so much he saves up thousands of pounds to build an insulting statue of Hitler.

this might be different in terms of legal procedings with the police i don't know, since obviously then I'd have! to be involved in facing my abusers again in trial and seeing them put away.

What personally keeps me going through some of the really bad moments of depression is one single fact, persistance!

I've started, so I'll continue, since stopping would be unthinkable. I'm just too dam stubborn, and I don't want to be the sort of person who just gives up. this is why, though i literally considdered suicide as a teenager, ---- though I stood on scarburgh cliffs deciding wwhether I'd be killed if I jumped off, though looked at anatomical diagrams and decided if I knew the exact arteries to cut to slit my wrists, I haven't gone half that far as an adult however bad things got (and they have been pretty bad at times), since it would justnot be part of who and what I am to give up in that way.

This motivation comes from myself, and is about focusing on myself, not on beating my abusers or my experiences or anything else, it's just a recognition of self determination if you like.

I'm not sure if this works for you, but it might be something you could think about, since even if your perpetrator died of a heart attack tomorrow or got convicted to life in prison, that still leaves you! afterwards, and ultimately you are far more important to the rest of your life than that bastard.

Just some thoughts. Hope the exam went well (I'm glad I don't have those anymore).


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