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#435026 - 05/18/13 05:55 AM Lowest point of my life -Triggers-
si Offline

Registered: 08/11/12
Posts: 46
Loc: Utah
The last time it happened was the lowest point in my life. I can't even call it abuse. He was moving onto someone else, and leaving me behind. After roughly two years, I didn't want him to leave. I was an outcast among my other peers because of what we had been doing, he was my only friend. I needed to know that I wasn't just used, that I wasn't just another person that was convenient until someone better showed up.

Triggers after this...

We were at a swimming pool, and me and him went into the locker room. We were alone and I pulled down his pants and started blowing him like always. This is the fucked up part, I was sucking like I was drowning in the ocean, and his penis was my only source of oxygen. For two years of my life, my life was built around his dick. In this locker, where anyone could walk in, I was on my knees just sucking. He tried to pull away but I wrapped my arms around his waist and dug my nails into his butt cheeks. When he tried to push and walk away, I just followed him. I just wanted him to let me suck it so badly. I didn't want him to leave me. This is the last time we did anything sexual, and I remember it so clearly. His limp dick in my mouth, pulling away with his swimming trunks around his ankles. As kids, we open ourselves to the world, but he ripped my world open. And now he was just leaving. He didn't have to initiate anything this time, he didn't have to talk me into it, blackmail me or anything. If anything, I caught him off guard by pulling his trunks down. He ripped my world open and continued ripping that I felt like I needed him there to make my world complete, to fill in the rips.

This is the lowest point of my life, because there I am, roughly seven years old begging to suck dick. Craving it. I look at my little brother and look at his mentality, and imagine myself having that same mentality before. Then I imagine how in the hell would a four year old react to having a porn star like sexual relationship? The drastic change over those years is so evident in the last time it happened. From being a normal kid, so ignorant to the world, just a happy four year old to a kid roughly two years later begging to suck dick, like I would die if I didn't. Everything that happened in those years led to me on my knees wanting to prove to him that I was better than that neighborhood girl. So fucking pathetic. Can you imagine a seven year old in that situation? I don't even know if I can call what happened being molested or raped, it was straight up fucking like two porn stars. Towards the end he became my only friend, I was isolated by my other peers because they knew what was going, they knew I was this horrible kid with a black soul. I was the kid who was riding his dick, they knew that if we were upstairs, that we were fucking. They didn't have to walk in and see the batman underwear on the floor to know what we were up to. they didn't have to hear the "oh baby" coming from him. I hate it. I was put into such a low situation, where I wanted it, by someone like him.

It is a low point in my life because i'm set to graduate college next year without any debt at all. I interned at the Attorney General's office in my freshman year of college. I'm a role model to my siblings, and will be the first to graduate college out of all my aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, etc. Knowing how great of a life i've built for myself, looking back to my seven year old self in that locker rooms makes me feel so ashamed, that my lowest point had to be that. a God damn seven year old. Everyone tells me i'm great, but they don't know that seven year old. They don't know that the abuse fucked me up soooo badly, that by the end i'm on my knees blowing my cousin. When he said that it feels better with girls, I knew he was already abusing the neighborhood girl. He didn't need me anymore. All the embarrassing things I did, all the blackmail and fucked up lies I took, and for nothing, for his gain. He eventually pulled his dick out of my mouth, broke free from my grip, and just left me in that bathroom and continued swimming. That innocent four year old, left a broken seven year old, feeling more violated, more betrayed and more hurt that it was all over, just like that. I felt dirty, gross, wrong, like my soul was black. I was going to hell, God hated me, my cousins will never be friends with me again, peers already know what I did and they all think i'm gay. And here I am, just sitting in this damn locker room, a broken seven year old, drowning in sin and guilt, and he just walks away to go swim. The transformation from an innocent child to that... CSA is one hell of a fucked up experience. How is a seven year old supposed to deal with those feelings? How is a four year old supposed to know how to handle a sexual relationship? This truly is the lowest point of my life.

#435028 - 05/18/13 06:38 AM Re: Lowest point of my life -Triggers- [Re: si]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: si
It is a low point in my life because I'm set to graduate college next year without any debt at all. I interned at the Attorney General's office in my freshman year of college. I'm a role model to my siblings, and will be the first to graduate college out of all my aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, etc. Knowing how great of a life I've built for myself, looking back to my seven year old self in that locker rooms makes me feel so ashamed, that my lowest point had to be that...

Hey si,

Its not quite clear whether you are describing that locker room scene, or the present, as your "low point". But in any case, I hear your pain loud and clear. Repeatedly looking back at what happened when we were boys is always an exercise in punishing ourselves. One thats hard to resist sometimes.

Whatever happened between you and your cousin, whether you enjoyed it or not, whether you sought it out or not, whether you tried to persuade him to not stop or not, you were the victim. You were not at fault. You were manipulated and groomed to be his sex slave. To feel that you wanted and needed him. That you would be left alone without him, and were willing to do anything to keep him. All lies to keep you under his control.

Don't think for a minute that what you've accomplished since then is meaningless. Or that if others knew that they would realize how "bad" you really are and hate you. The truth is that you've accomplished great things for yourself, you've grown into a strong young man, and every success you make is like a kick in his nuts.

Now, YOU are writing the story of the rest of your life and you can make it anything you like. Just get the help you need to be as emotionally healthy as possible. Whatever it takes. Therapy, recovery groups, books on the subject, and MS are all available. Get to work and make yourself into a man you can be proud of, inside and out.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#435031 - 05/18/13 07:22 AM Re: Lowest point of my life -Triggers- [Re: si]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3854
Loc: South-East Europe
Originally Posted By: si
How is a seven year old supposed to deal with those feelings? How is a four year old supposed to know how to handle a sexual relationship? This truly is the lowest point of my life.

There is no way that child can handle whirlpool of emotions and confusion made by abuse. That is the reason why you are here and confronting those feelings many years later or why we all are coming to same terms in thirties, forties, fifties or even later. Time is needed for us to feel ready, confident and strong enough to look it directly.
Now could you imagine small seven year old Si doing what he is doing in the locker room and feeling like his world is tearing apart. Feeling the lowest ever.
Give him hug and tell him that is alright, there is nothing shameful about him in that scene. Give him support by acknowledging his fear, pain, confusion and vulnerability. He feels that he will stay completely alone in this world, he is fighting by doing what he is doing as he doesn't know other way. He was driven in it by force as so small kid, it impacted him so heavily in negative way and it is terrible difficult to carry such burden trough his life. It is too painful. Let him put off that heavy burden. There is nothing shameful in being lost, scared, confused and weak. Let him hear those words.
Small SI doesn't have to feel so bad about it. Who could give him more support and love beside you? Give to him, hug him and promise him that everything will be alright.

My story

#435040 - 05/18/13 12:12 PM Re: Lowest point of my life -Triggers- [Re: si]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia

I connected with what you shared here so deeply I just had to write something...what I do not know yet.

I was that kid too. It was not our fault. How could we not become what we did under those circumstances? We were trained sex slaves pure and simple.

My story is not the same but pretty damn close. I was 3 when it started and 7-8ish when it stopped. He was my older brother - 10 years older. The last time was in his room not a lockerroom. I grew to like blowing him - I was trained to like blowing him. When he was done with me for good I felt so used, rejected, hurt and dirty.

So (with tears in my eyes) I KNOW . . . what you mean.

I actually like the way you are thinking here. I think it is important for us to acknowledge just how painful it was/is. YES that was the worst point in your life. It was. It really was. Things have only gotten better for you from there. You have single handedly clawed your way to a life you can be proud of. That low point only makes the highs you have achieved in your life so much more precious.

One of my friends here (he knows who he is) used these words to describe me today ..... "unbelievable courage and resilience and determined reconstruction of the self after so much cruelty".

I believe you are gifted with these qualities as well. He may have transformed you into 'that' as a seven year old .... but since then you transformed yourself into the successful, inspiring and compassionate man you are today. The is no shame at all in that.

More than meets the eye!

#435049 - 05/18/13 06:47 PM Re: Lowest point of my life -Triggers- [Re: si]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
Congratulations on earning your bachelor’s degree. I am so sorry that you were put in a situation that has left you unable to recognize the value in your accomplishments. This includes graduating from college, something to be very proud of, as well as overcoming such a tormented childhood.
I can relate to your story. I was harassed, told lies and blackmailed into participating in sex acts with a guy. I was on the other side, though, because I was coerced into letting him fellate me. It was a fellow from work and he told me that unless I let him do stuff to me, he was going to tell everyone – my boss, fellow employees, members of the country club where we worked - that we were sexually involved. I was terrified that people would think that was the truth, even though I had nothing to be afraid of. The first time he had his mouth on my dick, I wanted to die. It was awful. What’s worse is that once my defenses were broken, it got easier for him to do it again. I didn’t put up a fight, he didn’t have to talk me into it – all he had to do was raise one eyebrow and my pants were down. What’s worse is that this we got more brazen about it What started in the locker room soon began happening everywhere – in the hallways, in the snack bar, out in the parking lot, in the pool house. Things were so twisted that whereas once I was afraid of a non-existent relationship being exposed, I then became indifferent to my participation in a more serious event – indecent exposure.
You were deeply affected by the abuse you suffered and your writing shows this. All the lies, blackmailing, intimidation, and exploitation has left you confused, racked with guilt and blaming yourself for something you are in no way responsible for. Sex, ordinarily a wonderful thing, an expression of love between two people –has been morphed into something dark, dirty and evil. This is the work of your abuser, not you, and if there is any justice in this world, he will be forever tormented by his evil actions, never being able to be at peace, if not in this lifetime, in the next.
Please do not feel guilty that you enjoyed this. You were forced into an awful situation by an evil person. You knew then and you realize now that this is not your true self. You were far too young to understand all the intricacies and ramifications of sex. You were not capable of making an informed choice about sex and relationships. You were forced into it. You had to adapt in some way in order to survive. You survived only be convincing yourself that you enjoyed it. From your writings, you show that you felt betrayed, you were hurt badly and you had been broken. No one can be expected to survive for long thinking like that. Since you couldn’t get away from him o the situation, you convinced yourself first that what you were doing wasn’t bad, and second, that you liked it. You even say it wasn’t abuse- but the truth is it was, pure and simple. No amount of persuasion or convincing can change that. The mind set you developed was your only way of making it. Think of the alternative had you not adapted.
You have made it Si. You have lived through the abuse, made something of yourself ,and now are a role model for all your nieces and nephews. The abuse cannot wipe that out. You will always, for the rest of your days, have an education and nothing can take that away from you. Hopefully, this is just another step on your journey to healing, success, and happiness.
I’m very proud of you Si. You are a shining example of the strength and resiliency of the human spirit. Congratulations again on your degree and good luck.

#435052 - 05/18/13 07:16 PM Re: Lowest point of my life -Triggers- [Re: si]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Si- congratulations on the degree, being the first of generations to accomplish this, and for having the courage to talk about your experiences. We are all so proud of you and want you to know that!!

I can share your age when it happened, the longevity, the feelings of shame. But look into that mirror we talked about a few days ago in the thread on mirrors and see that young man of accomplishment and tell him how proud of him you are. It was said earlier, but seek help in the form of group or therapy or by reading or posting on MS. You are the bestest of the bestest of the best... and don't ever forget that.

If I knew how to copy the things guys share with me, I would do the same for you. But go to youtube and check out the "beautiful" song ... Christina does Kermit (thats the frog's name, i think- damn, hate this memory shyttt)...and then the "rainbow" song....

HEY, if anyone can send those to Si, it would be a great graduation present!!!

My big advice... if it hurts, cry... if the pain emerges... acknowledge it. For far too long I have subdued what I felt by necessity and by fear. Releasing all of this is a different world for me, but I think it is going to be one in which I wish to dwell.

Again, congratulations and happy graduation!!! Be proud... so very, very proud.

For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#435056 - 05/18/13 08:27 PM Re: Lowest point of my life -Triggers- [Re: si]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: đť’Ş đť’¦anada
no wonder you have a hard time dealing with it. you were there!!

i have a hard time dealing with it, and i only read the post.



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