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#434439 - 05/12/13 06:09 AM Connecting during sex
Quixote0028 Offline

Registered: 09/07/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Texas
I've been with my boyfriend for about three years. We have a normal sex life, but I think that I've only felt connected emotionally during sex twice. I don't think I dissociate. I remember the sex, but everything seems mechanical and without emotion. I'm attracted to him - so that's not the problem, but I don't know how to get this to spot. I also find that I cannot relax during sex which leads to pain. The two times I did feel connected, it was great. I just want to figure out how to make this happen more often.

#434457 - 05/12/13 08:13 AM Re: Connecting during sex [Re: Quixote0028]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Emotional connection during sex? Never happened to me. During sex I would usually leave the room emotionally. It just became this robotic, violent, physically explosive experience that left me feeling like I had my body turned inside-out, launched into space, and burned up on re-entry.

After a year of celibacy, and alot of therapy, I think I'm getting somewhere with this. I think the key is following your heart instead of your penis. Not always easy to do, I know. I have yet to test it out in a "live" experiment. If I ever do, I'll post about it.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#434464 - 05/12/13 12:19 PM Re: Connecting during sex [Re: Jude]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2826
Originally Posted By: Jude
I think the key is following your heart instead of your penis.

Absolutely. The sexual act is ultimately of the heart. Proof? If it was all in the penis, then CSA wouldn't be nearly the big deal it is.

#434503 - 05/12/13 07:04 PM Re: Connecting during sex [Re: Quixote0028]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
I can be quite intimate, but I do struggle getting it up and just kinda dont feel like im in the moment.

It scares the hell out of me tbh.

#434518 - 05/13/13 12:09 AM Re: Connecting during sex [Re: Quixote0028]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4225
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
after decades of marriage and two rounds of therapy - we are connecting emotionally as well as physically for the first time in just the past year. it would not have happened without BOTH of us working together to get past our individual and joint issues. lots of forgiveness, humility and risk-taking involved... if only i had known!!!

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#434566 - 05/13/13 04:32 PM Re: Connecting during sex [Re: Quixote0028]
TMan1394 Offline

Registered: 04/16/13
Posts: 11
Loc: USA
I struggle with this issue as well and it's one of my biggest concerns as I go through my journey. Around six years ago I stopped dating and getting setup by friends or even looking for a girlfriend because I couldn't take the anxiety and confusion anymore.
Every relationship I've had starts out ok but the more emotionally involved I become with someone, the less I am able to sexually perform an eventually it becomes impossible. After my last break up I decided I would just look for sex with women who didn't know me, my family or my friends. It was horrible. The feelings of secrecy, lies, shame and guilt eventually lead to me being celibate for the past two years. I've told T's in the past I feel like I've never "made love to a woman." I feel good about where I am in my recovery so far and where I am going but I still worry about the emotional disconnect between sex and love that I've battled my whole sexually active life.
I know what you mean about not feeling comfortable and being able to relax. Sounds like you are making progress and your honesty here made me look inwards as well. Scares the hell out of me too but just trying to take it a day at a time.

#434582 - 05/13/13 09:48 PM Re: Connecting during sex [Re: Chase Eric]
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
Originally Posted By: Jude
I think the key is following your heart instead of your penis.

Absolutely. The sexual act is ultimately of the heart. Proof? If it was all in the penis, then CSA wouldn't be nearly the big deal it is.

Well said, Eric. It would carry with it all the impact of having someone give you a wet willy in your ear. There's a reason it's more than the sum of its (bodily) parts. It's the emotional (frankly, I prefer to say "spiritual") dimension of the act that is most damaging. And now that dimension is hard for some of us to engage at will, in healthy adult relationships. Impossible for me, so far.

Edited by Life's A Dream (05/16/13 06:57 AM)

#434806 - 05/16/13 04:37 AM Re: Connecting during sex [Re: Quixote0028]
Rdphish73 Offline

Registered: 04/25/12
Posts: 18
Loc: New York
I've been the same for my entire life. Sex to me was "robotic". I just performed. I now know it was because during my abuse, I "performed"...I had to or else. I learned to detach myself emotionally obviously because of the horror, confusion, and pain. Old habits die hard! Now I've been with this woman for 4 years (she knows about my past/trauma) and she's been wonderful. Early in our relationship, sex was the usual "robotic" act....but as our relationship progressed, sex became less scary and my anxiety has lowered. She works with me and accepts me and respects me. The last few times have been the first times in my life where I felt truly present and connected. I'm making great progress! Sure, I still have the occasional flashback and fear/anxiety...but sex has gotten so much more it's supposed to be. I think us survivors need a good partner who's willing to work with our sex issues, we have to be totally honest with our partners and practice!
We were taught that sex was dirty, violent, secretive, and out of our control. For me, finding the right woman, finally opening up to her, her working with me, and practicing, it's gotten A LOT better. I still have a way to go, but making love and finally feeling connected emotionally is amazing. Don't give up!

Edited by Rdphish73 (05/16/13 04:39 AM)


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