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#434789 - 05/16/13 02:13 AM Ramblings
JWebster Offline

Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 7
Loc: St. Louis
I found a post by someone that listed a few of their symptoms in list format and I started to do that while adding some observations about myself but i feel more compelled to just ramble at this point. That and I already had 19 items on the list before I stopped. Iím no doubt struggling since I came to the realization/feeling that something happened to me as a child.

Through therapy Iíve come in contact with a couple of triggers and I do have a strong feeling that something happened. Iím not ready to come to terms with it and Iím not ready to admit that something happened.

I feel I canít admit something happened because there are no memories only these feelings but I canít deny that it happened either because I feel so strongly about it and have symptoms.

The forum helps and hinders to a point. By all accounts I had a Ďnormalí childhood. Two parents that are still married, a sister, pets etc... I read about others with similar thoughts or experiences to mine but I find myself comparing...I didn't go through all that they or others here went through so nothing must have happened to me. I'm just lazy or have some other disorder.

I never was addicted to alcohol or drugs...but I suppose I find other vises. My fetishes and the pornography pertaining to them, masturbation, sleep, games...

I feel like some of it is just putting up another door for me to go I havenít suffered enough to have had a CSA experience. But I have suffered. It kind of pains but also oddly numbs me to write that. As I told my therapist...Iíd give up all of my fetishes which are one of the few things I really enjoy... if it would remove all of the other baggage that makes my life less than ideal.

Since the triggers I just feel so irritable and angry. Iím busy at work and home which helps quite a bit but in my downtime I find myself dwelling and emotional. It is also a slow process which doesn't lend itself well to my usual results now mentality.

Thank you for this forum and listening to my rambling. Iím sure Iíll have more.

#434792 - 05/16/13 02:28 AM Re: Ramblings [Re: JWebster]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
jwebster, its okay to ramble with your thoughts. I know for certain as I began to share here, that so much was inside that a ramble was the best I could do. That's how you begin to make sense of the thoughts you are having. And its great that you are with a therapist. Stay there until you sort things out and it begins to make sense to you. And continue to post. My best, mister.

For now we see through a glass, darkly.


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