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#434303 - 05/11/13 12:25 AM Life is Surreal - triggers possible
Justnotright Offline

Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 19
Loc: Mid-Michigan
It all seems so surreal to me.

Ive often stopped and reflected on just how un-ordinary my life is. So many good things and so many rough times have been the theme of my life. Many times, I find it difficult to separate the dreams from the reality. And that scares me honestly deeply and bone-rattling scares me.

Even before I started having flash-backs and what I call night-terrors, I would have spells when I would black out and be involved in an entirely different world. Most of the time it would follow heavy drinking, taking a sleeping pill and trying to get to bed. Each black out included lots of sex with lots of men. It was as if I were living out all the fantasies Id ever had growing up. That me would live uninhibited and aggressive.

On rare occasion during the blackout sex, I would have moments of being lucid. Those images would stick with me when the blackout returned and subsequent waking up would loom. It is how I know the blackout events occurred. I could always get confirmation of the events with follow up discussions with my husband.

It seems I would always act within the bounds of who I am as a respectful and polite person, I would just be sexually active and have lots of fun. Ive also engaged in that kind of sexual freedom and pleasure when alert too. So I know I had a good time and that it was activity that I would have done anyway. No moral dilemma about what happened. (In other words dont judge its just how Im wired.)

But starting back in 2010 when the flashbacks started about being molested, the blackout periods took on an entirely different meaning. Now I was no longer in control, no longer in a safe place, no longer doing or being me in or out of bounds of my social norms.

I was being victimized at all levels along the spectrum. I was actively being molested, experiencing the after effects, living with the pain as an adult, and feeling shame all at the same time. The events were not linear. The beginning, middle and end of the activities were there being experienced all at the same time. I could not control what I was thinking, saying, doing, or happening. In the new approach to the blackouts, I am both victim and survivor at the same time. I cannot control what or where or when.

Thats the scary part. Before in the blackouts, I was not aware of what was going on but was safe if it possible in that circumstance. Now, I am not safe. Im not happy, I do not welcome the blackout.

I didnt really welcome the blackouts before. But nothing of import or danger happened to anyone. So when I realized what was going on, I was concerned but entertained.

Now, from time to time I know I have experienced a blackout after the fact. Sometimes I find out because my husband tells me it happened. Other times, I know it happened because I have tell-tell bruise marks on either my arms or legs (from clinching and resisting). These are very frightening times.

Oh, these blackout times usually are triggered by heavy drinking. Ive reduced my alcohol use significantly. I still have mild night terrors but theyre nothing compared to what follows bought of binge-drinking.

So to make matters worse, Ive started having blackout moments during the day. The circumstances that I found to trigger a day-time blackout included a LONG period of excessive physical labor. I was so tired I could hardly stand up. We (my husband and I) had just finished a few days in a row working on a project. He drove to the next destination. We stopped at a gas station for refreshments and relief. I have no recollection of getting out of the car or going into the convenience store. I realized I was there when I came to at the register. Then I blacked out again for a few moments and came to again as I was leaving the store. At some point, I had insisted my husband give me back my wallet and car keys.

When I came back to reality, I was asking for the items again, thinking I was going to drive from that point forward. He pointed out where the items were and that I had already asked for them a few minutes ago. I did NOT drive the rest of the week.

So, back to the original idea. Life for me has been surreal all my life. Ever since the attacks. I sit and wonder from time to time if Im awake or in a blackout state. I fear someday blacking out and never coming back to who I am. But who will I be if I do blackout. Will I know Im gone? Will life be different? How will I control what I do, where I go, what I say? Would that mean Ive lost hold of reality?

And that scares me honestly, deeply and in a bone-rattling way.

I think its time to get back into active therapy and do some real soul-searching. I have a wonderful life. I have a god-send husband, children (however estranged) and so much to live for. Id hate to blackout and lose all of it and never know if I still had that stuff or not.
If you can't take a joke, you need a nap. Me.

#434305 - 05/11/13 12:43 AM Re: Life is Surreal - triggers possible [Re: Justnotright]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
I'm glad you're looking ahead, but I think you should seriously go see a doctor - it could be medical as well as psychological. Take no chances with this one please.

PS: Well written smile

#434308 - 05/11/13 02:41 AM Re: Life is Surreal - triggers possible [Re: Justnotright]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Dear JNR,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. We've had others here describe similar symptoms. It sounds like they could become dangerous to you.

Just three suggestions: get medical attention, get into therapy, and stop using alcohol altogether. Keep posting. We're all behind you.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#434338 - 05/11/13 08:40 AM Re: Life is Surreal - triggers possible [Re: Justnotright]
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
I agree with Jude about alcohol. I would stop using it altogether. I have had many times where my alcohol use caused me to blackout, and then seemingly brought out an alternate personality who has said some very strange things to people on this site, and elsewhere. VERY strange things. It's so scary to wake up the next day and find words like:

"I had a right, And how dare you, I existst. I have a body. I have meaning. I am a person. I am a character. I am a player. It's so far out into this while. I took what from you? I punched out so early, why? there are secret things, it's just a shame it took them to excite me to see the wonder of god, while you wrapped the pages around my face i will get even with the person who tried to blot me out."

I found this on my computer desktop one morning. I have absolutely no memory of writing it, and it doesn't sound like me. It's like an alternate personality who is always very angry and talking about someone who tried to "blot him out" or destroy him- someone he wants revenge on. He's replied to people on here, sent PM's on here, on facebook, and other places. I believe he came out at a party as well. He seems very suicidal. I'm told *I*/he was desperately trying to kill himself that night. And lately every time I drink I start trying to find guns or other means of killing myself. So drinking is just not an option for some of us. Only you can decide if that's true for you, but with what you're describing I'm gonna be bold and just outright state, you need to stay away from alcohol. If not indefinitely, then at least for a long time. And go seek counseling and possibly medication.

I more than understand the un-reality thing. Look at my screen name. That means just what it sounds like. Some days are very surreal to me, even without alcohol. Why would I want alcohol to aggravate that times 10? Not worth it.

Edited by Life's A Dream (05/11/13 11:47 AM)

#434580 - 05/13/13 09:16 PM Re: Life is Surreal - triggers possible [Re: Justnotright]
Justnotright Offline

Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 19
Loc: Mid-Michigan
thanks for all the feed-back. i'm going to intake on either tuesday or wednesday of this week (14th or 15th). i'll keep posting and see how it progresses from here.
If you can't take a joke, you need a nap. Me.

#439953 - 07/03/13 10:57 PM Re: Life is Surreal - triggers possible [Re: Justnotright]
Justnotright Offline

Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 19
Loc: Mid-Michigan
I never made it to intake. read my other posts. you see so much has developed over the past few weeks. I never would have imagined just how far this would go.

Someone in my community gave me some good advice. she said, "Be Happy." she's a wise woman.
If you can't take a joke, you need a nap. Me.


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