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#434437 - 05/12/13 05:54 AM A needed post about the pain.
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
May be a trigger.

I've needed to post this for days, but I have been fearful of upsetting someone or offending someone. But here goes... yikes... I just used a "but statement", which can't be good. I am in a dark place. I am not really thrilled about being here, have been here for some time, and really want to pull into the light. It just feels better out there. But, here I am regardless.

This doesn't mean that I lack the strength and the fortitude to move forward. Nor does it mean that someone else who might be in this current state of being lacks the strength or fortitude. It doesn't make me (us) weaker than someone else. It simply means that we are in different places at different times. Different places in our sharing and recovery at different times.

I am not interested in striving to thrive for a while. I have done that. For 50 + years since my first abuse, I have strived to thrive. For the ensuing 14 years of abuse, I have pretended. I have acted. I have smiled and nodded and compromised and complied. I have had a most successful career, and working on another. I have had four one man art shows in as many years recently. I have sat alone at the weddings of my two sons when their mother should have been beside me. I have taken care of myself through three surgeries since being single, and one "cardiac event" that was a nice warning to chill out a bit. I simply dropped to the floor at school that day. Scared me crazy. I have been left for 9 long years without a single visit from my family of origin for no reason other than I live two hours away. And I have six siblings... six. Still, I have laughed and prospered and felt the love of my friends. And I have pretended I didn't hurt as deeply as I do.

And one day last November I had a birthday. And I sat down and looked around and realized I was out balance. I had had a total childhood of sexual abuse. Total. Throw in some emotional shytt and then some physical shytt. Place into the equation the asa by the friend. And somewhere in the middle place the lose of my spouse. Yeah, I am/was out of balance. But I continued to run and pretend.

I sought out therapy. I sought out drink. i sought out others. I sought out food. I sought out starvation. I sought out MaleSurvivor. I sought out whatever would let me not feel the encroaching fog that was moving through me. And this is what I have found so far... Big Guy is tired. He is tired. He is grieving for the things lost. He hasn't done that before. It is time. I must be still now. I must feel the pain of what I have lost for just a bit longer. In that silence, I know I will find the peace that I seek. This pain, this realization, this tear. I have never been more real as a man in all my life than i am right now. And I hurt.
And to acknowledge this for me, means I am stronger than I have ever been.

I just wonder exactly how long the intense pain will take to course through my life? If anyone has felt this way, give me a share if you would. It's something i am not used to.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#434441 - 05/12/13 06:24 AM Re: A needed post about the pain. [Re: ThisMan]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: ThisMan
I must feel the pain of what I have lost for just a bit longer........I have never been more real as a man in all my life than i am right now. And I hurt.
And to acknowledge this for me, means I am stronger than I have ever been.

T-Man! You are on to something big here. My aversion to pain led me into some pretty dark places. Actually feeling the pain led me to healing that I thought would be impossible. It takes however long it takes. For me that was 42 years of feeling nothing....and a year of intense therapy to feel the pain. Good luck my friend.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#434446 - 05/12/13 07:13 AM Re: A needed post about the pain. [Re: ThisMan]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
i can offer no advice.
i do not know the solution.
i can tell you that i feel the same way.

i am still struggling with the 1st step in the 12 step program.
surrender to the higher power.
the 1st step is always the hardest.

i live in a state of fluctuation between hope and despair, with long bouts of nothing in between. while the nothing feels very comfortable, and is usually the most productive periods in my life, i cannot maintain it. it is not human. i want to be human. i need to feel... something... anything... even despair feels better than nothing.

and to be completely honest with you and myself... the nothing is never nothing. it is an underlying ambivelant foundation of distaste/envy for "normals" and their "natural" emotions. my nothing is punctuated with fits of rage whenever someone breaks my rules, gets in my face, pushes my buttons, or messes with my fake equilibrium.

i can commiserate and empathize, but i don't think that helps you a whole lot if you are in a dark place.

i do believe that, over time, it gets easier to live with.
i know that this is true in my case.
i also know that you will never love, until you love yourself first. believe you are worth it. know you deserve it. see your own value. accept that you are awesome, and i am not talking about arrogance or ego, this goes deeper than that. do not seek approval or acknowledgement of this FACT from others.

i will risk sounding cliche and trite by quoting this famous feel-good mantra...

"You are a child of the universe. No less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

this is true no matter what emotional state you or i live in.

hope this helps.
had to respond, as i could feel you needed feedbac.


#434452 - 05/12/13 07:42 AM Re: A needed post about the pain. [Re: ThisMan]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3861
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey B,
must say that your post has many resemblances with how I've been feeling lately.

When I came here one and half year ago I didn't know what exactly I was looking for except that I felt so lonely and like stuck isolated from outside world while I was intensively traveling because of my work.
It didn't pass long and I started therapy trough which I learned about some my inner struggles that could be explained like feelings of extreme and anxious isolation from outside world, it is very lonely place that I've been caught usually in early mornings just before I would wake.
It is like some big hole is in me that can't be fulfilled no matter on any try. I've never before felt it is so intensively. As you said it is like something big is missing from my life and particularly from my childhood and I was occasionally sad when I think about it. During last Christmas while I was shopping presents for some nephews I bought one Teddy bear for myself. At first I didn't know what to do with it, than I put it on my bed and it wasn't long before I started to hug him when I would felt lonely in my bed. Even I'm surrounded with many friends, and even I have had girlfriend back than nothing could prevent showing of those feelings.
In therapy I've already been talking with my therapist about isolation and we just have decided to tackle it directly.
I've had birthday on last Saturday and I went out with couple of my friends and had great time, but next day I've been caught feeling like trapped and completely alone again.
I felt like some huge hammer is hitting through wall bringing those negative feelings back.

One good buddy told me it is evidence of process that started in me.
When it starts everything looks like seen trough some microscope.
I felt like that for a while and I was wondering about it. Ever since I started dealing with my issues I became more sensitive on some things that I considered already as "problematic" and some even become more difficult to handle.

I'm not sure for how long it will last. Certainly this empty hole has built for long time and time will be needed to fill it.
But I learned that every single little steps counts.
So in that respect I admire your reaching out trough writing and discussing your pain, you are acknowledging your true feelings even they are hurtful and you are connecting to inner self. Above all you are ready and brave enough to share it with us.
That is healing!

You are not alone


My story

#434453 - 05/12/13 07:57 AM Re: A needed post about the pain. [Re: ThisMan]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
i found the video. please accept this gift.



#434466 - 05/12/13 12:47 PM Re: A needed post about the pain. [Re: ThisMan]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
(((( This Man ))))

I don't know how long the pain will last. But I know that feeling the pain is better than denying it.

So, please brother. Hang in there. We are here for you when you need us.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#434469 - 05/12/13 02:16 PM Re: A needed post about the pain. [Re: ThisMan]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 08:04 PM)


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