Newest Members
jez, Long Way Home, Bcbornleo, Orko, molander
13593 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Brian3022 (44), drewbe2 (54), GT13568 (58), Jay1159 (40), kevin308 (50), kharlow146 (60), RTA_Anaphe Support (41), susoicious parent (52)
Who's Online
6 registered (Noah Barrett, manipulated, AOAN72, mdsmith, mikewww, 1 invisible), 23 Guests and 1 Spider online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,593 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,682 Topics
493,686 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#434306 - 05/11/13 01:15 AM Well...
JWebster Offline

Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 7
Loc: St. Louis
I'm not even sure where to start. Every time I try...I try and convince myself that I don't need or shouldn't be here.

So I'm sitting here killing time with my family...a time where I should be happy and thankful and all I am is pissed off and sad.

I have no memories of anything happening to me...which I do understand is not terribly uncommon. But I do have very strong feelings that have crept up over therapy in the last few months.

I'm not closed to the idea that something happened in my childhood...but I'll not deny it now like I would a short time ago.

What I'm struggling with the most is that there are definite signs, which I won't get into in this post...I don't think...but in my mind it is circumstantial and it is frustrating that I don't have anything concrete to go on.

One possible sign is that I equate sex to love and...during a discussion with my counselor we were conversing and I just had a mini-breakdown when we started in on a particular path of manipulation and was the words she used which I'll not repeat here yet...I can't. Just how a manipulative, controlling woman would talk to a boy to convince him to do something. I swear I saw a face during a mini-episode.

I'm starting to have a bad night...I can't even play with my kids at the moment and I really just want to have my wife come to me and tell her that I think something happened which will lead to tears that I don't want to come.

I also don't want to make her feel sad...I know at some point I'll cross that bridge but the first time I hinted she just thought I'd have memories. It isn't that she isn't supportive it is just her being protective...she is a very loving and supportive woman...a nurse by trade.

I'm going to sign off here but I'm glad I introduced myself whether something happened to me or not.

#434307 - 05/11/13 02:33 AM Re: Well... [Re: JWebster]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: JWebster
I'm not even sure where to start. Every time I try...I try and convince myself that I don't need or shouldn't be here.

Welcome JWebster,

Sure or not, you've made a good start just by posting about where you are with all this. In time you will sort it all out. I won't express any opinion about whether or not you have CSA in your past, but the feelings you express certainly sound painful and you have all our support with them.

A lot of men deal with the sex=love equation. Drives the women in our lives crazy. But for CSA survivors, it often becomes a compulsion.

So read, learn, and keep moving forward with therapy. You're life CAN get better. Just don't turn back.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#434318 - 05/11/13 05:39 AM Re: Well... [Re: JWebster]
JWebster Offline

Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 7
Loc: St. Louis
Thanks Jude,

I could tell I was on a road to an unavoidable mini crying fit tonight so I went to my wife whom was confused/worried...her first thoughts appeared to be to convince me nothing happened (which is possible) but that only brought up some anger.

I was feeling a bit lost, like I couldn't go to her which would end up being devastating to me...but after remaining calm and explaining some things to her she understood more.

I feel much better now but I feel as though this is just the beginning. So many pieces to a massive puzzle.

I'm pretty overwhelmed by the board thusfar but I'll try and get familiar and also try not to just lurk.


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.