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#433931 - 05/08/13 12:32 AM Ridiculous, hellish anger at everyday life.
Jwmcd2 Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 110
I guess I should put a trigger warning just in case.

I know I've got a problem. I know that anger is a common reaction and even a stage in the grieving process. I'll assume that someone would suggest a therapist or the like.

I've fallen into a bit of a trap lately-- using alcohol and self-injury lately as a way to distract from hurting or angering others. I get so terribly pissed at myself. Anger is filtering from every aspect of trying to recover or remembering stuff.

I'll try and keep this succinct, but there were troubling thoughts where I put myself as the abuser mentally in my memories and have been sleeping poorly and waking up with lots of anger at everyone, especially myself.

Now I'm ruining friendships because I can't be any fucking better than I am. I'm resisting the urge to drink right now mostly only because I have to work tomorrow, but I've really lost all concern for myself.

Today, thankfully, I know someone bothered to call me out on it in the chat and know I'm knowing I'm a manipulative person whether I want to or not. Maybe... I know this is a weird request: if anyone would know of a good way to feel this self hatred and stop hurting people? I just know I'm a burden and other choices are too hurt-prone possibly for people in real life who might want me around for whatever reason, but I need to know if people have pointers on how to withdraw from others more so I can keep them safe.

I can't live with this anger anymore. I hate myself for feeling it.

#433985 - 05/08/13 05:03 AM Re: Ridiculous, hellish anger at everyday life. [Re: Jwmcd2]
genedebs Online   content

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 378
Loc: MO
Dear J W,

I don't know what happened to the post I wrote.

I have used anger to protect me throughout my 27 years of drinking, and continued through the first 5 years of sobriety.

Self mutilation was an effective method to shut down my feelings.

The effort has to be accepting yourself. Learning that you are hating the wounds AND NOT YOUR SOUL. You are worthy of respect. You are doing yourself a disservice by disrespecting you.

Withdrawal or any form of isolation is not a solution. Learning to pause when agitated, learning to meditate just to get your "breathing" back. It takes some practice but it is calming and lets you stop hurting others.

That is my story.

#434004 - 05/08/13 12:06 PM Re: Ridiculous, hellish anger at everyday life. [Re: Jwmcd2]
Jwmcd2 Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 110
Thanks for the feedback. I do appreciate it. Working on this at work today.

#434017 - 05/08/13 01:35 PM Re: Ridiculous, hellish anger at everyday life. [Re: Jwmcd2]
csasurvivor1992 Offline

Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
jwmcd2, I agree with genedebs... short term, close your eyes in those moments and take deep breaths. kind of like an asthmatic taking an inhaler puff.

longer term, you deserved better. you deserved far better than what you got. i'll tell you the anger i have felt (and am still working through) in the grieving process is aimed at my abuser and the terrible thing he did to me. in the past, i was becoming like him and i was angry at everything... even the birds shaking out their feather in my freshly cleaned living room! ARGH! but, while i still get agitated with that, it's not them i'm angry at. they're birds, that's what birds do. and they're social birds, so they need to be out among my wife and i. it's the notion that i allowed birds just to make my wife happy... that's what i'm angry at. the notion that i had to give a part of myself to her just so she would accept me.

longer term, you deserved better. you deserved better. the breathing exercise has helped me (used it like FIFTY TIMES yesterday). it works, keeps me balanced. but it's a band-aid to a deeper wound... we were abused and that is a big deal with life-altering consequence... a consequence that wasn't our fault.

it's not your fault you were abused. you deserved better.

do you have a support team around you? family or friends you can talk with? that may help too.

hang in there DW and good on you for reaching out.
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

#434023 - 05/08/13 02:24 PM Re: Ridiculous, hellish anger at everyday life. [Re: Jwmcd2]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Hey jw,

You are doing an amazing thing by reaching out for help, its part of the healing process. Dittos to all that was said above. I've also found it helpful to go somewhere where I can yell and scream and get it out as much as I need you said, "to feel" whatever you're feeling. Often driving around in the car provides a safe place to vent.

Caution on the drinking (and self-harm) though. Like Gendebs, I used alcohol for years to numb those feelings so I wouldn't have to face them. Anything you use to accomplish that numbing is a trap that can consume your life. You have enough on your plate man. Don't go down that road.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#434069 - 05/08/13 11:53 PM Re: Ridiculous, hellish anger at everyday life. [Re: Jwmcd2]
Jwmcd2 Offline

Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 110
Thanks for the feedback today. I did better today. Still really tough when people do irritating things and I got to sit there and smile. I don't like the powerlessness and that feeds back into self hate.


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