Bravefalcon said it best above. I have people in my life who love me a whole lot more than I love myself. I do have a lot to be thankful for. But all the same, the burden of this curse will bring this back time and time again.
Hi Atari Kid. (I like your user name!) I didn't list any of the things have to be thankful for earlier but here are a few.
I am thankful to have people in my life who love and care about me.
I am thankful and lucky to have a family that has been able to help me out financially when I've needed it.
I am thankful that I am gainfully employed, even though the job I have more or less only gives me the ability to live paycheck to paycheck.
I am thankful that I have my freedom and that I am not and never have been to jail/prison. (Long story but let's just say I've done some dumb things in my life. I've never hurt anybody but I've done some pretty illegal stuff and was involved with some people I should not have been involved with. Some of them are in prison now and I am lucky not to be.)
I am lucky because I have been in a few other situations in my life that could have turned out way worse than they did, but I got through them and am ok now, mostly. I still struggle with my demons daily, but I'm ok, and I have a lot to be thankful for.
"An anxiety and a dread that things could get really bad again." I know this feeling all too well. That is the thing about suicidal thoughts it's not that people want to die it's that they don't want to feel like they feel and see no other way to escape their pain. Recovery is possible but not everybody knows that and often it is hard for them to really believe it.
I believe recovery is possible but I'm not sure it's possible for me to recover any more than I already have. At this point, if I were to go back into therapy, I'm not sure what my goals would or could even be or what type of recovery would even be possible anymore.
Also, when I talk about my fear that things could get worse again, I don't just mean with my CSA issues and suicidal tendencies, I also mean basic life things like, "What if I loose my job" and stuff. Although, in a way, those things go hand in hand to some extent because if I were to loose my job or something like that and my life was destabilized, I know my suicidal tendencies would come back in full force. Stability in my life tends to keep those demons at bay to some extent.
It's been said here on this thread a couple of times that going someplace to calm down and take a break or breath some fresh air is something to do to just forget for a while that pain. I've seen with me that I cannot take my brain off line for even 5 minutes in order to enjoy a sunset or something. My head head after 5 minutes starts to flood with memories of what I did. If I go to work and keep busy I can keep those memories and the pain they cause out. Then I take some meds so I can go to sleep without being waken ever hour with nightmares or flashbacks.
Hi Jeff. Man, I'm so sorry to hear you say that you can't find some momentary peace from these things, even in nature and whatnot. I only wish there was something I could suggest that would be adequate. Also, I guess I understand your last explanation of your using the term "what I did" regarding your abuse but it's hard for me to hear you say that and not think that it sounds like you are taking responsibility for your own abuse in some way. I don't think you are responsible in any way for being a prostitute when you were 12, no matter what happened. I don't know why I keep wanting to telling you this but when I look at your avatar, all I want to do is go back in a time machine and rescue those two little boys. I want to take them away from the people that were hurting them and hug them and tell them that is isn't their fault. Because, it wasn't their fault. Not any of it.
I haven't talked to you much. But from some of the replies I've read from you, on my posts and others', I can tell you're an amazing person. You have a soul, and a spirit strong enough to lift others out of their misery, and as hard, slow and excruciating as it may be sometimes, it will lift you up too eventually, through the darkest times, I'm sure of it. As eternal as your pain may seem sometimes, the tides do change...sometimes dramatically when you least expect them to. Please never give up on hope. You are a good person, and life will have things to offer you that will give you meaning and purpose.
Hi CH. Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I have always been one who is quick to want to try and lift others out of their misery. Maybe because I know what misery is like and when I see others embroiled in it, my natural reaction is to want to help. Lifting myself out of my own misery is a lot more tricky. Trying to cheer another person up is one thing. Trying to cheer yourself up is quite another. If that makes any sense.
The emotions created from the abuse are so confusing but now I am learning to love myself and the child within.
Loving the child I once was is something that has taken a long time but I am getting there. Loving the adult he became will probably never happen. I can't imagine ever loving myself. I am to disgusted and ashamed of who and what I am and what I have become. Sometimes I can't even look in the fucking mirror, even on a good day. I do not like who I see. I know who he is and I know what he is and it fucking sickens me. The concept of self-love is alien to me, even when I am doing ok. There are a few reasons for that. Some of which I can discuss at MS and some of which I can not.
Anyway, thanks guys for the continued support and for all of the kind and encouraging thoughts and feelings. I hope you are all well tonight. Take care. Peace,