I am tired.
Tired of the repeating internal dialogue that has started from all those times and how its running through my head. Tired. Fuckin' tired. I hear them say the words at four...at 8 and 9... and 12 and how the older guy started at 13 with touching me.....at fourteen telling me what to do, how nice it is and how good it feels..... how big i am...... for four long years and I can't get the words to stop and then the last assault... get your ass up and go clean off.....and how i stumbled drugged into the bath and washed off...... i just am tired.
Its okay to admit to being tired, right? And its okay not to have a positive in a post, right? I am just having a not so great evening because I am processing. The Big Guy will be back when the sun comes up and will take control and most of this negative stuff will be filed appropriately away as its given its just moment in the healing process, right?
For now we see through a glass, darkly.