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#432898 - 04/29/13 10:03 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Have you outed him per MB's suggestions and demanded HE cut off contact with her while giving you transparency? if I remember correctly, there are a few MS folks over at the MB forums. Perhaps they can add to this discussion.

I know that for me, there's a line between the levels of acting out which I'll tolerate. Placing my health in jeopardy with affairs isn't one of them, and I would be NC except for kid/financially related stuff until he (a)stopped blaming me and (b)sought counseling for a minimum of 4 months. But...that's just me.

You know you're not at fault and he's in the fog. You did not betray him, and if it is acting out on his part, and if he's aware of how his CSA/SA factors in, then I would think keeping yourself emotionally and physically safe by refusing to see him except under therapeutic conditions right now would be acceptable. Again, that's just me, and often what I want to do and what I say are painful for survivors to read. But he's expressing no remorse or desire to change, which is far different from where so many of the survivors here are. Bodyguard pointed that out so well: you are worth more than the crumbs and blame he's giving you right now. Letting him fall down and hit bottom may be what it takes, but be prepared: few things take place on the time line we spouses want them to.

I do know taking care of ourselves must come first. I struggle with it (and really am right now actually.) If he refuses counseling, blames you and maintains his denial, you might just have your answers from him. Keep doing what you need to do for you to be peaceful and happy.

#432960 - 04/30/13 03:15 AM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
Thank you Airmid. I actually am familiar with MB but can't do complete exposure because he may lose his job over this affair. Then the kids and I would be financially devastated and we would lose everything.

He does say he knows he needs and wants help but he's not ready to get it. This is in between the blaming me and our marriage. He's definitely in the fog and people are starting to notice at work as well. The rumors are starting at work and it's a matter of time before he's investigated for an affair with a subordinate. I'm praying it doesn't come to that because again that's actually hurting the kids and I more.

I'm trying to get my ducks in a row, put the house up for sale, etc. So if he does lose his job the impact won't be as big. Still big but not as big.

I'm trying to learn to take care of myself, after 16 years of taking care of him and kids it's really hard to focus on myself. I'm also a fixer and it's killing me that I can't "fix" him. He hasn't contacted me today so I actually feel more balanced and not so frantic.

I do plan to limit contact with him but am not sure how to approach it because everything sets him off right now. Anything I do or say gives him justification in his eyes.

Thank you all for reading and taking the time to respond. I don't post on MB anymore because they don't seem to be too helpful to spouses of serial cheaters, even if the person had CSA.

#433017 - 04/30/13 03:03 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
When my H was acting like an idiot I had to come to a place where I stopped worrying about HIM and I started worrying about ME.

If I was you....and I am not....I would start looking at what I want. Not what he is doing but WHAT I WANT from life.....and don't start answering that to yourself with "I want him...." no, go deeper.

You get one shot at life just like everyone else.

#433078 - 04/30/13 10:24 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: sugarbaby]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
^^This^^, yes.

And I completely understand their resistance to delve into underlying root causes and issues; that's why I left MB too. The line is "get help for the other issues first", which sounds great on the surface, but does little to help with immediacy.

I'm glad you're planning longer-range, and hope that's not necessary to do. Don't forget to keep being good to yourself!

#433090 - 05/01/13 12:23 AM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
I'm having a really hard time right now. He hasn't contacted me in 2 days which is the longest I've ever gone without contact from him in 17 years. Withdrawal is almost unbearable right now. I miss him so much. My H not this person he's become.

I'm trying to work on myself, but not thinking about him and wondering what he's doing, feeling or thinking is so hard. How do you stop thinking about someone you've been with for so long.

I'm going to counseling and I'm trying to cultivate new friendships and strengthen old ones but it still doesn't take away that I just plain miss him.

And wonder if he misses me too...

#433134 - 05/01/13 12:26 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Im so sorry that you are experiencing such pain, it is difficult for you, I can imagine after a 21 year marriage I was in fell apart.
I am a survivor, and I read this with tears in my eyes that another family is falling apart.

You are unfortunately hoping for a man that has learnt over many many years not to feel emotions, to suddenly feel.
As a Survivor, I could have walked away from a 20 year marriage and easily left my daughter behind and thought nothing off it. As a healed semi normal person, I could never contemplate this.

Your H has not had any healing, has not dealt with his past and you are asking him to feel?
As for the lady that he is courting, does she think that he wont do this to her?
I am sorry to say this, but you are dying inside and he is doing what I did, Ignore it and it will go away.
If he does not go into healing, then I would consider moving on, hard to do I know but something that you might have to seriously contemplate.

Until he faces his past, don't expect anything.
Perhaps you should consider bringing the bottom up, ruining his world, but remember that this too could backfire, and that would completely destroy any chance of reconciliation.

I hope this gives you some insight, I know that it doesn't help you much, but you need to start caring for you and the kids now.

My prayers are with you
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#433271 - 05/02/13 01:52 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
H finally did reach out to me yesterday after 2 days of no contact. Our daughters birthday is today so we are going to dinner tonight. I'm very nervous and not quite sure how to act. He sees me detaching as me not loving him.

But me showing him more attention than I should right now while he's in an active affair is not good either because he's getting the best of both worlds.

I'm so torn. I'm also afraid he's going to file for divorce since she's receiving her divorce papers today from her husband.

I know I need to focus on myself and try not to worry about what he's doing with her but it's so hard. How do you do that. My mind is consumed with him and her.

I'm still in shock that he seemed so ready to get help and he was still lying the whole time and was already in another affair.

I really was doing so good at detaching and living my life, not worrying about what he was doing. But this new information from a week ago has really thrown me for a loop. I can't seem to stop thinking about them together.

#433447 - 05/04/13 03:30 AM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
H texted me this morning and said he had finally contacted his Employee Assistance Program to get an appointment with a therapist. I'm so proud of him for taking that first step. I know the fear is so big and this is a huge deal for him.

I'm not sure what's going on with the current OW, I'm trying to detach and not worry about it. It's still hard though.

I miss him so much.

#433632 - 05/05/13 09:44 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
H was texting me Friday night and my daughter and I were actually driving by his apt. on the way to pick up my son so he asked us to stop by so he could say hi to our daughter. I did and he looked so sad and lonely.

He asked me if he wanted to see the new apartment he is moving to because the other one just felt too small. It was so hard to go through this apartment with him and have him telling me where he's going to put this and that and how he has been forgetting things for work because they are spread out all over his apartment. It just made me so sad.

When we were leaving he told me that he would like to talk to my mom while she is here (she just flew in Friday morning) so that he could apologize for hurting me and letting my family down. He started to cry and then walked away. He texted me that he was sorry and that he did want to talk to my mom at some point.

Yesterday he came to the house and to pick up our son and he did talk to my mom. Told her he was sorry for hurting me and letting them down, etc. Also told her that he loves me but this is something he has to do on his own. He knows the problem is him and he can't work on himself while living at home.

He gave me several hugs and I was not having a good day so he saw me crying. He then told me that this is why we just shouldn't spend time together. It hurts me too much. Then he told me that he's still upset with me for talking to the OW's husband about him. And he sees it as a betrayal on the same level as his betrayals to me. I kept my mouth shut and didn't engage. Yeah I'm learning!!

Then last night we had a banquet for my daughter so were both there. I thought it was fine and it wasn't weird for me at all. We sat with each other, etc. He overheard me making plans to go out next weekend and tried to act encouraging about how I should go out.

He was supposed to go to church with us today but he texted me that he wasn't going to go after all. He felt like yesterday was hard and confusing for both of us.
Said we would try to go next week for Mother's Day.

I know I'm supposed to try to focus on myself but all I can think about is that he is probably with her. It's so hard to believe anything he says now.

And I'm still torn, do I spend time with him or do I cut him off on the family time until I know he is without a doubt no longer seeing her?

I am trying to focus on myself, I am making friends and making plans to go do things. But it's really hard not to think about someone one and what they are doing when you've been with them for so long.

#433637 - 05/05/13 10:56 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Wow allalone

I wish I had some magic answer for you. This is such a awkward position. I don't feel qualified to offer advice here. But I really feel for you both.

Some observations....

I think he is blaming you for talking to the other husband because he is stuck in a victim mind set. It is so easy to focus on how others have hurt us rather than how we have hurt others. It took strength for you to not react and yes that would not have gone well.

While I can understand his confusion ... being torn between what he thinks he wants and what he actually wants. For your relationship to continue he really has to decide to stop this affair. I think there is a difference between acting out with random people purely on a sexual level and having a 'relationship' with another person. To me that is a greater level of betrayal.

You have drawn a line in the sand ... the rest is up to him.

More than meets the eye!

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