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#436858 - 06/04/13 07:44 PM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Not so fast, there.

He's back to over-working, although less than before. Since his disclosure in MC, I reminded him that he's able to be seen for free by the local DV center, who also specialize in CSA/SA for both men and women. He declined and said he'll go back after he adjusts into work some and we have money again. (We're still facing eviction, but hopefully will stay put.)

He's still appreciated at work, but has again made work the focus of much of our conversation, and has reverted back to inappropriate actions: leering (full body) at other women when we're on dates, controlling how our sex life plays out, going into work early and staying 2-4 hours late doesn't appear that he's breaking any old lies at all.

"We're out of the woods now, all is well" seems to be where he's at. I'd say I know for sure, but most of our conversations are either about finances or fluffy stuff. After I fielded a collection call for his vehicle yesterday, I got angry with him (on the phone, no less). He said "you know, sometimes I just can't handle the stress", and my reply was to ask why he felt I could, without warning. Today he's paying enough to keep the vehicle, and assumed I'd go with him.

I've taken on some side work (art-related; it's been a long time, and feels really good to create again!) I'm also advocating for all three kids as the end of school transition is here and a few problems have cropped up for each kid regarding things like transfers, acceleration testing for them, etc. I wussed out on meetings and fired my AA sponsor after she didn't return calls or texts for three weeks, so I'm committed to go group-shopping this week, as well as to make one new friend in the next month. I'm selling off some of my antiques collection for money.

Today in therapy, my IC pointed out that I do come from a place of compassion with him, and am adjusting my actions to his. I'm also a survivor, and his controlling behaviors are triggering me. This week his big thing is sexist comments, and I have no tolerance for that. He knows it triggers me, down to specific phrases he's insisting on using. I told the IC that, and he asked if I'm ready to apply for FAFSA, get back to school and work on a long-term plan, should my husband continue to refuse IC for his own CSA even though he's disclosed. That's hard to face, that it may be time to begin working toward planning to not be together any more if he stays in denial, yet continues the emotional abuse. I didn't even want to admit that he's still being emotionally abusive. It's rough. My husband is still a good friend, but right now, I'm having a hard time respecting him since he's regressing and back in denial. Doing this dance is wrecking me even as I grow and do more for myself.

Edited by Airmid (06/04/13 07:46 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling

#437173 - 06/07/13 03:30 AM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY

It seems like you are both under stress, as you both pointed out to each other, although maybe in not the best way.

Yes, your place of compassion is your m.o. with him. If he is not fully facing his demons, then this is a strong place for you to be. I can't speak from experience, as my former spouse and I are still currently separated, but I would think that such compassion can't ever really be set aside. It's fine for people who have routine stress to let it slide sometimes. But for survivors who are struggling with the past and often dancing as fast as we can to avoid it, true compassion may inspire us to remember that healing is not worth dropping.

Hope you can take some time to breathe and let a little compassion for yourself in too.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#437411 - 06/08/13 01:50 PM Re: Constant Crisis [Re: Airmid]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Thank you, focused. I forget that I need to be kind to myself too.

We talked the other night, and he's ready. The biggest help has turned out not to have anything to do with the marriage: his boss at his new job completely respects him, and that's raising his true confidence so much! He hadn't said much about it, and I figure that silence about success is his inner shame telling him he's not worth it. But he is, and it's good to hear him say the compliments and responsibility feel good. Maybe hearing how solid he is from others lets him know I'm not crazy for thinking he's so awesome...

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