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#433505 - 05/04/13 02:29 PM addicted to glory hole porn- TRIGGERS.
takingitslow Offline

Registered: 09/12/12
Posts: 94
Loc: UK
I'm on anti-depressants so I find it hard to masterbate for the quick release as they seem to work as a numbing agent.

But if I watch glory hole straight sex videos online the effects of the anti depressants don't seem to frustrate me and leave me desperate to ejaculate. Without the pornography it can take me over 40mins but with it less than 5 mins.

Triggers- I think this type of pornography appeals to me due to my CSA 14-21 yrs old at the hands of my uncle as I would often sit on his lap when he masterbated me. Or if he wanted to suck me off I would put a pillow over his face as I never wanted to see his face and especially with the oral sex I would never let him know I enjoyed any of it. It was all just to fulfil what he wanted. So I guess the idea of sexual acts with no sound and no revealed faces is ingrained in me a bit. I'm still a virgin at 24 I'm hoping to start with relationships and sexual contact with women soon when I'm a bit more stable and once the trial against my perp is over hopefully within next 4 months.

I'm only starting to think more about the sexual acts my perp did with me as the first 1.5 years of my recovery I have not seemed to get angry at the acts (they happened 100's of times) more angry at the emotional trauma of betrayal, being robbed of 7 years of my life and the control he had over me. I was 14 years old- sexually clueless he manipulated me, groomed me, controlled me and because there was no penile penetration I felt it was less bad I guess. Sure I must of been afraid of being found out by my Dad, Im not entirely sure on my thoughts at the time. I guess I looked at the 1hr or so sexual acts with my perp a day as something that had to just be done and over with. If I wanked him off quicker the quicker it was over ect. Bit like how I had school 9am-3pm every day so I also had 1hr or so of csa a day or every few days. Re-reading that last sentence does add to my explosive anger but last few days I'm not as mad, sure Im still pissed off just not boiling point.

I've cut down on my porn watching. I know it is wrong but I am impulsive, obsessive and compulsive at times (also gambling addiction, nail cutting so they bleed to self sabotage). I'm hoping now I see the similarities of glory hole and anonymity of sexual pleasure/release by not putting a person/face/ to the act I hope I can refrain from this in the future.


Edited by takingitslow (05/04/13 02:37 PM)

#433513 - 05/04/13 05:22 PM Re: addicted to glory hole porn- TRIGGERS. [Re: takingitslow]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
((((( Dan ))))))

Given the stress that you must be under as you deal with the trial of your perp, who can blame you for acting out with porn that fits within your abuse.

Stop feeling guilty for what isn't your fault, and stay strong.

We are here to support you.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#433576 - 05/05/13 03:25 AM Re: addicted to glory hole porn- TRIGGERS. [Re: takingitslow]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 328
Loc: MO
To Taking it slow,

I am impotent on my anti-depressants. I understand you think watching porn is wrong. Gambling addiction is certainly a problem. Any type of physical self-abuse (self mutilation) is a sign of a deep problem and needs to be addressed with your T.

How you cope with masturbation should be no ones' concern but your own. If you feel it promotes negative feelings against women, or the idea of objectifying anyone in any sex modeis likely a reflection of your CSA.

I hope you can be easy on yourself.

#433603 - 05/05/13 12:23 PM Re: addicted to glory hole porn- TRIGGERS. [Re: takingitslow]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Ever since I started my meds, my compulsive masterbation seems to have subsided dramatically. I still do it more than often, but it does take ages to achieve orgasm.

Think it could be the meds too

#433822 - 05/07/13 12:52 AM Re: addicted to glory hole porn- TRIGGERS. [Re: takingitslow]
David Mac Offline

Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Hi Takingitslow,

I read in Dr. Carnes book, Don't Call It Love, that sometimes compulsive, addictive ssexual behavior is a reinactment of sexual abuse. I saw that with me too. So I joined sexaholics anonymous two years ago and found that I was able to live without chronic, desperate masterbation, porn and cruising. Sexual sobriety gave me a chance to work on the deeper issues of sexual abuse.



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