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#433501 - 05/04/13 10:12 AM Are these 'after effects?' *Triggers* *Long Post*
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
It wasn't until I had one of my breakdowns and had been sent to therapy that I had started to realise the truth.

Anyway, I never gave much thought about the things I've done, but now things are starting to make sense. Feel free to add your own or agree/disagree if you think any of these are wrong.

I'm going to be honest here. I have nothing to hide anymore, why should I?

-Fear of the dark till a late age (still not 100% comfortable).

-Do everything in my power to not have sex as an adult. I had this irrational fear of sex, which I always put down to my lack of inexperience. I was always nervous with the opposite sex and unsure of the intentions of my same sex counter parts. I tried my best not to enter relationships and made excuses like I didn't like there was something aggrovating about them or I didn't like one of their facial features (stupid things like cheek bones).

-Excessive OCD issues. Started with 'If I don't do that everyone is going to die' then turned to 'If I don't do that I'm gay' then it turned into 'being found out' (I don't know what it was, but I didn't want anyone to find out. That annoyed me because I didn't know what it was).

-Gender confusion. I used to cross dress as a young kid, which left me in my mid teens. I thought I was gay, but didn't fantasize about males, more so that I was the female instead.

-Obsession with diapers from the age of 5 onwards. I've mentioned it before here. Odd fetish yes, first time I got caught wearing one when I lived at home, my mother asked me if I was abused. I cried and said no, she suggested I talk to someone. She then asked me if I was a pedo. I was so angry at that question and so upset at the same time, it broke my heart.

-Violent daydreams. I used to fantasize about someone in my family getting hurt and then drempt up ways in which I would get revenge.

-Daydreams in which I would be the hero in a situation. (Think thats normal).

-Fantasies about getting taking away/raped from a young age to this very day. This is difficult and I hate posting this one, but this plagues me EVERY night. EVERY night. I don't want to but I do at the same time. It's confusing and something I could do without.

-Always wanting to be alone. It was my friends birthday yesterday, since I'm on medication I have a valid reason not to go out drinking. I used it as an excuse not to go out. Instead, I sat at home and played games/watched things I wanted.

-Addictions. Think my first addiction was anything that was sweet and had the potential to destroy your teeth. This then turned into cocacola, my first computer (age 10ish), the internet (loved it as a kid, still do now - amazing - My mother blames this for the source of all my problems.), coffee from an early age, alcohol, hardcore gaming, tobacco and for the last eight years I've got a gradually accelerating $100 a week pot habbit.

-Excessive masterbation. I've been tugging away since I was a kid, I think the first time I started going at it was about the age of 9 or 10. As I got older it became more and more frequent, some nights in my early teens I would manage some 15-20 on one night. I remember wanting to pleasure myself in public places, like on the bus (age 11-14?).

-PUBLIC TOILETS. I HATE THEM! I can't pee or anything if anyones standing close. I ALWAYS go to a cubicle, even then I struggle to squeeze a drop if there isn't enough ambience in the room to drown out those awkward silences of just standing over the toilet bowel and nothing happening.

-The above brings me on the next one; shy bladder. I'm going to get this medically checked, but I've always struggled taking a leak, sometimes I even have to 'push' to pee, especially in social istuations.

-Toilet habbits. I used to have to strip entirely naked to go to the toilet for a number two, I still don't know why, I just couldn't go. I would also have to use loads of toilet roll, to ensure my backside was clean as possible.

-Alternating moods. Everyone and I mean everyone gets moody and goes into moods, but the frequency of these moods has always been a bug bear for me. I would go from being relaxed and calm, to hyperactive and over playful, to depressed and quiet, angry and agitated back to any of the above. All in the space of a few hours, for no good reason.

-Social anxiety. I had a bad time in my later years in high school, I got singled out like an omega wolf, a lot of what happened there I acurately attribute to fearing public places.

-Enhanced Empathy. Some say survivors are unusually empathic, because from an early age they were able to mimic desired behaviour, thus can easily read people and tend to make good empathisers. The 'wounded healer' effect has been said to apply to myself, even by people who don't know my history.

-Fuck authority. This one has always got me into trouble, I have always intelligently debated against any form of authority, often with stubborn ignorance and often with good cause. I felt the need to speak out for people who I percieve as not being condifent to do it themselves.

-Confidence or lack of.

-Self hatrid and self loathing.

-Overly sensitive to pain.

-Hypervigilant and easy to startle. Always.

-'Passive' Suicidal thoughts. I don't think I've once ever properly planned a suicide, but I have always entertained the thoughts and considered the quickest and most effective ways to kill myself. The odd thing is, I was never sad or depressed when I was thinking about these things, I was quite enthusiastic about it in my head. Can't really explain why though.

-I had an irrational fear, which I've shed lately and always put this down to age of people close to me dying, especially my mother. She went back to work when I was 4 years old and I remember I had to wave her off every day and watch her until she went out of sight, as if I was trying to savour every single moment thinking it would be the last time. She had to wave back. This carried on into my adult life, but in secret. I have only been moved out a year and a half from my mothers house, but I used to watch her in the morning until she had gone for the same reasons.

-Constant praying for protection. I started out as a catholic, I went to sunday school, church and the whole shebang. I felt something special in church, a weird sort of aura that moved over me and found it peaceful and a relaxing enviroment. As I got older I grew bored of religion and abandoned it. As my later teens arrived, my focus of hatrid was all directed against religion and I started an educational crusade to discover the history of religion, science and did a lot of research to confirm my views. But this NEVER stopped me praying daily in what was effectively a OCD related ritual where I would have to stand a certain way, do strange gestures and then pray for the lives of my family and that no harm will done. Always praying for protection. This has stopped more recently, but I have found myself doing it upon occasion.

-Mirrors. I used to hate my reflection, I've started to like it more recently, especially since my body shape has changed. I used to do strange things like say my "I'm richard, I'm richard, I'm richard" then find it strange. I still think its a different person looking back, its hard to pinpoint this one.

-Distorted body image. I hated and still do hate myself and my body. I disgust myself, but pretend not to care. I punish myself for looking the way I do. I think I'm ugly and no one would want me. Pathetic?

-Unrealistic expecations of others. I still do this and did it a lot, I would set these unrealistic quests for friends and family, they wouldn't even know they were on a quest, but when they failed it validated my belief that they suck and can't be trusted. The thing is, they were always set up to fail. My friends have adapted quite well to this neurotic behaviour.

-Feeling happy and sad at the same time. Can't explain it, just how it is.

-Control. I try to control things, I profess not to be organised and exhibit to those around me; that I do not care for plans or anything. But plans are all I make in my head. I often ask in gest what day it is to my co-workers, to fulfill this image I'm trying to create (laid back, easy going etc).

-No sense of personal boundries. I do it all the time, I push people and ask invasive questions when I first meet them. But this potrayal of innocence I mask onto others prevents them from getting angry.

-Intelligence. I really fucked up in school. I stopped caring early on, I think I know why now. Though my grades slipped dramatically, this didn't prevent me from being creative and thinking differently to others.

-Obsession with FIRE. I LOVE fire. From about the age of 9-13 I had an unhealthy obsession with starting fires. I lived in a valley with a large river and masses of wood land. Finding hidden places to burn things (I would burn anything) was easy.

-Lack of will power. My will power sucks.

-Impulsive decision making. I make decisions based on how I feel rather whats rational and logical.

-Used to wear a lot of baggy clothes and clothes that were a few sizes to big. I'm not sure what that was about.

-Bruising. All kids get cuts and scrapes, but all I remember were brusies. I was active outside and had an older brother, thats what I put it down too, now I'm not so sure.

-Confusion and paranoia about oneself and others.

-Accurate judgements of people. I have a sort of sixth sense, which I think many of us do; we're not always right on this one, but if I meet someone I can generally tell if they're a bad egg or not and I can easily assess their intentions.

#433502 - 05/04/13 10:15 AM Re: Are these 'after effects?' *Triggers* *Long Post* [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
There are more, I can't list em all off the cuff though.

Here are a few more which I think are relevant.

-Alway taking really hot showers/baths.
-(not sure how relevant this is) Can't open my eyes under water at all.
-Don't like water on my face.
-Excessive risk taking (I drive a bit recklessly at times)

#433507 - 05/04/13 10:41 AM Re: Are these 'after effects?' *Triggers* *Long Post* [Re: Poorsoft]
csasurvivor1992 Offline

Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
poorsoft, wow. that must've taken a lot out of you to share all that. wow.

MANY of those things are spot on "me" too. MANY of them. I understand the frustration. I understand it more than you know, I believe many of the members here do as well.

So let me ask you this... it sounds like you think there is something wrong with you? The thing I didn't see on here was that you studied psychology (of some kind) and are now going to be a therapist? It sounds like you've done incredible things.

The problem our assholes gave us wasn't that we can list of things that make us unique or special or awful, it was how they made us feel about those things. Like these lists of deficient behaviors made us terrible people.

Thing is, this list doesn't do that at all. I think it does many things, namely, show just how interconnected survivors of CSA are. Most of these things are likely "side-effects." And the thing with side-effects... well they're side-effects of an awful incident that was forced on you.

Not sure if any of that babble made sense at all. But I'll finish with this. I remember you saying you had repressed memories and you're now dealing with what you believe was CSA. If that's the case, then everything you listed makes you quite normal. You've experienced a normal reaction to a very abnormal childhood.

It's the abnormality that we need to isolate and be angry about and grieve.

Hope this helps and THANK YOU for sharing!
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

#433508 - 05/04/13 10:42 AM Re: Are these 'after effects?' *Triggers* *Long Post* [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Yeah it does help man. I've started to remember things, but I'm not sure whats real and whats not. I need more time.

The thing, these are just things I've done, rather than feel bad about. But a lot of this behaviour I've NEVER questioned, just had it. It bothered me and it didnt at the same time.

Oh yeah I studied for 4 years and have been practicing for a couple now. smile

#433635 - 05/05/13 06:37 PM Re: Are these 'after effects?' *Triggers* *Long Post* [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Shameless self bump.

I'm really curious to see what other people have to say about the list I made.


#433636 - 05/05/13 06:47 PM Re: Are these 'after effects?' *Triggers* *Long Post* [Re: Poorsoft]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070

This is a great list. Many things here ring true for me, and many others here. It's comprehensive, and there are few you have listed that I didn't in my recent post alone the same lines.

I've gotten over my fear of the darkness, but as a kid it was really bad.

I don't have time to discuss all the points you made that I can identify with... but it's clear that you're doing a great job examining how the abuse might have affected your life.

Nothing is going to change over night, but recognizing things is the first step. So bravo!

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#433669 - 05/05/13 11:46 PM Re: Are these 'after effects?' *Triggers* *Long Post* [Re: Poorsoft]
Publius Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
Yep going down that list I saw a good number of things I've experienced as well. For instance, I used to daydream about being raped as well mostly by girls I liked. I did weird sex things before puberty like putting things in my butt, drinking my own pee, and trying to give myself fellatio. I never would have admitted any of this had I not realized once recovery began that I was recreating what was done to me. My personal form of passive suicidal thoughts takes the form of my being unjustly condemned to death for something, usually because I was abused. I remember in high school when I was actually suicidal I would fantasize daily about the girl I liked from school, her friends, and others telling me it would be better for everyone if I was gone. Hell, in my distorted viewpoint suicide was the right and moral thing to do and once dead Jesus would embrace me into heaven. It got the point where I began to believe they held these beliefs despite the complete opposite being true. Also, I struggled with extremely intrusive evil and violent misanthropic thoughts. I am telling you man you are not alone on this one.

Edited by Publius (05/05/13 11:50 PM)
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh


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