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#433331 - 05/02/13 08:52 PM same old feelings
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3950
Loc: settling in the USA again
this is how i used to feel - every day when i went to school from about april of 5th grade through may of 7th grade. get up with a pit in my stomach - guts tied into a knot, shaky knees, heavy shuffling feet, trembling hands, dry mouth, lump in my throat, racing heart, light-headed, hanging head, slumped shoulders... knowing i will be in the same classes and halls and locker room and sports field and playground with the bullies and abusers for 7+ hours before i can escape again. not knowing who will attack - where - when - how... ????

it is all back. been here. done this.

it is such a trigger - just going to school. but this time i am all grown up. and this time i am a teacher. but i still feel like i am blundering into a mine-field. and that there are hidden enemies waiting to ambush me. and snipers about to blast me. and kick me when i'm down. and i am defenseless and vulnerable.

all my accomplishments and successes and reputation and sacrifices and my track record of however many years is worthless in the balances against the gossip, rumours, innuendos, and outright lies that can be spread by one vindictive and spiteful mouth. and you can't tell who is saying what behind your back and who is believing it - and watching for the least little "sign" that it is all true.

i must have been a lot stronger back then. i cannot take this for even another month - much less over 2 years.

lee
_________________________
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"

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#433332 - 05/02/13 09:08 PM Re: same old feelings [Re: traveler]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Lee

I am saddened that your workplace has given you the gift of feeling so bullied again in life. Unfortunately for even experienced, gifted teachers such as you and your wife, unfounded accusations are all it takes to blemish an impeccable record of exemplary service to others.

Try this- read Ruiz's "The Four Agreements". There is a wise section in the little book (and it is a little book) that talks about gossip. He refers to the dark, hurtful gossip- such as you are concerned about- as being 'black magic'. He calls it 'black magic' because of the power it gains over its topic (the person being talked about or to).

I have a SUPER HARD time refuting the black magic in my life, as is evident in my last posting. But if we learn to realize that we are giving the control over to the purveyors of those words intended to hurt us- and that is what gossip and the gossiper do.... intentionally hurt.... then of course they won't have that power anymore.

It's to be a hard task to master, but maybe it might be worth the effort. In the time remaining for the school year, remember you are Traveler. The good man. The man who helps other deal and survive and learn to walk without guilt or shame. That is who you are. Walk into that school each day, just as you have told me countless times.... no shame- no guilt. You have done nothing wrong. Be strong and be "Traveler".

........summer is coming, guy. And you and the wife have great plans!!! Focus on that.


Edited by ThisMan (05/02/13 09:14 PM)
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#433339 - 05/02/13 10:17 PM Re: same old feelings [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3950
Loc: settling in the USA again
thank you, b.

i just bought it on Kindle.

lee
_________________________
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"

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#433384 - 05/03/13 11:15 AM Re: same old feelings [Re: traveler]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3024
Lee

Stay strong you have support. I cannot imagine the pain the situation must be causing you and your family. Try to remember how far you have come, and how dark that other place is. Vent, share, talk, cry do whatever brings you some comfort. Distraction may help, a hobby, a trip away to a new place for a few days, anything.

We are here for you, as you have been for so many of us.

Kevin

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#433387 - 05/03/13 11:32 AM Re: same old feelings [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3950
Loc: settling in the USA again
thanks, Kevin - you all have been a big source of help and strength. the next week will be brutal - leading up to AP exams for my English class on Thursday, and the big all-school musical performances that i'm directing and art show for my classes on Fri and Sat. then i will take a break. if i live that long... in the meantime, this place is my biggest escape. weird how a place with so much pain can be such a source of comfort.

peace and love to all,
Lee
_________________________
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"

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