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#43318 - 08/01/02 08:13 AM Im new here
cards Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/01/02
Posts: 10
Loc: california
I really dont know how to begin this. Ill just start out by saying hello.

I'm 21 years old. I'll finally have something going on with my life with me joining the airforce soon. I was sexually abused at the age of 4 by a neighbor who was 9. I guess he was molested as well. It probably would have continued if he had not moved away. I never told my parents back then about this because my father was an abusive alcholic towards my mother. One time i let out a bit of what happened. That night my dad beat my mother for some reason. I guess blaming her for not keeping an eye on me. They sstill dont know what really happened. He has changed and stopped drinking and doing this to my mother when i was around 9.

I had never thought about this. I guess i totally blocked it out of my mind. Till 2 years ago, i had told my ex girlfriend what had happened to me when i was younger. She has been the only one i have ever told about this. It felt a little good letting someone else know why i am the way i am. My whole life has been totally screwed up by that. I am anti social, and like most others that have this happen to them. I almost molested my sister. Luckily for me i didnt. I couldnt bare having myself doing that to her. I just was glad i didnt pass down this onto her. Or anyone else for that matter.

But this has ruined my trust with people. And why i never talk to anyone. It always has me questioning their friendly attitudes. I dont wanna tell my parents what happened to me. Nor do i want to get into therapy for it. I dont have the money and its just hard to talk to people in person. I guess this is why i found this place. And its alot easier to type all this out. I'm afriad this recent depression is gonna end up having me commit suicide. For some reason i want to live and see if maybe my life will have a happy moment.

I guess i've made this big enough.

#43319 - 08/01/02 10:17 AM Re: Im new here
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Cards and welcome to NOMSV
Thank you for entering the military. I hope your time is safe and that you find the Air Force a good experience for you. I was an auxiliary chaplain at an AF Base for two years--met lots of really good people there.
Talk all you want here. Join the chat room too when you can. I have found that sometimes medication for depression helps a lot. You do not need to go to a psychiatrist to get that. A good primary doc knows enough to give you something. Some thought has come out lately that people do as well without medication--that has not been true in my life but we are all different.
Cards, breaking the silence is a very freeing thing. Sounds to me like you have a loving and understanding girl friend. You have a bunch of brothers here that are the same way. I hope we hear from you a lot.
Take care Kid! Be safe.

If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#43320 - 08/01/02 02:00 PM Re: Im new here
SoCalJohn Offline

Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California

Welcome, i hope you find some comfort while your here, this is a good place to talk things over and let out some of your secrets. Breaking the silence and just putting things out there is a big step. So is the Air Force, I hope it turns out ot be a good choice for you, lots of opportunities there. Sure looks to me like your making some good choices for yourself and taking things head on, good for you.

I am glad your here.


I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

#43321 - 08/01/02 05:35 PM Re: Im new here
cards Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/01/02
Posts: 10
Loc: california
Wow, thanks a lot for the support. I guess the reason i havent said anything about it to anyone was the fear of being ridiculed by it. It really isnt a thing you can just go out telling anyone.

#43322 - 08/01/02 07:00 PM Re: Im new here
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Hi Cards,
Sorry to have to say this but WELCOME!!!! Your very brave, Im 34 and just now starting to get help with mine. Be stong and keep comming here it's a safe place to be. We are all brother's on one way or another. So ((((((((((hugs for you)))))))....and ^5's...........

I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#43323 - 08/01/02 07:06 PM Re: Im new here
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Welcome to a safe and friendly place.

There's a lot of good help and support here from people just like yourself.
The most liberating thing about recovering from abuse is knowing that you're not the only one, it's a sad thing I know, but not being alone is a source of great strength.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#43324 - 08/02/02 12:42 PM Re: Im new here
Carl123 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/00
Posts: 25
Loc: PA, USA

You're very brave and very courageous to seek help and support at this stage in your life. I was well into my thirties to before I even began to walk this path toward healing. You have a great head start.

All of us here understand you and whatever "dark secrets" you harbor. My telling your story, and opening up to others, you will be able to shine a light into the dark corners of your soul and slowly, over time, rid yourself of the pain that causes your depression.

Please open up and ask question. Speak freely. Share with other and you will learn to trust again.

If you want to establish an e-mail dialogie I am happy to help.

#43325 - 08/02/02 12:57 PM Re: Im new here
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
cards check your profile

Have a good day !!!!!!!!!

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#43326 - 08/03/02 01:16 AM Re: Im new here
Broken Offline

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
Hey man, welcome to the madhouse. Dont give up, we dont deserve this kind of life. You will find that the longer you stay here, not only will you hear yourself being told that you are deserving of love and happiness, but youll start believing it a little at a time.

We have to deal with a lot more than being abused most of the time, we also have to deal with the messed up families and uncaring world that didnt protect us. (Most of us, some of us are very lucky to recieve support.) You have every right to be angry at your parents, there is no real way for a child to hide abuse, there is always some sign of something wrong. Your parents made an environment where it was unsafe to tell them about the abuse, and the likely hood that they would have done something is pretty close to nill. Now that you have admitted that it happened, you can begin to take back your life. If you stick with this, you will learn how to love and be loved, and will start to heal the damage that this has caused. Whatever happens, dont give up on yourself, you deserve to be heard.

There will be much pain and sorrow in your future now. When you first start dealing with the abuse, you will probably be such a mess that you wont know up from down. But hang on, even when things dont feel like they will get any better, they will. I wish you the rewards of life that will come to you when you have finished walking this painfull road.

#43327 - 08/03/02 09:49 AM Re: Im new here
cards Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/01/02
Posts: 10
Loc: california
Thats not far from the truth, broken. After i had told my ex girlfriend about what had happened to me. I just became a total mess. I would be depressed. And other times i would be myself again. I spent around 14 years having that memory blocked. I never gave it a thought. We never really talked about it. I guess just letting it out was as much as i could handle.

I still am a mess now that we're no longer together. I go from extremely sad when i think of her then i get distracted with something and i totally go back to being normal again.

I'll try and take up some of you on the email thing. But its just hard for me to talk about anything. Hence me being a loner nowadays. I just dont know how to talk about stuff like anyone else. I'm the quiet one in real life and online. I guess the reason i go on here is because i ramble on about stuff heh.

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