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#433148 - 05/01/13 04:23 PM We just talked... -> Triggers <-
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2963
I suppose this could be triggering...

This past weekend, I did something I thought would not be possible. I met with the man who abused me (and abused my sister and so many other kids). And we talked.

It was not easy to do - the groundwork literally took months. Despite scouring the vastness of cyberspace, there were no digital crumbs to follow. But through footwork in the analog world, I discovered that there was a high likelihood he was locked up in a specific high-security facility near where we used to live. I went there never expecting I'd even get in - I just wanted to see if he was there. But for asking the questions, I got a pass and entered his stark gray world of rolled barbed wire and uniformed overseers and heavy metal doors.

He looked old beyond his years, used up. So much time had passed. Our eyes locked. The last time I saw him was after he dismounted me for the last time. Back then, our eyes never locked. We didn't even speak - he knew what he wanted, and taught me well how to give it, with only the occasional instruction or encouragement whispered from behind my ear in the barest economy of verbiage. I was an actor in a play - thirsting for a different reality but caught up in his. There were almost no words then - what he needed required no words, and what I experienced I had no words for. I was as quiet as a mouse.

Last weekend. How the tables have turned. It was as if we both had to learn how to talk to each other, like babies who didn't have a language. I don't think it occurred to me until that moment how wordless - how silent - our interplay had been. My abuse was on automatic. After a while, I didn't feel like I was being abused. I just felt nothing.

We talked for about twenty minutes. I had a bunch of questions for him but only asked one. The words came out of me like a toddler trying to walk for the first time - awkward, maybe not the way I wanted them to hit his ears. He stepped so intimately into my life for so long and we never shared any words about it. Ever. How strange to even say the word. Sex. We had it. We never, ever said it, we never acknowledged it. He wouldn't. I couldn't.

And I said some things I regretted - I mean really regretted. And I'm not sure I can share them here yet but suspect I will at some point. And I regretted the things I did NOT say. I guess I am sort of a mess with this right now. I'm both amazed and proud and not proud all at once.

When I came home the next day, my partner was initially not cool with this. In fact, he was rather livid, but the anger seemed more about the way this guy turned me into "damaged goods" than the fact that I actually visited him. Not easy to listen to, but certainly valid never-the-less and I had to suppress the urge to get defensive. He's better now. And another friend - I'm sure with the best intentions - told me to finally step out of this darkness. The comment came across like, "Snap out of it!" He said that my molester is a broken man, locked up probably forever. Why wallow in the tar pit with him? He has nothing in front of him, yet I can soar to the heavens. It should be good enough to know that.

It should be, shouldn't it? I climbed as high as I thought I possibly could, doing this work. Wasn't this supposed to be the peak? Did I expect this to be my "Tide" mission - with special stain-fighting ingredients to remove even the deepest, greasiest dirt? Does it ever come out? Maybe I didn't expect that, but frankly I'm not fully sure I knew what the hell I expected.

#433151 - 05/01/13 04:42 PM Re: We just talked... -> Triggers <- [Re: Chase Eric]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
What a story, must have taken a lot of courage. I hope this gives you some closure

#433152 - 05/01/13 04:44 PM Re: We just talked... -> Triggers <- [Re: Chase Eric]
csasurvivor1992 Offline

Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
wow. what compelled you to confront him? i have had thoughts about confronting my abuser recently.

thank you for sharing!
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

#433153 - 05/01/13 04:57 PM Re: We just talked... -> Triggers <- [Re: Chase Eric]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
I've been to prisons before to visit people. It's not a fun place. To go to a prison to see my perp? The thought of it makes me terrified.

The fact that you steeled yourself enough to go through with it, and came out the other side in one piece is a huge success.

Allow your partner and friend to be right about moving on, but you did a huge and amazingly strong thing by going to face that MF'er. Even if you said things you regretted and missed an opportunity to say other things... the simple fact that you did this communicates one powerful message from you to him: I am not afraid of you.

You are not afraid. You did something amazing.

(((( Eric ))))

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#433159 - 05/01/13 05:33 PM Re: We just talked... -> Triggers <- [Re: Chase Eric]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3866
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Eric,
it was like yesterday for me when you have had topic about wanting to find and talk with that man.
Good that you finally accomplished that mission and I hope with some time your emotions would settle and you'll felt calmer about it. You followed your wish and you did it, so no matter on mixed feelings you did right thing.
Now let's talk about healing here:
Please don't be ashamed of your words that you said to him. If I would be you I would go trough those feelings of regret. What is there so upsetting, how come that was said what is said and how come that other important questions wasn't mentioned, how feelings emerged parallel with talk with him - that would be my set of questions that I would like to go trough. Could you find some yours?
Also you post very good question at and of your topic about your expectations.
So can you take some time and try to look and find that answer as it could be more important than all this story about confronting your abuser. Question could be for example like this: What you expected from that mission? How you came to those expectations?

You were very brave to follow your heart and you deserve some words of support, here is my warmest hug for you

My story

#433164 - 05/01/13 06:09 PM Re: We just talked... -> Triggers <- [Re: Chase Eric]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929

I am in awe. While I can totally believe that whatever you said didn't come out as desired due to the sheer suddenness of it.... the fact is that you DID confront him. That he saw you arent afraid. He saw you walk into the prison and then walk out of it. What did you have for dinner that night, btw? Bet it was better than his. Is your pillow soft?

His story ended a long time ago - you still have plenty of time to turn yours around.

And the kids of that girl you saved will never have his darkness or that of his prison cell between themselves and the sun.

My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

#433165 - 05/01/13 07:18 PM Re: We just talked... -> Triggers <- [Re: Chase Eric]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida

Thankgawd MS doesn't censor language. Holy fucking shit! About the only physical sensation I can imagine probably barely begins to describe it: stomach like a rollover crash, heart pounding like...oh, forget it. I can't imagine. Man, I wish I'd been there to hold you afterwards. You'll have to settle for the keyboard hug.

I like SoccerStar's observation that you walked in and then he saw you walk OUT.

fwiw, you're still digesting this experience - my way of saying this is no time to judge what you did/didn't say/do. I'm really looking forward to hearing your follow up.

Here's another one -------> {{{{{{{{{Eric}}}}}}}}}}

#433170 - 05/01/13 07:56 PM Re: We just talked... -> Triggers <- [Re: Chase Eric]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:17 AM)

#433173 - 05/01/13 08:38 PM Re: We just talked... -> Triggers <- [Re: Chase Eric]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia

WOW! Everyone else has already said the good stuff. But I just wanted to say how proud of you as well. Like Matt said - you are free he is not. I can't think of a better place to find a perp. Way better the the anticlimax of finding him in a grave.

After I spoke to my abuser it took me days to process what was said and the shell shock lasted weeks. I know it is easier said than done - but don't be too hard on your self about what you did and didn't say.

You are a better man than him.

More than meets the eye!

#433178 - 05/01/13 08:59 PM Re: We just talked... -> Triggers <- [Re: Chase Eric]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Eric- YOU have gained CONTROL. I paid a visit to the home of my teen abuser when I was in my early 30s. Like you found the asshole you visited had aged beyond his years, so did I. Just used up. The visual image I have now is that of a slightly stooped older man with gigantic wide eyes with these incredible bags... like a gargoyle that sits on the pennacle of a medieval church. It was weird beyond belief. Few words were said, but I will never forget the look in his eyes... of someone who was just used up. It took some time, but I eventually realized he could no longer hurt me....... and I made damn sure he couldn't get to my boys.

Give it some time to process. What you did was tremendous and strong and brave. Hug yourself, mister. I remember when I did the visit, my spouse went into a total panic... I didn't understand why at the time. Now I do, I suppose. Be not hard on yourself or your partner. Proud of you. And you are now in control. Truly.

Edited by ThisMan (05/01/13 09:00 PM)
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

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