victor... WOW! me as the CEO of my life, everything else subservient to me and my desires for how to run my life... wow. pretty incredible analogy.
I am so sorry that you are going through this, something very similar to what I am going through. A dad who made me a victim of incest, a mom who doesn't acknowledge it's effects, though she'll say the right things. A sister, another of my asshole's victims, caught in the middle trying to please everybody.
yesterday was my birthday. i turned 32. been in therapy a year. i was raped by my dad 26 years ago... my childhood stopped that day, i grew up. so much has happened, my past beginning to find it's appropriate catalogued space in my mind and that's tough. to accept that my dad never truly loved me, never thought highly of me, was only concerned that i did well enough and didn't say anything so he wouldn't get in trouble. to accept that my mom was present for all of the red flags i now recognize and yet didn't stop to ask or notice. it's tough, to let go of the life i thought i had, the life i still wanted... to be a loving son (always thought i was messed up because i didn't feel the same way about my mother that other's did).
she called... six times yesterday. i only recently discovered that i exhibited signs and symptoms consistent with being an abused child. i only just now realized that she was the common denominator with the different red flag situations... things i said, things i did, my demeanor, etc. we were a military family and relocated to three different cities during the span of my incestuous abuse. different incidents with other kids and their parents, parent-teacher conferences... she was the only non-abuser present at all of them. if she had only noticed.
even without that part of it, i still feel as though she doesn't 'get it.' she doesn't recognize or understand my feelings. she doesn't get it. so, i am distancing myself from her. she wanted to say happy birthday yesterday and pretend everything was "ok." it's not okay, and i'm not going to pretend. i am not okay.
she says "i have been denied the opportunity to wish my son a happy birthday, i am brought to tears." well good for you. so what the hell?
there's this unspoken expectation that we all do "socially acceptable" things. FUCK THAT. it's not socially acceptable to fuck your son. now, i have to deal with the fallout and take care of myself. social norms were broken that day. i am under no obligation to forgive, forget, or pretend. the only obligation i have is to myself.
GEOFF, THE ONLY OBLIGATION YOU HAVE IS TO YOURSELF. but, that's a tough realization. when i experienced the frustration you presently feel, i was still wanting my mommy to protect me, to make me feel safe. when i finally let that go, it was so difficult. i wailed... balled. i am a man, abused as a child, with an asshole father and an unavailable mother.
how do i go on? where do i find my value? because i know i deserved better. if i can't get it from them, i'll mourn that loss. but i deserved better, so i'll move on.
the only obligation you have is to yourself. your family may never be ready to accept the reality that is the fallout from CSA/Incest. That's okay. that's their prerogative. yours is to take care of yourself.
be angry, be sad, shed tears. be honest with yourself. you deserved better. we all did. know that, feel that. you deserved better then. you deserve better now.
be easy on yourself, too. i have learned of men who spend YEARS dealing with the fallout. that's okay, because we didn't ask for this.
maybe we can find a way to make the asshole perps pay for our therapy? now that's an idea worth exploring!
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.