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#433149 - 05/01/13 04:36 PM Re: NOT AGAIN!!!! [Re: bodyguard8367]
csasurvivor1992 Offline

Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
victor... WOW! me as the CEO of my life, everything else subservient to me and my desires for how to run my life... wow. pretty incredible analogy.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, something very similar to what I am going through. A dad who made me a victim of incest, a mom who doesn't acknowledge it's effects, though she'll say the right things. A sister, another of my asshole's victims, caught in the middle trying to please everybody.

yesterday was my birthday. i turned 32. been in therapy a year. i was raped by my dad 26 years ago... my childhood stopped that day, i grew up. so much has happened, my past beginning to find it's appropriate catalogued space in my mind and that's tough. to accept that my dad never truly loved me, never thought highly of me, was only concerned that i did well enough and didn't say anything so he wouldn't get in trouble. to accept that my mom was present for all of the red flags i now recognize and yet didn't stop to ask or notice. it's tough, to let go of the life i thought i had, the life i still wanted... to be a loving son (always thought i was messed up because i didn't feel the same way about my mother that other's did).

she called... six times yesterday. i only recently discovered that i exhibited signs and symptoms consistent with being an abused child. i only just now realized that she was the common denominator with the different red flag situations... things i said, things i did, my demeanor, etc. we were a military family and relocated to three different cities during the span of my incestuous abuse. different incidents with other kids and their parents, parent-teacher conferences... she was the only non-abuser present at all of them. if she had only noticed.

even without that part of it, i still feel as though she doesn't 'get it.' she doesn't recognize or understand my feelings. she doesn't get it. so, i am distancing myself from her. she wanted to say happy birthday yesterday and pretend everything was "ok." it's not okay, and i'm not going to pretend. i am not okay.

she says "i have been denied the opportunity to wish my son a happy birthday, i am brought to tears." well good for you. so what the hell?

there's this unspoken expectation that we all do "socially acceptable" things. FUCK THAT. it's not socially acceptable to fuck your son. now, i have to deal with the fallout and take care of myself. social norms were broken that day. i am under no obligation to forgive, forget, or pretend. the only obligation i have is to myself.

GEOFF, THE ONLY OBLIGATION YOU HAVE IS TO YOURSELF. but, that's a tough realization. when i experienced the frustration you presently feel, i was still wanting my mommy to protect me, to make me feel safe. when i finally let that go, it was so difficult. i wailed... balled. i am a man, abused as a child, with an asshole father and an unavailable mother.

how do i go on? where do i find my value? because i know i deserved better. if i can't get it from them, i'll mourn that loss. but i deserved better, so i'll move on.

the only obligation you have is to yourself. your family may never be ready to accept the reality that is the fallout from CSA/Incest. That's okay. that's their prerogative. yours is to take care of yourself.

be angry, be sad, shed tears. be honest with yourself. you deserved better. we all did. know that, feel that. you deserved better then. you deserve better now.

be easy on yourself, too. i have learned of men who spend YEARS dealing with the fallout. that's okay, because we didn't ask for this.

maybe we can find a way to make the asshole perps pay for our therapy? now that's an idea worth exploring!
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

#433160 - 05/01/13 05:36 PM Re: NOT AGAIN!!!! [Re: bodyguard8367]
David Mac Offline

Registered: 04/30/13
Posts: 57
Loc: Pacific North West
Geoff, I identify with your feeling of wanting to punish others for being so hateful. During quiet times I sometimes feel the desire to strike back. Afterwards. I sometimes feel a general resentment towards straight men. Yet in their presence I'll feel inferior and anxious.

#433171 - 05/01/13 08:04 PM Re: NOT AGAIN!!!! [Re: csasurvivor1992]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6382
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
Originally Posted By: csasurvivor1992
victor... WOW! me as the CEO of my life, everything else subservient to me and my desires for how to run my life... wow. pretty incredible analogy.

even your desires must become subservient to your true self.


#433177 - 05/01/13 08:56 PM Re: NOT AGAIN!!!! [Re: bodyguard8367]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2738

I didn't get the answers I wanted, either. And I've had friends who told me to let it go and get on with things. It's a lonely road because the experience itself is so secretive and shameful and isolating. And when others finally know - they have not a clue what to say or do. So I feel maybe where you are coming from is similar to the frustrations I had to deal with. Anger at those who did this to us, at those who dismiss it, at those who tell us to forgive or just get over it, at those who can't accept us as we are - it can be infuriating.

I wonder, though - are we wasting our anger on these people? They'll never change. And all the energy we put into it only does one thing - it emphasizes how powerless we are to change others. And maybe that triggers us right back to our powerlessness to change our abusers. I pleaded with mine to leave me alone. And he wouldn't. So I asked him - if I let him have me, would he leave my sister alone? He promised me he would and claimed his 80 lb reward. But the promise was never kept. And your own family isn't listening to you now. If you scream loud enough, maybe they'll even pretend that they are. And - like me - you'll think you got a victory when you got nothing. But maybe if you stop trying to make them do anything, it will allow you to refocus your power and influence on the things you actually CAN change.

You have no responsibility to make them see things the way you do. Maybe if you just stop trying, the anger will go away.

I heard a wonderful quote by the Poet Maya Angelou. "People think as they do, not as you think they should do." So simple - so true.

#433306 - 05/02/13 07:32 PM Re: NOT AGAIN!!!! [Re: bodyguard8367]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 07:49 PM)

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