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#432546 - 04/26/13 09:10 PM Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
I posted the beginning of my story in Introductions under Hi Everyone.

I really need help and support right now. I just found out my husband is in an active affair (at the very least emotional but more than likely physical). He is a police LT. and it is with one of his officers on his shift. He could lose his job! I've been having my suspicions about her but never thought he would jeopardize his job and his kids financial well being. I'm devastated and part of me wants to go to the Chief. He would most definitely get fired or demoted. But I wonder if this is what he needs to get help.

Her husband sent me photos of cards my husband had given her back at Christmas and Valentines. One calling her babe and the other say "love you". He says they were just jokes. He says they have an interest in each other but know nothing can happen because he's her supervisor. But they supposedly went to the chief together to confess their interest in each other but let him know nothing had happened. But they would like to be put on separate shifts so when they get divorced they can explore their feelings.

What do I do??? Do I file for divorce immediately or do I wait? I'm so lost and scared and alone.

Please help.

#432558 - 04/26/13 10:42 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
Here is my intro post on Introductions

I'm allalone and I'm married to a survivor. We have recently separated at his request with the intent of him getting help for both the CSA and for multiple affairs throughout our 15 year marriage. I'm trying to understand so I'm reading as much as I can.

Any insight and support I receive is greatly appreciated. Where we live I have no family near and we pretty much isolated ourselves from friends for the past few years and this also obviously not something I can talk about with others.

I miss my husband.

2nd post

Thank you for responding SamV and Lee. I'm having a difficult time with how I should act around him. He thinks he won't get help until he loses me. He has been gone 2 weeks and he has yet to call a counselor. I know he's afraid and I'm trying to be patient but I'm afraid if I give him to much of myself he won't get help.

Thank you for saying I'm strong. I'm being told by many people that I'm obviously codependent or why would I be willing to take this man back after he has cheated on me so many times. I thought loving your spouse for better or for worse is what you're supposed to do when you're married.

How can I turn my back on someone that I love, especially when I know what he's been through and how it has affected him.

Edited by allalone (04/26/13 10:43 PM)

#432559 - 04/26/13 10:44 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
3rd post from Introductions

I've started to write something and then erased several times already... I feel like I just need to talk through some stuff and don't know where to start.

My husband waffled back and forth until late March on whether he should move out. Once he actually committed to an apartment he spent the next week breaking down every day crying and saying he wished he could take everything back, he wished he had never done all those things, etc. He said he didn't want to move out, he's forcing himself because he needs to be punished and needs to suffer. It's hard for him to be around me without feeling overwhelmed by guilt. He also says he doesn't think he will be motivated to get help until he loses me. He finally did tell me the day before he moved out that he knows he does love me.

He has just now been gone two weeks and the first week he saw the kids and I almost every day. And we had contact through texts quite a bit. This past week the contact has been less and I have shown a much stronger demeanor.

He asked me to remind him why he moved out periodically. Which is to get help and have space to think. I have asked him once each week if he has called the counselor and the first week he had but he waited late in the day and didn't have time to do the screening. To my knowledge he has never called back. The first week he was gone, he texted me saying he wanted to have sex. I told him that we would not be having sex until he started going to counseling. He didn't even acknowledge the text. When he saw me the next day he tried some little innuendos and I politely reminded him of my boundary.

The second time I asked him if he had called the counselor and he said no, I ended the conversation and have now been detaching more. He has noticed and he's been close to breaking down a few times. He came to the house last night to spend time with the kids (I was working late) and my daughter said he looked like he was going to cry when he saw that I had taken all but one of our pictures down. He actually snooped through my closet to see where I had put them. He then started grilling her about me. "Is mom doing ok?" "Is she sad?" As I was leaving work, I passed him driving by my work to check and see if that's where I really was (I assume).

I'm having a really hard time when I see or hear about him struggling or hurting. I want to comfort him and tell him I still love him and that I'm here silently supporting him but at the same time I have to start moving on because he's making no move to get help. I understand he's scared and it may take time, I have no plans to file for divorce or date, but I do need to be strong for my kids.
I think it's scaring him because we separated for 10 months back in 2005/2006 and I was a clingy mess. I am no where near the person I was back then. I get sad but it's not consuming me. I do miss him but it's not running my life.

This is so hard. I just want to hug my husband and tell him I love him.

#432562 - 04/26/13 10:54 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
I have so many emotions going on right now I don't even know what to do. I can't relax and I'm so angry at him but miss him so much at the same time.

I know that I'm not going to go to the chief anytime soon if ever. But it's something I'm keeping in the back of my mind if needed.

I just feel even more betrayed by this one than any other. He was so remorseful about what he'd done and wished that he could take it all back or start over. And here he was still doing it. I feel so stupid for believing him. And still wanting to believe that if he gets help he can change.

I'm trying to ignore his attempts at communication but I just gave in and sent him a reply because he was supposed to go with us to our daughters vball tournament this weekend and I told him last night I didn't want him to go. He was adamant that he was going, he wouldn't miss his daughters tournament no matter how I felt. This morning the other womans husband talked to her and she told him that my H was not going to the tournament with us. He texted me this afternoon asking if I had changed my mind about him going. I ignored it. then he texted me a few minutes later saying he guess that means he's going. Then an hour later he texts me that he guesses he will stay home.

I couldn't hold it in any longer. I texted him "isn't that what you already told your girlfriend anyway? Better to let your daughter down then her. Right". He hasn't texted back since.

I know I should've just kept ignoring but I'm so angry and sad and disgusted and every other negative emotion you can possibly feel.

I don't know what to do or how to act.

#432654 - 04/27/13 09:36 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 973
Loc: Canada
Hi allalone ... I haven't forgotten you ...
it's just too painful to read and write.
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#432668 - 04/28/13 01:04 AM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Hi Allalone. Unfortunately, you are not allalone, it's a big club, just not the kind of one we want to be in.

You are playing a game with him right now. One you will regret having played later when you start to feel stronger and more sure of your boundaries.

Surviving Infidelity is a support website and the members there often talk of something called a 180. Reading your posts made me think of it. I recommend that you read a little about it.

While cheating or acting out or numbing are part of life with some survivors, extending your torture is not.

Here's the link. Take a look and take care of you.

#432804 - 04/29/13 04:17 AM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
So I screwed up royally or so that's what he's telling me. When I found out he was cheating I talked to the husband of the other woman. I got info that I needed but we each vented about our spouses as well.

Now my husband is saying I have betrayed him and made him too angry. He is done. We are never getting back together because of what I've done. I said that I have been a good wife and tried everything to save our marriage. He started crying and said that I hadn't. That I should have stopped him or helped him since I suspected he was doing something for a few months now. I told him that I had been suspicious of this woman but since she is one of his officers and his job would be at risk I pushed my suspicions aside. Because the one thing I thought I knew about him was that he would never risk his job.

He told me he never thought I would sink so low as to talk to a stranger about him and our life. He never thought I would be so vindictive. I told him that I was sorry and that I was so angry that night. That he can't even imagine what it feels like to see notes your spouse has written to someone else calling them the same pet name they call you and telling another person they love them.

I'm so angry that he is now going to use my one mistake as his justification to continue his affair and to not get help. He keeps reverting back to blaming all his infidelities on our marriage.

At the same time I'm scared that he really is done.

I was doing the 180 up until I just found out about this affair on Thursday. It was getting to him but he is now using it as justification as well. "See you are happy, you're just fine with out me."

It's weird. Earlier today he was texting me off and on about different things and even asked me if I wanted him to start a load of laundry since my daughter and I were getting home late from the volleyball tournament. Then when I got home I didn't say hi to him right away and then the all the above took place.

Have I really screwed things up for good?

#432843 - 04/29/13 02:56 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:08 AM)

#432861 - 04/29/13 05:05 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
I am in counseling and she is helping me work on myself, but this new information from Thursday has just knocked me for a loop on several different levels. That he is still lying to me, still cheating, and risking his job and our financial well being.

I know he's turning it all on me to justify his actions but it hurts so much. It's also his way of controlling me. His life is spiraling out of control right now and he's not used to me actually getting and remaining angry. I get angry but usually get over it quickly. I have taken down all of our pictures, stopped wearing my wedding rings, etc. All since I found out he's in an active affair. He knows he's losing me and he knows his jobs at risk but he doesn't want to let go of her either. So I'm the target to take all of his anger and fear out on. Usually it makes me cower down and beg him to forgive me and settle for any crumb he will give me.

Even though it hurts me I'm not being the same person I was the last time we went through this. Willing to settle for whatever. This affair is my final breaking point. I'm still not ready to file for divorce but I'm not going to settle for crumbs anymore. I love him and still want this to work out but I just can't take the day to day up and down anymore.

#432866 - 04/29/13 05:43 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
I guess what I'm wanting to find out from those of you that have been through this is: Is he spiraling. Does he think his world is falling apart right now so he's taking it out on me? Could he be close to hitting bottom?

What should I be doing in the meantime. I'm trying to work on myself and get a life, build new friendships, focus on my kids, etc. But when he contacts me as if nothing has happened what do I do? Do I make idle chit chat, do I respond "good morning". Do I give him any of myself right now?

When we went through this before I did the Marriage Builders program of plan A and plan B. So I'm in this dilemma of cutting off all contact so he can stop using me to justify his behavior and fully focus on his affair and letting it fall apart b/c they no longer have me to use as fuel for their affair. Or being understanding b/c of his CSA and possible s. addiction and still having some friendly contact with him.

He tells me that he knows I don't love him because I have shown him that these past few days by talking to her husband. I'm in such turmoil about what I'm supposed to be doing.

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