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#433098 - 05/01/13 02:15 AM I'm new to this...
LPSD Offline

Registered: 05/01/13
Posts: 1
Not even sure where I might start, but I'm here because I don't know what else to do and hoping there are others like me.

I'm a 40-something, heterosexual male who was molested by an older sister sporadically from age 11-13. I also grew up in a home with a mentally ill mother who I love, but essentially abandoned me and I've been on my own since I was a teenager. I've been in therapy at times throughout the years and learned that this isn't all that uncommon. I don't have any confusion with my sexual identity, never considered anything other than the opposite sex, but I continue to struggle with the aftermath; or so I'm told.

I've been married, but divorced for several years. My friends think I'm some kind of sexual super hero, but I feel depressed on most days and learned through therapy that my sexual behaviors are a result of the trauma. I take those sexual addiction tests and come out as a sex addict every time.

My behavior is everything from porn stars, prostitutes, online encounters, cheating on amazing women who deserve better, days and days of wasted time-surfing the net for sexual encounters, web cam, sex with strippers in the club and all kinds of other things I'm ashamed of. I've met hundreds of women and been told I can talk anyone into bed. Even walking down the street, my mind just goes to that place and I feel the addiction. I liken it to what a heroin addict must feel and most times, I can't stop myself from the behavior.

The worst part of all this, is that I've met someone I want to spend my life with and my predicament seems to be getting worse. I think I've finally figured out that a NORMAL sexual relationship has a negative effect on me. I'm with someone who is beautiful inside and out and I have a lot of trouble getting aroused with a woman who would basically do anything for me. It's like I crave a loving/sexual relationship and yes I said LOVING, but...I'll pursue someone sexually who isn't even in the same league and be turned on the entire time, just to complete the deed and sink into guilt and depression. I even laugh and talk to myself when I know it's happening again and I feel like I'm giving up on any control I have.

This has happened in other relationships, but I think I understand it better now. I feel like I'm sabotaging my current relationship and beginning down the path of self destruction, yet again. This isn't the person I feel like I am and certainly not the person I want to be. I'm half way done with my life and still never really started a life of my own. I want a family and I want a REAL, loving relationship. I have that now, but I'm screwing it up (at least in private) and I want to stop all of this. My therapist tells me to confront my mother and sister, but my mother isn't around an I don't think it would go well. I believe my sister was molested too and I really don't care to find out, or care at all. I'm afraid talking to her will just make it worse. I feel like she'll deny it and freak out, ending what little relationship we have. It's crazy how the abused worry about their abusers, but I do care about them and I can't explain why.

At this point, I'm lost and at the end of my rope. So much so, that I'm pouring out very private things on a website, just hoping there are others who can help me understand this and maybe, just help...I don't want to live with this pain anymore and I don't want to feel like such a filthy person anymore. I don't want to live like this and I hate that even today, when people talk about their forst sexual experiences, I always make up a story, instead of telling them I was molested. I hate that a NORMAL relationship has an adverse sexual effect on me and I find myself looking for something more risque and dirty. I'm sick of feeling this way.

#433107 - 05/01/13 03:45 AM Re: I'm new to this... [Re: LPSD]
focusedbody Offline

Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 542
Loc: NY
Hey, LPSD.

Good to hear that you found the place and the space for all that you said. Sorry to hear of your struggle, past and most of all present.

The crazy worry about the abuser is not so crazy, I think, but natural and normal. That worry has never gone away for me, but it has taken on different meaning.

The part about a mother and sister who seem to make every sexual encounter a liability is something I can say I'm familiar with. It was only recently that I realized the depth to which these early experiences had influenced so many choices I made. As difficult as it sounds, when I listen to my own feelings of how upsetting the whole pattern of sadness is in my sex life, it starts to put me in a better frame of mind. Acknowledging the pain has been for me the first step to accepting responsibility for what I truly desire. I hear that in your story as well.

There's a lot to relate to here for me and perhaps others. I encourage you to keep going with what you truly want and hang in there.

Lose the drama; life is a poem.

#433126 - 05/01/13 09:20 AM Re: I'm new to this... [Re: LPSD]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia

Well you certainly have found a place with others like yourself. I am sorry that your sister made you eligible to be one of the club 30 something years ago. Seriously - I am sorry! I know all to well how being sexualised at an early age can mess with your view of sex. In my case it was both my older brothers.

One thing most of us have incommon here is that we have all in some way sort out to repeat what happened in our abuse. Whether that be through fantasy, porn, cybersex or real life acting out. We all find out eventually that these encounters are empty and meaningless and only make us feel worse.

You seem to already have a good understanding of what is going on. As I understand it - The sexual abuse you suffered from your sister was wrong, 'risque and dirty'. As a 11-13 year old those experiences somewhat wired your brain to equate those feelings with arousal. So now that is what you crave to repeat in your adult sex life.

For many of us we try to rewrite history - like if this is similar to what happened to me as a kid and I enjoy it now then what happened to me as a kids can't have been that bad. And I was not really a victim afterall - so in that instant we feel better. It makes what happened to us less painful. But when reality sinks in we realise the guilt and shame of what we have just done.

Another thing survivors do is to try to tilt the scales in their favour. They put themselves in similar sexual situations to their abuse 'dirty' etc. But 'this time' they are in control. They call the shots. They control the outcome. It gives them a sense of power over something they had no power over as a kid.

As for the caring about your abusers - that is just one of the ways incest is so messed up. Something I know all about. Confronting them is something you should only do if you feel the need and the time feels right. No therapist should push you into that.

I do think you are heading in the right direction - by acknowledging that the abuse has had an affect on your relationships. That is like the first step in the 12 step program (admitting you are powerless over your addiction). Now that you know where 'that' is coming from you can work on changing your unhealthy habits for healthy and loving ones. Your true hearts desire. Easier said than done.

Take your time to settle in, there are a stack of resources here and guys that understand - but don't over do it at first.

More than meets the eye!

#433130 - 05/01/13 12:08 PM Re: I'm new to this... [Re: LPSD]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Welcome LPSD!

You'll find your story told over and over in the lives of other men here. One of the first lessons you learn here is that you're not alone.

Congratulations in taking this first step in posting your story and struggles. Keep doing the work in therapy and learn all you can here. You will find your way, and you have nearly 12,000 guys here who have your back.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#433158 - 05/01/13 05:28 PM Re: I'm new to this... [Re: LPSD]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
many aspects of your story resonate within me.

without going into details, please know this...

our actions and reactions are as varied as our individual circumstances.
as you read the other stories here, in time you will discover the common thread we all share.
you will find yourself between the lines of every other survivor here. i did, and still do.

i recommend you start here...

i urge you to take your time.
some people here are very sensitive and some words will hurt you.
be gentle. be honest.
be real. be careful.
be kind. be resilient.
beware of trap doors and triggers.
behave with respect.
believe in your value.
become your potential.

i welcome you.

p.s. you can message in private whenever you feel the need


#433168 - 05/01/13 07:39 PM Re: I'm new to this... [Re: LPSD]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:16 AM)

#434862 - 05/16/13 08:08 PM Re: I'm new to this... [Re: LPSD]
rc1965 Offline

Registered: 04/23/13
Posts: 12
I know the pain you are talking about...I act out in very much the same way as you. I can see a lot of my actions in your words.


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