Decided firmly Sunday I would excuse myself from the services of the present T and seek out a new one. Spent the weekend searching on line, reading synopsis and experiences and philosophies. Of course I won't know until I meet them.
I made the call this morning and the former T had no response... I had to leave the message on voice mail. It was funny in that I began by easing into it trying to save her feelings. Standard procedure for me. Then I remembered what she said about my behavior being the base root of what has taken place and I caught myself.
At first I said, "I am canceling my appt this week, I need a break from therapy for a while." Then realized and said the truth.... "no, actually I appreciate what you have done with the csa issues but i need to search out someone who has experience with and can help with the issues of sexual assault of adult males- me- " (and I actually said me).
I scheduled an appt with a T approx an hour away. Since the last two were female, I selected a male. He has experience with csa and victims of violent crime and life changes for adults, etc. Hope he has some indication as to be able to help me ease into a better situation with myself. If not, I'll find another. I feel relieved I made the decision, but feel alone with the assault and abuse issues again. And its okay, I guess, but it leaves me feeling vulnerable. BUT NOT TOO VUNERABLE!!!!
Thanks for the support on this T issue. I think I have made the right decision and feel GOOD about it. (and thanks for not blasting me when I have mentioned the asa in past postings...and I did it again in this post so .... forgive me)
For now we see through a glass, darkly.