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#433102 - 05/01/13 02:36 AM Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL
I think I had my first legitimate suicidal thought when I was in the forth grade but it didn't become a frequent thing until I was in the sixth grade. In the 26 or so years since then, I have gone through periods where my suicide ideation was almost obsessive. Actually, at times, it was obsessive. Forget "almost". The issues I have, the stark reality of my situation, the stains on my soul and the curse I carry in my head have been more than I could cope with for much of my life. So, the suicidal thoughts rush in to fill that void.

I still bear all of that shit but the further I've moved into adulthood, the better I've adapted to living like this. I live a loveless and relativly joyless existence, but I am used to it. I have become desensitized to it, because I've had to. Desensitized to my own internal struggle and to my own pain. I've adapted and adjusted to living as the, ugly, malformed creature that I am on the inside. I've adapted and adjusted to the necessary isolation, because that isolation is what protects my secrets, some of which I can not even disclose here..... it would not be wise.

I don't strugle with suicide ideation that much anymore. Normally I just feel emotionally dead on the inside. Emotionally dead but with an anger that simmers quietly under the surface, and a constant nervousness. An anxiety and a dread that things could get really bad again. For now though, I function. I exist. I exist to function and I function to exist. That's all I do.

This morning, on my way to work, I had a suicidal thought. An angry, self-hating, suicidal thought. When I have them these days, that's normally what they are. Dark, black, hate-filled anger, turned inwards. When I was younger, my suicidal thoughts were normally more the sad, sorrowful, self-pitying kind. Not anymore. Now they are anger, they are self-hate, they are anger at the world and they are me wanting to say FUCK IT!!! I FUCKING QUIT!!!!

Then, I normally check myself, calm myself back down, try to remember that I have a lot to be thankful for and I go on functioning.... and existing. But the weight of this curse, the burden and the pain of bearing it every day, will bring those thoughts back eventually. Always does.

Don't worry guys. You don't have to say "don't do it" or "it's not worth it" or "suicide is never the answer". I'm not going to kill myself tonight, or tomorrow, or probably ever. Death will mercifully find me someday but it probably won't be by my own hand. It's just that this was what happened today, this internal suicidal outburst, and I needed to purge myself. At least to the degree that writing a post on a message board allows me to. Thanks for listening. Peace,


Edited by BraveFalcon (05/01/13 03:50 AM)

#433105 - 05/01/13 02:57 AM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
I've been refraining from posting the past few months because I felt I talk too much when I post. I just have to leave a note for you, though.
The feelings you describe are something I've wrestled with over the years. It was finally diagnosed as PTSD that accompanies the CSA symptoms. Who knew?
You describe thoughts that I call "emotional suicide" where one judges, hates, and shames himself internally..all the while showing no sign to the world that an internal war is being waged.
I've battled it, and it manifested itself in things like nail biting/tearing, lip/cheek/tongue biting, hair pulling, going numb, and a number of compulsive and obsessive behaviors. Each survivor comes up with his own set of coping habits.

I cycle through it, although I've learned some tools that have curbed it all or help me keep it in check.

Give yourself some room, patience, and opportunities to let it out. Weightlifting, running/walking, boxing lessons and a punching bag helped me...alongside therapy. For many people, journaling and writing helps.

Focus that anger somewhere else, especially something inanimate.

The hardest but most rewarding part of a survivor's journey is when he finally realizes and comprehends that it was NOT his own fault. It's hard to work through it because society tells men it IS our fault, which is absolutely NOT true.

Now go do 30 pushups and run a lap. :-)

#433108 - 05/01/13 03:46 AM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: WriterKeith]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
Now go do 30 pushups and run a lap. :-)

Hi Keith. Already got my cardio today. I do hit the gym as much as possible and I do find that it helps. It's funny that you mention those little nervous habits because I have several of them, like pulling at my hair, but I've never related them to CSA or to childhood trauma of any kind. Perhaps there is a link there. I don't know but it's an interesting thought. Thanks.

Anyway, I'm off to bed. Gotta get my whopping five hours of sleep. Lot's of functioning and existing to do tomorrow. Ugh... frown Peace,


#433111 - 05/01/13 04:13 AM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 378
Loc: MO
Hi Brave

I attempted suicide the first time when I was 7. But, the Black Buick stopped.

Anyway, I used to think I was only suicidal when I wanted to actively participate in the suicide. I have learned in therapy that if I do not want to be alive in the morning, that is suicidal.

The idea that I am a monster and that if I ever lose control I will let the monster out is a lie. I will not become my father and rage and attack people. I will not become my brother who knows sexually molesting others is O K and normal if you were abused.

The anger and self hatred are well connected with my self sabutage. I no longer burn myself opening the microwave popcorn. Or need to cut or burn myself to replace the emotional pain.I am bald, so I have no hair to pull. I know that the lie that I was complicit in my childhood sexual assaults needs to be dismissed. But some days it is overwhelming, I can't let it go.

I know there are days when I can't Function and Exist, without intrusive thoughts over taking me, and interfering with my function. Which just reinforces the idea that I am worthless, which returns me to the anger and rage that I am damaged and ...

So it goes. I am sorry that you feel that way Brave, but it is good to know I am not alone.

We all have different stories and we all are just the same


#433136 - 05/01/13 12:58 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
Suwanee Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1345

Purge all you want to purge, here or via PM. Like others have said, find an outlet for your angst and let it out in a controlled environment.

Journaling is one of the best forms of therapy that I have found. Keep physically active---exercise is good for body and mind. Take a hike up Kennesaw Mountain...or walk along the Chattahoochee River. There's a bamboo forest at one spot that is very peaceful and a good place to clear your mind. I'm not particulalry religious, but I find the natural world is very inspiring.

Thinking on an earlier conversation we had...go watch a comedy show live...remember their act is often cathartic for themselves...and hopefully the audience as well. An old acquaintance of mine used to go to a Waffle House for pie and coffee with a group of old men. He's my age, but he felt better after talking to them about love, life, war, politics...he said their age wasn't depressing because their life experience was so deep.

My point is, inspiration and hope show up in odd places. It's just as peculiar as despair and anger that blow in through open windows before moving on.

I like your posts...they are funny and have a way of getting to the heart of the matter. You're an asset to MS. If something is bothering you, let us know. I don't have a PhD on my wall, but I can listen as well as anyone (at least read MS posts).

I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before

#433179 - 05/01/13 09:05 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia

What happened to you and how it affected you is horrible. You would not be human if it didn't cause dark thoughts from time to time. I really enjoy your posts as Will said they are insightful and deep and always with a dash of humour. I understand your need for isolation but you do not have to isolate yourself from us. You can be 'real' with us and we will understand. Many of us have those black, self hating thoughts - myself included.

Everyone else has given you great advice - I have nothing to add.

Interestingly, yesterday I was talking to my T about how I used being emotionally dead as a coping mechanism. I was giving him my tough guy routine how it helped me in life to make cold and calulating decisions when need be. He thought it was so sad that it meant I missed our on so much joy. frown

Thanks for purging - you help others as well as yourself.

More than meets the eye!

#433183 - 05/01/13 09:48 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
I think the vast majority of us can relate to this.

Be mindful of how often these thoughts come, especially if the frequency and ferocity of the thoughts increases.

#433186 - 05/01/13 09:57 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
when i was slipping into the negative thought zone a while back,
i put my name in to volunteer at the church, helped some elderly people move.
these days, i am a volunteer for the regional election.

getting involved in other peoples problems, helping them solve their issues, always makes me feel better.

i am a fixer, so when i can't fix myself, i accept invitations to fix others.
i used to try fixing where i wasn't welcome, but that backfired.
look for those people that genuinely need help and are asking for it.
assess the risks, then offer your assistance before you jump in.
we have a saying among "first-responders"... don't become the second victim.

disclaimer: if you suffer from trust issues...
please, DO NOT expect anything in return, not even gratitude.
some people you help will even blame and resent and despise you in the end,
if they feel you "did not do enough", or you "did it wrong"... but...
anything good you receive back is bonus, so accept it with open heart.
you earned it. you deserve it.

warning: remember to establish boundaries before you commit.
other people's problems can suck the life out of you, if you are not careful.
you cannot afford to allow a needy person to become indefinitely dependant.
this is not healthy for you or the person you wish to help.
i simply estimate and set reasonable time limits,
then i schedule a specific number of hours per project.
i choose a start time, and (most important) a quitting time.
if the person needs more than you can give,
you must learn when to say no for your own sake.

this system works so well for me, i use it everytime self-destructive thoughts start creeping in.


#433187 - 05/01/13 09:57 PM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: BraveFalcon]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2972
((((Ken))) -

Sometimes for me suicide is the exit I know is always there. I doubt I would ever use it, but sometimes in darker times, it sort of helps for me to know it's there. It exists like an endpoint - that no matter how bad things get, the door is right there, and the bad stuff can't get any worse than just using it. Knowing it's there sometimes gives me the strength to get back in the ring and deal with life. I don't talk lightly about this stuff. My best friend died by his own hand ten years ago this month. To say I learned a lot from that would be an understatement the size of Texas.

I was a bad boy in Mexico a few years ago. Our little afternoon party boat stopped near some huge rock arches outside of Puerto Vallarta (where we stayed for about a week). You could either drink and stay on the boat, or jump in for a swim. Me and my bud heard the warnings to wear our life vests and under no circumstances swim through or even near the arches. So of course we left our vests on the boat, dove in, and raced each other to the arches. Close to the base of the arches, the currents were treacherous. It was like swimming in a washing machine. I suddenly caught a lungful of water and just sank like a rock - fought my way coughing to the surface, started to panic, and tried to grab onto the razor-sharp roughness of the huge rock wall next to me. But it was so sharp and the currents were slamming me into it - I couldn't even think of getting a purchase. I quickly realized how futile my attempts were and I kicked myself away from the arch, exhausted. The boat - and my life preserver - looked impossibly far away on the horizon. I knew I was going to die that day and on some level I started coming to terms with that reality.

But I said, hey, I'm probably gonna die, but I'm going to rest a little bit before I do. And I lay on my back and gently kicked away from the angry waters around the rocks (I was still coughing). And found no reason to stop. I just gently kicked and kicked and kicked. I finally looked up. And there was the boat. Right there. And my buddy, who survived his actual swim through the arch, was there, too, greeting me with a sunglassed smile.

Obviously, I did not die. But the grace of accepting death probably allowed me to live. If I did not accept death, I know I would have drowned, because the opposite of death was not life, it was panic.

So perhaps just knowing we can walk out that door is all we need to know in order NOT to walk through it. Maybe if the opposite of suicide is panic, we just need to relax and gently keep kicking - and let time take care of bringing to us a better reality.

#433200 - 05/02/13 12:12 AM Re: Suicidal Thoughts Creeping In [Re: Chase Eric]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6387
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada

Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
Sometimes for me suicide is the exit I know is always there.

i thought i was the only person who thought like that! i have never told anyone.
i climb mountains and cliffs for fun, and i climb towers and buildings for money.
my associates think i am fearless, but i enjoy vertigo.
i get the continuous pleasure of knowing that i can let go and fall or jump to my death anytime i choose...
i am only one step away. i do not take that step.

i am in control of my fate and my future.
the fact that i continue to cling, tells me that i still want to live.
my jobs and hobbies are considered high-risk activities, and i get danger pay,
but i consider them life-affirming.

is this a survivor symptom?

Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
the grace of accepting death probably allowed me to live.

i, too, drowned while on vacation in thailand in 1988.
i had exactly the same experience as you describe.
it lasted for a very long time, until i somehow washed ashore without even trying.
once i got past the desperation and panic (very unpleasant) i reached a sublime state of acceptance,
which included some loss of consciousness, euphoria, and hallucinations (voices, visions, etc).
i was born again that day, and it may have been THE pivotal moment in my life.
when i crawled out of the water, my old personality was gone forever.

since then...
i savour the sweet taste of every breath,
and i no longer fear death.
every moment i yet live is a gift from god.



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