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#43296 - 11/14/06 01:54 PM WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING CRAZY AGAIN?
learning2remember Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 403
Loc: Europe

Here's the thing...I started dealing with these issues about two and a half years ago. I worked hard and made a lot of progress. I do a pretty good job at work and things are ok at home. Some marriage tensions, but those have eased lately. So the only question is:

It's just so unfair that out of the blue anxiety comes and picks on me again. Once again I feel like I've got my brother's penis in my mouth through much of the day, and yet I am not sure it was ever even there. How crazy is that?

Once again I want nothing more than to know what happened with him and me,
with Mom and me.

Once again I have a pretty strong feeling that nothing happened, that something inside me made it all up for reasons I don't understand.

Once again I can't let it all go like nothing ever happened, and remember a few things way to clearly to pretend that they didn't happened. There was one thing I just never forgot.

A new problem is that whenever I try to focus on these things, I sort of get sleepy. I mean I involuntarily close my eyes and go blank, not even realizing it until for some reason I come around again. This actually happened while I was writing this post.

So, something is up. And I've got no one to talk to. Just not an option, and I don't know when it will be.

BUT, I've done therapy before, and I was good. By the time we stopped, I think my therapist and I both agreed it was the right thing to do. Once before I had gone to therapy, and I remember that when I called to cancel and decided not to go anymore, I was hit with tremendous fear and regret.

The second experience with therapy lasted a while, and I remember driving home from my last session feeling satisfied and free.

Regular therapy is not an option, but I really wish I had someone to talk to on that rare occasion that things get rough. It doesn't happen often, but I understand that it is not unusual even for people who are otherwise doing fine to sometimes have issues again. I wish so badly there were somebody I could call when that happens.

I tried to call a crisis hotline yesterday, but hung up out of guilt cause I am not in a crisis. No threat of harm or injury or anything like that.

I'm just confused, anxious, and lonely.

Take care,

"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

#43297 - 11/14/06 08:39 PM Re: WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING CRAZY AGAIN?
Trevor Offline

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
thers tons of ppl here that u
can talk to. and they dont jus
go away or dissapear like
evryone else either. and they
wont make u feel bad or stupid
or crazy either

My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

#43298 - 11/14/06 09:23 PM Re: WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING CRAZY AGAIN?
Paul1959 Offline

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Please remember that in most places there are mental health resources. Most rape crisis centers are far more than crisis mode as well. When I called, the woman I spoke to could not have been kinder and more understanding. Would you be willing to try to call back and tell her that you were abused as a child and need help dealing with it? I'll bet they put you in contact with someone who can help - and probably for free.
If that doesn't work, as Trevor said, this place is full of guys who listen and support you, as you know. You just have to keep coming here and make use of it. You can do it.

#43299 - 11/15/06 10:54 AM Re: WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING CRAZY AGAIN?
learning2remember Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 403
Loc: Europe
Thanks. I am amazed at how much better I have felt since writing that post. It's like, whatever I am going through, it feels a thousand times worse if I think I 'm alone with it.

I'm cool now

"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

#43300 - 11/15/06 11:24 PM Re: WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING CRAZY AGAIN?
scooter Offline

Registered: 05/23/05
Posts: 76
Hey there. You don't sound crazy to me, I could have written your post myself. But then again, I often wonder if I'm crazy \:\)

I finally have some awareness of my cycles when I'm triggered and am trying to accept that things will trigger me. That at times memories will be just that - memories; and then at other times when I get triggered they bombard me like it's happening over and over again.

But I am finding comfort in that there are longer periods between being thrown and it takes larger issues to throw me in the first place.

I keep hoping that full recovery is possible - if you have a journal read back and see how far you've come. It often seems to come in small steps that are hard to discern in the short run, but when looking back over it all there is progress when on the journey.

Take care of and be good to yourself.


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