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#432546 - 04/26/13 09:10 PM Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
I posted the beginning of my story in Introductions under Hi Everyone.

I really need help and support right now. I just found out my husband is in an active affair (at the very least emotional but more than likely physical). He is a police LT. and it is with one of his officers on his shift. He could lose his job! I've been having my suspicions about her but never thought he would jeopardize his job and his kids financial well being. I'm devastated and part of me wants to go to the Chief. He would most definitely get fired or demoted. But I wonder if this is what he needs to get help.

Her husband sent me photos of cards my husband had given her back at Christmas and Valentines. One calling her babe and the other say "love you". He says they were just jokes. He says they have an interest in each other but know nothing can happen because he's her supervisor. But they supposedly went to the chief together to confess their interest in each other but let him know nothing had happened. But they would like to be put on separate shifts so when they get divorced they can explore their feelings.

What do I do??? Do I file for divorce immediately or do I wait? I'm so lost and scared and alone.

Please help.

#432558 - 04/26/13 10:42 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
Here is my intro post on Introductions

I'm allalone and I'm married to a survivor. We have recently separated at his request with the intent of him getting help for both the CSA and for multiple affairs throughout our 15 year marriage. I'm trying to understand so I'm reading as much as I can.

Any insight and support I receive is greatly appreciated. Where we live I have no family near and we pretty much isolated ourselves from friends for the past few years and this also obviously not something I can talk about with others.

I miss my husband.

2nd post

Thank you for responding SamV and Lee. I'm having a difficult time with how I should act around him. He thinks he won't get help until he loses me. He has been gone 2 weeks and he has yet to call a counselor. I know he's afraid and I'm trying to be patient but I'm afraid if I give him to much of myself he won't get help.

Thank you for saying I'm strong. I'm being told by many people that I'm obviously codependent or why would I be willing to take this man back after he has cheated on me so many times. I thought loving your spouse for better or for worse is what you're supposed to do when you're married.

How can I turn my back on someone that I love, especially when I know what he's been through and how it has affected him.

Edited by allalone (04/26/13 10:43 PM)

#432559 - 04/26/13 10:44 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
3rd post from Introductions

I've started to write something and then erased several times already... I feel like I just need to talk through some stuff and don't know where to start.

My husband waffled back and forth until late March on whether he should move out. Once he actually committed to an apartment he spent the next week breaking down every day crying and saying he wished he could take everything back, he wished he had never done all those things, etc. He said he didn't want to move out, he's forcing himself because he needs to be punished and needs to suffer. It's hard for him to be around me without feeling overwhelmed by guilt. He also says he doesn't think he will be motivated to get help until he loses me. He finally did tell me the day before he moved out that he knows he does love me.

He has just now been gone two weeks and the first week he saw the kids and I almost every day. And we had contact through texts quite a bit. This past week the contact has been less and I have shown a much stronger demeanor.

He asked me to remind him why he moved out periodically. Which is to get help and have space to think. I have asked him once each week if he has called the counselor and the first week he had but he waited late in the day and didn't have time to do the screening. To my knowledge he has never called back. The first week he was gone, he texted me saying he wanted to have sex. I told him that we would not be having sex until he started going to counseling. He didn't even acknowledge the text. When he saw me the next day he tried some little innuendos and I politely reminded him of my boundary.

The second time I asked him if he had called the counselor and he said no, I ended the conversation and have now been detaching more. He has noticed and he's been close to breaking down a few times. He came to the house last night to spend time with the kids (I was working late) and my daughter said he looked like he was going to cry when he saw that I had taken all but one of our pictures down. He actually snooped through my closet to see where I had put them. He then started grilling her about me. "Is mom doing ok?" "Is she sad?" As I was leaving work, I passed him driving by my work to check and see if that's where I really was (I assume).

I'm having a really hard time when I see or hear about him struggling or hurting. I want to comfort him and tell him I still love him and that I'm here silently supporting him but at the same time I have to start moving on because he's making no move to get help. I understand he's scared and it may take time, I have no plans to file for divorce or date, but I do need to be strong for my kids.
I think it's scaring him because we separated for 10 months back in 2005/2006 and I was a clingy mess. I am no where near the person I was back then. I get sad but it's not consuming me. I do miss him but it's not running my life.

This is so hard. I just want to hug my husband and tell him I love him.

#432562 - 04/26/13 10:54 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
I have so many emotions going on right now I don't even know what to do. I can't relax and I'm so angry at him but miss him so much at the same time.

I know that I'm not going to go to the chief anytime soon if ever. But it's something I'm keeping in the back of my mind if needed.

I just feel even more betrayed by this one than any other. He was so remorseful about what he'd done and wished that he could take it all back or start over. And here he was still doing it. I feel so stupid for believing him. And still wanting to believe that if he gets help he can change.

I'm trying to ignore his attempts at communication but I just gave in and sent him a reply because he was supposed to go with us to our daughters vball tournament this weekend and I told him last night I didn't want him to go. He was adamant that he was going, he wouldn't miss his daughters tournament no matter how I felt. This morning the other womans husband talked to her and she told him that my H was not going to the tournament with us. He texted me this afternoon asking if I had changed my mind about him going. I ignored it. then he texted me a few minutes later saying he guess that means he's going. Then an hour later he texts me that he guesses he will stay home.

I couldn't hold it in any longer. I texted him "isn't that what you already told your girlfriend anyway? Better to let your daughter down then her. Right". He hasn't texted back since.

I know I should've just kept ignoring but I'm so angry and sad and disgusted and every other negative emotion you can possibly feel.

I don't know what to do or how to act.

#432654 - 04/27/13 09:36 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
Shyshark Offline

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 970
Loc: Canada
Hi allalone ... I haven't forgotten you ...
it's just too painful to read and write.
Experience is a brutal teacher.

#432668 - 04/28/13 01:04 AM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Hi Allalone. Unfortunately, you are not allalone, it's a big club, just not the kind of one we want to be in.

You are playing a game with him right now. One you will regret having played later when you start to feel stronger and more sure of your boundaries.

Surviving Infidelity is a support website and the members there often talk of something called a 180. Reading your posts made me think of it. I recommend that you read a little about it.

While cheating or acting out or numbing are part of life with some survivors, extending your torture is not.

Here's the link. Take a look and take care of you.

#432804 - 04/29/13 04:17 AM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
So I screwed up royally or so that's what he's telling me. When I found out he was cheating I talked to the husband of the other woman. I got info that I needed but we each vented about our spouses as well.

Now my husband is saying I have betrayed him and made him too angry. He is done. We are never getting back together because of what I've done. I said that I have been a good wife and tried everything to save our marriage. He started crying and said that I hadn't. That I should have stopped him or helped him since I suspected he was doing something for a few months now. I told him that I had been suspicious of this woman but since she is one of his officers and his job would be at risk I pushed my suspicions aside. Because the one thing I thought I knew about him was that he would never risk his job.

He told me he never thought I would sink so low as to talk to a stranger about him and our life. He never thought I would be so vindictive. I told him that I was sorry and that I was so angry that night. That he can't even imagine what it feels like to see notes your spouse has written to someone else calling them the same pet name they call you and telling another person they love them.

I'm so angry that he is now going to use my one mistake as his justification to continue his affair and to not get help. He keeps reverting back to blaming all his infidelities on our marriage.

At the same time I'm scared that he really is done.

I was doing the 180 up until I just found out about this affair on Thursday. It was getting to him but he is now using it as justification as well. "See you are happy, you're just fine with out me."

It's weird. Earlier today he was texting me off and on about different things and even asked me if I wanted him to start a load of laundry since my daughter and I were getting home late from the volleyball tournament. Then when I got home I didn't say hi to him right away and then the all the above took place.

Have I really screwed things up for good?

#432843 - 04/29/13 02:56 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:08 AM)

#432861 - 04/29/13 05:05 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
I am in counseling and she is helping me work on myself, but this new information from Thursday has just knocked me for a loop on several different levels. That he is still lying to me, still cheating, and risking his job and our financial well being.

I know he's turning it all on me to justify his actions but it hurts so much. It's also his way of controlling me. His life is spiraling out of control right now and he's not used to me actually getting and remaining angry. I get angry but usually get over it quickly. I have taken down all of our pictures, stopped wearing my wedding rings, etc. All since I found out he's in an active affair. He knows he's losing me and he knows his jobs at risk but he doesn't want to let go of her either. So I'm the target to take all of his anger and fear out on. Usually it makes me cower down and beg him to forgive me and settle for any crumb he will give me.

Even though it hurts me I'm not being the same person I was the last time we went through this. Willing to settle for whatever. This affair is my final breaking point. I'm still not ready to file for divorce but I'm not going to settle for crumbs anymore. I love him and still want this to work out but I just can't take the day to day up and down anymore.

#432866 - 04/29/13 05:43 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
I guess what I'm wanting to find out from those of you that have been through this is: Is he spiraling. Does he think his world is falling apart right now so he's taking it out on me? Could he be close to hitting bottom?

What should I be doing in the meantime. I'm trying to work on myself and get a life, build new friendships, focus on my kids, etc. But when he contacts me as if nothing has happened what do I do? Do I make idle chit chat, do I respond "good morning". Do I give him any of myself right now?

When we went through this before I did the Marriage Builders program of plan A and plan B. So I'm in this dilemma of cutting off all contact so he can stop using me to justify his behavior and fully focus on his affair and letting it fall apart b/c they no longer have me to use as fuel for their affair. Or being understanding b/c of his CSA and possible s. addiction and still having some friendly contact with him.

He tells me that he knows I don't love him because I have shown him that these past few days by talking to her husband. I'm in such turmoil about what I'm supposed to be doing.

#432898 - 04/29/13 10:03 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
Have you outed him per MB's suggestions and demanded HE cut off contact with her while giving you transparency? if I remember correctly, there are a few MS folks over at the MB forums. Perhaps they can add to this discussion.

I know that for me, there's a line between the levels of acting out which I'll tolerate. Placing my health in jeopardy with affairs isn't one of them, and I would be NC except for kid/financially related stuff until he (a)stopped blaming me and (b)sought counseling for a minimum of 4 months. But...that's just me.

You know you're not at fault and he's in the fog. You did not betray him, and if it is acting out on his part, and if he's aware of how his CSA/SA factors in, then I would think keeping yourself emotionally and physically safe by refusing to see him except under therapeutic conditions right now would be acceptable. Again, that's just me, and often what I want to do and what I say are painful for survivors to read. But he's expressing no remorse or desire to change, which is far different from where so many of the survivors here are. Bodyguard pointed that out so well: you are worth more than the crumbs and blame he's giving you right now. Letting him fall down and hit bottom may be what it takes, but be prepared: few things take place on the time line we spouses want them to.

I do know taking care of ourselves must come first. I struggle with it (and really am right now actually.) If he refuses counseling, blames you and maintains his denial, you might just have your answers from him. Keep doing what you need to do for you to be peaceful and happy.

#432960 - 04/30/13 03:15 AM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
Thank you Airmid. I actually am familiar with MB but can't do complete exposure because he may lose his job over this affair. Then the kids and I would be financially devastated and we would lose everything.

He does say he knows he needs and wants help but he's not ready to get it. This is in between the blaming me and our marriage. He's definitely in the fog and people are starting to notice at work as well. The rumors are starting at work and it's a matter of time before he's investigated for an affair with a subordinate. I'm praying it doesn't come to that because again that's actually hurting the kids and I more.

I'm trying to get my ducks in a row, put the house up for sale, etc. So if he does lose his job the impact won't be as big. Still big but not as big.

I'm trying to learn to take care of myself, after 16 years of taking care of him and kids it's really hard to focus on myself. I'm also a fixer and it's killing me that I can't "fix" him. He hasn't contacted me today so I actually feel more balanced and not so frantic.

I do plan to limit contact with him but am not sure how to approach it because everything sets him off right now. Anything I do or say gives him justification in his eyes.

Thank you all for reading and taking the time to respond. I don't post on MB anymore because they don't seem to be too helpful to spouses of serial cheaters, even if the person had CSA.

#433017 - 04/30/13 03:03 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
When my H was acting like an idiot I had to come to a place where I stopped worrying about HIM and I started worrying about ME.

If I was you....and I am not....I would start looking at what I want. Not what he is doing but WHAT I WANT from life.....and don't start answering that to yourself with "I want him...." no, go deeper.

You get one shot at life just like everyone else.

#433078 - 04/30/13 10:24 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: sugarbaby]
Airmid Offline

Registered: 12/02/11
Posts: 95
Loc: South
^^This^^, yes.

And I completely understand their resistance to delve into underlying root causes and issues; that's why I left MB too. The line is "get help for the other issues first", which sounds great on the surface, but does little to help with immediacy.

I'm glad you're planning longer-range, and hope that's not necessary to do. Don't forget to keep being good to yourself!

#433090 - 05/01/13 12:23 AM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
I'm having a really hard time right now. He hasn't contacted me in 2 days which is the longest I've ever gone without contact from him in 17 years. Withdrawal is almost unbearable right now. I miss him so much. My H not this person he's become.

I'm trying to work on myself, but not thinking about him and wondering what he's doing, feeling or thinking is so hard. How do you stop thinking about someone you've been with for so long.

I'm going to counseling and I'm trying to cultivate new friendships and strengthen old ones but it still doesn't take away that I just plain miss him.

And wonder if he misses me too...

#433134 - 05/01/13 12:26 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Im so sorry that you are experiencing such pain, it is difficult for you, I can imagine after a 21 year marriage I was in fell apart.
I am a survivor, and I read this with tears in my eyes that another family is falling apart.

You are unfortunately hoping for a man that has learnt over many many years not to feel emotions, to suddenly feel.
As a Survivor, I could have walked away from a 20 year marriage and easily left my daughter behind and thought nothing off it. As a healed semi normal person, I could never contemplate this.

Your H has not had any healing, has not dealt with his past and you are asking him to feel?
As for the lady that he is courting, does she think that he wont do this to her?
I am sorry to say this, but you are dying inside and he is doing what I did, Ignore it and it will go away.
If he does not go into healing, then I would consider moving on, hard to do I know but something that you might have to seriously contemplate.

Until he faces his past, don't expect anything.
Perhaps you should consider bringing the bottom up, ruining his world, but remember that this too could backfire, and that would completely destroy any chance of reconciliation.

I hope this gives you some insight, I know that it doesn't help you much, but you need to start caring for you and the kids now.

My prayers are with you
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#433271 - 05/02/13 01:52 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
H finally did reach out to me yesterday after 2 days of no contact. Our daughters birthday is today so we are going to dinner tonight. I'm very nervous and not quite sure how to act. He sees me detaching as me not loving him.

But me showing him more attention than I should right now while he's in an active affair is not good either because he's getting the best of both worlds.

I'm so torn. I'm also afraid he's going to file for divorce since she's receiving her divorce papers today from her husband.

I know I need to focus on myself and try not to worry about what he's doing with her but it's so hard. How do you do that. My mind is consumed with him and her.

I'm still in shock that he seemed so ready to get help and he was still lying the whole time and was already in another affair.

I really was doing so good at detaching and living my life, not worrying about what he was doing. But this new information from a week ago has really thrown me for a loop. I can't seem to stop thinking about them together.

#433447 - 05/04/13 03:30 AM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
H texted me this morning and said he had finally contacted his Employee Assistance Program to get an appointment with a therapist. I'm so proud of him for taking that first step. I know the fear is so big and this is a huge deal for him.

I'm not sure what's going on with the current OW, I'm trying to detach and not worry about it. It's still hard though.

I miss him so much.

#433632 - 05/05/13 09:44 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
H was texting me Friday night and my daughter and I were actually driving by his apt. on the way to pick up my son so he asked us to stop by so he could say hi to our daughter. I did and he looked so sad and lonely.

He asked me if he wanted to see the new apartment he is moving to because the other one just felt too small. It was so hard to go through this apartment with him and have him telling me where he's going to put this and that and how he has been forgetting things for work because they are spread out all over his apartment. It just made me so sad.

When we were leaving he told me that he would like to talk to my mom while she is here (she just flew in Friday morning) so that he could apologize for hurting me and letting my family down. He started to cry and then walked away. He texted me that he was sorry and that he did want to talk to my mom at some point.

Yesterday he came to the house and to pick up our son and he did talk to my mom. Told her he was sorry for hurting me and letting them down, etc. Also told her that he loves me but this is something he has to do on his own. He knows the problem is him and he can't work on himself while living at home.

He gave me several hugs and I was not having a good day so he saw me crying. He then told me that this is why we just shouldn't spend time together. It hurts me too much. Then he told me that he's still upset with me for talking to the OW's husband about him. And he sees it as a betrayal on the same level as his betrayals to me. I kept my mouth shut and didn't engage. Yeah I'm learning!!

Then last night we had a banquet for my daughter so were both there. I thought it was fine and it wasn't weird for me at all. We sat with each other, etc. He overheard me making plans to go out next weekend and tried to act encouraging about how I should go out.

He was supposed to go to church with us today but he texted me that he wasn't going to go after all. He felt like yesterday was hard and confusing for both of us.
Said we would try to go next week for Mother's Day.

I know I'm supposed to try to focus on myself but all I can think about is that he is probably with her. It's so hard to believe anything he says now.

And I'm still torn, do I spend time with him or do I cut him off on the family time until I know he is without a doubt no longer seeing her?

I am trying to focus on myself, I am making friends and making plans to go do things. But it's really hard not to think about someone one and what they are doing when you've been with them for so long.

#433637 - 05/05/13 10:56 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Wow allalone

I wish I had some magic answer for you. This is such a awkward position. I don't feel qualified to offer advice here. But I really feel for you both.

Some observations....

I think he is blaming you for talking to the other husband because he is stuck in a victim mind set. It is so easy to focus on how others have hurt us rather than how we have hurt others. It took strength for you to not react and yes that would not have gone well.

While I can understand his confusion ... being torn between what he thinks he wants and what he actually wants. For your relationship to continue he really has to decide to stop this affair. I think there is a difference between acting out with random people purely on a sexual level and having a 'relationship' with another person. To me that is a greater level of betrayal.

You have drawn a line in the sand ... the rest is up to him.

More than meets the eye!

#434524 - 05/13/13 01:24 AM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
allalone Offline

Registered: 04/20/13
Posts: 20
So H has his first counseling appt. this Wednesday. I have a feeling he isn't going to be honest about his current affair.

We went to church this morning all together. His parents were in town so I saw him quite a bit this weekend. The church message was great and really had something meaningful to say about marriage, however I'm fairly certain he has twisted it to fit his current thoughts/actions.

When his parents got to my house yesterday they walked in and immediately hugged me and started crying. He turned his back and had tears streaming down his face.

Today he's acting all detached.

He sent me text saying he knew how hard this weekend was for me and that he wanted to thank me for allowing the kids to see his parents. I told him he was welcome and that I was happy I got to see his parents as well. He then sent me one saying that he would try never to do that to me again, it was an unforeseen situation and he was grateful. I didn't reply so he then sent me one that said I respect you highly as a friend.... this is why I tell you.... I have my first counseling appt. this week.

I'm so devastated that he may have his mind made up that he doesn't love me as a wife. I know it's because of the current affair but it still hurts. I'm hoping the counseling can get through to him, I just don't see how when he's still in this "relationship affair".

#434551 - 05/13/13 12:33 PM Re: Feel like I got hit by a Mac Truck [Re: allalone]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
allalone- I am a survivor of sexual assault and I do care. I am going to agree with what farmer boy said about the ongoing affair. It might be easier if it had been just random acts, but add the element of emotion... well, its hard. My spouse also had an emotional affair. I was devastated.

From what I read, I see that your H is looking for someone to blame for his misconduct, his acting out. Don't accept that. It isn't your fault that others were brought into your marriage, into your family. Don't accept his anger, or his loneliness, or his shame, or his guilt, or his grief. He made it happen. It belongs to him and he needs it. He needs to heal from whatever is hurting him.

Accept your loneliness, and your anger, and your grief. The two are different. Focus on you. ...and btw... from where I stand as an observer of what you have shared... I also would want to know the story behind any actions my significant other played out with another in an affair. You had and do have the right to investigate. It just makes you stronger, more focused, and more aware. You do what is necessary to deal and to heal.

I am so sorry you have been given this to deal with and I felt your pain as you wrote what was taking place. Good luck to you. (((((allalone))))).
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

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