In a bit and a half, I am headed out to the T session. Last week things came up like how not such a nice guy my dad really was, how each drank too much, was mean, mean, mean....and the T pointed out how that lack of attention and affection helped lead me into life's abuses.
From the depths of somewhere I shared about the half- brother just a few years younger than me. T sessions has been leaving me feeling odd. I am truly pulling up shyt from the depths I had buried so long ago. Hadn't forgotten, I just choose not to think about them. So because of this, I am filled with dread a couple hours before I go.
I wonder if wanting that attention and affection she mentioned made me somewhat responsible for the abuses. Just a thought that crosses through since she said that an emotionally, physically absent father was a factor.
Ahhh, nope. Not going there. I have the answer. Children of four do not know enough to seek sexual attention and affection. I am self-talking today.
Things come up that I have buried so deep for fear of feeling them, that it is beginning to give me a bit of anxiety before each appt. By the time I sat down in the office last week, my hands were shaking. Me. Nothing is supposed to rattle me- well, not in a public setting anyway. I suppose everyone has these feelings as they progress in therapy, but I don't want to be afraid of the ghosts that come forth. And I am.
Oh, well. If I wanted the status quo of my life to continue, I would have not sought help. And I did. Here's a pat on the back, Big Me, and a box of tissues. Now go on to the T session. I am in a self-talk mode, but any suggestion you might have to calm the anxiety and fears of the T session would be welcomed. Laters.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.