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#432240 - 04/24/13 04:52 AM ...
Dave PNW Offline

Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 129
Loc: Pacific Northwest

Edited by dw1972+ (05/30/13 09:58 PM)

#432245 - 04/24/13 05:38 AM " [Re: Dave PNW]
lbcali1978 Offline

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217

Edited by lbcali1978 (04/28/13 12:19 AM)
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it


#432246 - 04/24/13 05:50 AM Re: How Do I Learn To Forgive Myself? [Re: Dave PNW]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 397
Loc: Midwest
For CSA survivors, it's easy to recognize what others need to do to forgive themselves and proceed with healing. To take the same advice ourselves is one of the hardest aspects of healing. Part of the forgiving process is to say it enough that you start to believe that you are not responsible for what happened to you. YOu were too young to fully understand your actions, and to consent. Even though you may have found pleasure in the act, and you enjoyed the closeness with another person, and may have even sought it out, doesn't mean you were responsible for what happened. You were not intellectually developed enough to understand what was happening and you weren't emotionally mature enough to understand the meaning of this, your motives or the consequences. In no way are you responsible. You were at the mercy of these evil individuals. I have read your story. If the perp were much older than you, you woudn't be confused. Because he was near your age, it makes it tougher to see it as abuse, even though it was.

To forgive yourself, you must start by saying that you do not deserve any more pain. You have suffered enough. It's time to stop beating yourself up over what you did to survive. Again, you must tell yourself you deserve to be happy. That will help forgive yourself. YOu must also look at it as you did nothing wrong. Guilt comes from knowing you deliberately did wrong, and you didn't. You no longer need to feel the need to be punished. There is nothing to punish.

If you start with these beliefs, and tell yourself this enough, and act like you believe it, you will begin to change your thinking. Then you will see how forgiving yourself is happening. Good luck to you


#432268 - 04/24/13 02:38 PM Re: How Do I Learn To Forgive Myself? [Re: Dave PNW]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: dw1972+
I still want to hold my 12 year old self responsible in some way for the abuse. I still sometimes think that I deserved this, that I was somehow responsible.

When I started out on this ride through hell called recovery, I could not accept the idea that it wasn't my fault. I had to hear it about 500 times before I could buy it. I still repeat it daily. "It wasn't your fault, it wasn't your fault...". Worked for me.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#432272 - 04/24/13 03:28 PM Re: How Do I Learn To Forgive Myself? [Re: Dave PNW]
jfy Offline

Registered: 04/16/13
Posts: 15
If you're the praying type, that's what's got me through a bunch of stuff. I mean a lot of it. If you're not the praying type, well, what have you got to lose? smile

#432276 - 04/24/13 04:00 PM Re: How Do I Learn To Forgive Myself? [Re: Dave PNW]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 754
Loc: VA
One thing we all naturally tend to do is to think how we'd react to sexual abuse NOW, and then we fault ourselves for not reacting like that when we were 12 or 8 or 6. Whatever we know now, we knew even less back then. We had less experience and less physical strength, and we were naturally more emotionally and physically dependent on others.

Maybe thinking of it this way will help. Peace!


#432278 - 04/24/13 05:15 PM Re: How Do I Learn To Forgive Myself? [Re: Dave PNW]
Country Offline

Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 654
Loc: Alabama
For me it was knowing that forgiveness isn't a feeling but a choice. Make the choice and the feelings will follow. Best of luck bro.
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

#432282 - 04/24/13 05:48 PM Re: How Do I Learn To Forgive Myself? [Re: Dave PNW]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
If it helps to hear another voice repeat it, dw, kids simply don't come equipped with adult perspective. They're busy being kids. Your brain's already got it. Eventually it will sink in. And I congratulate you on sharing all this.

Here's a tool that's helped me connect with Little Lancer's frame of mind (my absolute fave):

Some of us have found it easier to connect with our little selves by remembering a favorite toy or stuffed animal. Threads like that, complete with pix, come up here from time to time and it's...well...joyful. In my case, I've sometimes actively sought them out on eBay just to have something tangible. Here's one:

I'm not trying to whitewash. And I have times when, looking at those reminders of innocence, I'm raging mad at the bastard - my high school guidance counselor - who stole it. But, in some sense, I may be one of the lucky ones because I actually have those reminders, some of them tangible. Not all of us do.


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