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#431889 - 04/21/13 01:05 AM Where did it go?
Agate Offline

Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
My sex drive has been destroyed. I went from masterbation once or twice a day to nothing. Having sex with wife from daily to nothing. I was used to having a daily battle to remain mongamous in my marriage (with limited success ), now nothing.

I'm dead down there. Not even morning wood. The only time I manage an erection is when I flashback. And that erection is not wanted.

Wife is upset

I am upset

I thought I was admitting the truth of my childhood to get better. Seems to me that when I lied and kept it all hidden in the box I could be mostly happy.

Not anymore. I just know sadness and feel empty. I can't even stand being touched.

Bad day here

Thinking of canceling Mondays thearpy appt. I just don't want to talk.


#431892 - 04/21/13 01:22 AM Re: Where did it go? [Re: Agate]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Dont cancel.

You don't want to talk, but you just stated well enough how you are right now. Sounds distressing, especially since you may feel that you're responsible for getting your wife upset as well as being upset yourself.

Right now you sound like your in a state of 'reliving' in a sense, how you're acting now sounds quite similiar to how you may have acted during and after the incident.

You are coping and you are doing well. Continue to do so brother.

#431893 - 04/21/13 01:40 AM Re: Where did it go? [Re: Agate]
Agate Offline

Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks for your kind words

Control. I've lost it.

I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of being happy I cried, cause at least it's not empty

What I need is a good punk rock show mosh pit.
I loved those when I was a teen.

Sweaty pain
Boots and elbows
Screams of anger

House lights up
Hugs and handshakes
See y'all at the next show

Do it over again
Feel something


#431897 - 04/21/13 02:17 AM Re: Where did it go? [Re: Agate]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Agate
I thought I was admitting the truth of my childhood to get better. Seems to me that when I lied and kept it all hidden in the box I could be mostly happy.

I know exactly what you mean. Early in recovery I thought wtf good is this? At least when I was covering it up with sex, drugs and alcohol, I felt good, and I seemed to be successful. With disclosure came all the feelings I had never allowed myself to feel. Forty-two years of horrible feelings to deal with 24/7.

I can only tell you that it does get better, but like the song says "you've got to go through hell before you get to heaven" (The Steve Miller Band). Feel it all brother, its the only way out.


PS: Loss of libido is comon with depression. Don't worry, the south shall rise again.

#431918 - 04/21/13 06:38 AM Re: Where did it go? [Re: Agate]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4285
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Agate -

from my experience - the pendulum will continue to swing - and eventually stabilize in a comfortable rhythm - if you continue to work at it. you gotta put some energy into it to maintain the forward progress.

before therapy - but while memories of CSA were returning - i started out being dysfunctional - very repressed - unable to get over my fears and sekually initiate or respond. low to average level of libido. no ED - just not able to do it with my wife. couldn't stand to be touched or be physically or emotionally exposed to anyone. next - at the beginning of therapy - i swung to the hyper-sekual extreme. as the memories took over and monopolized my life - i couldn't get enough - but also couldn't reveal that to my wife - so spent lots of time on-line and way too much MB - several times a day. and - yeah - lots of unwelcome re-living of the CSA events and circumstances with the confusion of arousal and furious attempts to either reject or indulge it. now - just over 1 1/2 years into therapy - and working really hard at it - we have re-established physical intimacy and discovered an emotional intimacy that we never had before. we are on a more normal rhythm and frequency of mutually satisfying s#x.

there's hope, man. you don't have to get stuck there. keep going!
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#431933 - 04/21/13 02:07 PM Re: Where did it go? [Re: Agate]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL
Hi Agate. I would say that your sex drive probably hasn't gone anywhere. In a way, it may have just kind of gone into hiding while your mind gets used to confronting the sexual damage that was done to you. Probably an unwitting, subconscious self-defense mechanism. Be patient. Know that this will pass. Keep working with the T. Ask your wife to be patient with you while you sort this out and let her know that you love her and care about her needs but that right now you need to feel safe and heal a little before things can return to normalcy or at least semi-normalcy. I think your sex drive will return eventually on it's own. If not, there's always drugs you could look into, (Viagra and the like.)

Originally Posted By: Agate

What I need is a good punk rock show mosh pit.
I loved those when I was a teen.

Punk rock is awesome. Do you like NOFX? I was just listening to them last night. Peace,


#431962 - 04/21/13 07:46 PM Re: Where did it go? [Re: Agate]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia

I was EXACTLY where you are a few months ago. It is absolutely devastating. That was such a huge part of who I was that I felt like my life was over. I went from being told I was sex addict and MBing at least twice a day to feeling completely dead below the waste. For a few weeks it felt like I was being attacked by abusers all over again. It felt like they had broken me and now that was the only way my body would respond. Man I shed some major tears about that.

But it did come back. Slowly and propably in a healthier way than before. My wife and I feel more connected than we have in years. All I can say is keep working on stuff. Keep talking to your wife. And there is no shame in using pharmaceuticals to get through it. What I did in the end was to stop using them and take the pressure off. Leave things open ended and just be together intimately and not expect anything to happen. It worked. It is a bit like rewiring the brain....

I know it is hard but try not to stress too much about it. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it more. I know it is hard to talk about publicly.

More than meets the eye!

#431972 - 04/21/13 09:54 PM Re: Where did it go? [Re: Agate]
Agate Offline

Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks so much for the replys, it means so much to me to get reminders that I am far from the first man trying to rebuild his psyche. After so many years of convincing myself that my issues and my coping was unique and I was beyond help. I see over and over now that I am in fact within the range of "normal".

It's not like I have any experience talking about such things, much less sharing with male friends.

I would have no problems sharing with female friends, but that sort of emotional intimacy only leads to me destroying relationships. Both mine and hers. So I am avoiding my natural tendencies to be that guy.


#431976 - 04/21/13 10:03 PM Re: Where did it go? [Re: Agate]
jfy Offline

Registered: 04/16/13
Posts: 15
I went through something similar when going through a divorce from a disastrous, toxic short lived rebound marriage. It lasted 5-6 months, but i was single, really into recovery, it was a good thing. When 9 months post divorce, i met my current GF and it started waking up.

Point is, use this as a time to work on yourself, not be distracted with sex, in good time, when it's supposed to happen, it'll happen.

that's my experience

#432027 - 04/22/13 05:28 AM Re: Where did it go? [Re: Agate]
Randy65 Offline

Registered: 04/14/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Alabama
Hi Agate,
Sex is something that I am just now starting to venture in and it's been a year or counseling. I am all messed up in the head and sex is one of the last things right now that I am worried about. To many steps to healing and dealing with all this to let my confusion about sex and intimacy set me back. I am scared of sex right now and know it would set me back. For me it will come in due time. I crave sex but it also triggers some traumatic experiences. Please keep up with therapy. It has helped me.
Stay strong my friend,
My Story of CSA

My Story of CSA: The Day God Entered My Heart

My Story of CSA: "Flashbacks" (Trigger Caution)


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