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#431847 - 04/20/13 02:28 PM Are you tired?
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
I am.

I get bored easily, my attention moves from one thing to another, constantly seeking distraction or drama. If things going well at work, I'll probably orcanstrate an event that leads to some drama or some discussion. I'll screw with people, in a very covert way masked in concern and politeness. I'll get in your head, twist up your thoughts and introduce concepts and ideas that didn't cross your mind before. I convince myself I'm helping these people, helping them realise the world is not a great place. Revealing the hidden agendas in media and goverment, I often research the wild side of the stories, unveiling conspiracys and putting all my energy into it. This is one reason I'm tired, it's not easy keeping this up and the most fucked up thing is I don't even think I'm in control when I'm doing it. At all.

I'll come home, I'll find some means to get intoxicated, but to a reasonable level that is generally sustained. I'll play games, don't really eat; I care not too - I've decided to change my body and have been for the last few months. I'll do this till the early hours of the morning, only to give myself 4 to 5 hours of sleep as I have to be up promptly for work. This makes me tired.

I'm tired of these cycles I don't wish to break, it's not that I can't. I don't want too.

So, are you tired?

#431863 - 04/20/13 06:01 PM Re: Are you tired? [Re: Poorsoft]
genedebs Offline

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 348
Loc: MO
Dear Poor,

I do not believe you do not want to break your compulsive cycle. It is what you have and gives you the hope that your understanding of the hidden agendas gives you a sense of control. In addition, "I'll get in your head, twist up your thoughts..." reinforces the idea that this gives you control because it gives you power ovber the others.

If you found another method of finding control, another source of drama, and a source of relative power, you would be happy to give up being so tired. You also are doing long term damage to yourself with only 4 - 5 hours of sleep a night.

Consider that you may be able to offer alternative concepts and ideas to your fellows without the drama or the twists. These may offer you the same sense of control with much less research. Also, the drama (excitement) you need can come from the joint exploration of the reaction to ideas that haven't crossed out minds before.

This may offer you the control you desire over your fellows by leading them in their exploration of different ways of looking at things.

What I found for myself (with lots of therapy) is that I created ways of looking AT THE WORLD, that it is hostile and inhabited by peers who I identify with who are disempowered. I achieved this reality through psychotic delusions maintained by cherry picking the examples of the disempowered. It also provided a method to hold my self in the fear and terror of my childhood physical and sexual abuses.

We all have different stories but we all are just the same

#431865 - 04/20/13 06:17 PM Re: Are you tired? [Re: Poorsoft]
Poorsoft Offline

Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Mmmm, interesting way to look at things. And you really did analyse that quite well I must say.

If I actively think about seeking control, I sort of disgust myself for wanting to do so, in just about any situation. It's impossible to win with me sometimes.

#431868 - 04/20/13 07:53 PM " [Re: Poorsoft]
lbcali1978 Offline

Registered: 02/16/12
Posts: 217

Edited by lbcali1978 (04/29/13 04:35 AM)
They said

Come home

I said

I'm confused and alone

They said

We understand

I found out they don't

I'll walk the path exactly how I've always done it



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