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#431789 - 04/19/13 10:12 PM Pathetic and hopeless
Magellan Offline

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1595
Loc: California
It doesn't matter what I do, I'm still stuck in reverse.

I knew when I was 11 that I needed to learn how to make friends, and bought my first book ever "How to Win Friends and Influence people".

Flash forward 30 years.

I'm still asking the same pathetic and retarded question - how do I make friends?

I have no clue. I don't have anyone that I connect with. Family members have drifted away now that I"ve gotten older and now I literally have NO ONE IN MY LIFE. ***NO ONE***.

I'm all alone on this frightening planet.

I envy anyone who has had a relationship. I envy anyone who has a friend they get along with. I envy anyone who has family members that genuinely know them and care for them.


My life has been a stupid pathetic retarded struggle all my life. I should have never been born. A retarded guy raped a disabled & frightened girl and that's why I'm here. I inherited his genes, and her genes, and was born with multiple disabilities.

I've been struggling all my fucking life. I've been working all my fucking life. I've fought all my fucking life. I've literally taken every fucking suggestion that people have thrown at me to make my life worth living.

Do what I love (it's my career)
Get a pet
Get into 12 step
Stop drinking
Stop smoking
Get on medication
Seek spirituality

I've been doing all of this.

I'M STILL LONELY, and now I'm lonelier than I've ever been in my life. I CAN'T FUCKING MAKE ANY FRIENDS!! Much less have a snowball's chance in HELL of ever falling in love or experiencing what "romance" is. I've NEVER COME CLOSE.

This whole lifetime of effort is stupid, pathetic and retarded. It hurts, it's done nothing but hurt, and it still fucking hurts.

After all these 30 fucking years of hard grueling work, I come to find out that I'm still angry about being born with multiple disabilities, and as a result of this anger that I've tried to let go of all my life, now I'm an ugly human being. No wonder why I can't make friends, and no wonder why no one has ever loved me. I'M UGLY!!

What a fucked up rude awakening to have after doing all this work to try and make myself a better person to overcome OTHER people's fucked up choices. I get to wake up to the fact that I'm UGLY. I'm an angry cripple that can't get over his disabilities. UGLY.

What a fucking stupid retarded little life I was given. Pathetic and stupid.

God I want off this hell hole.

my mom didn't give birth to me. she shat me out.

No matter how much I try and polish this stupid retarded little life I've lived, after 30 years of polishing, it's still a piece of shit.

Edited by Magellan (04/19/13 10:28 PM)

#431790 - 04/19/13 10:21 PM Re: Pathetic and hopeless [Re: Magellan]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 04:01 AM)

#431792 - 04/19/13 10:29 PM Re: Pathetic and hopeless [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 01/01/11
Posts: 1595
Loc: California
Yeah. 30 years of work over here.

Life is just a piece of shit that I've been polishing all these years, since I was 11. I'm 41 now.

Just a piece of shit.

#431794 - 04/19/13 10:52 PM Re: Pathetic and hopeless [Re: Magellan]
csasurvivor1992 Offline

Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
Magellan, I'm so sorry you feel that way. I can personally relate to the friends aspect of your recovery. I remember thinking I had to make the effort because no one was going to make the effort for me. I remember when I believed I had to be entirely self sufficient in this life and do things on my own, for myself... things like reaching out and making "friends."

Even writing this now, I am still unable to make emotional connections to people. I am so very much guarded. Actually didn't know that until today.

All I can say is you deserved better. You deserved better brother. You deserved the love of a mother and the safety to experience life as a kid.

I don't know what you look like, but I would venture to say you are not ugly. It sounds like you are a man in pain, a ton of pain. The things that happened to you weren't your fault. The things you've done since were to protect yourself, behaviors and defense mechanism learned as a kid to keep yourself safe.

You deserved better and you are worth recovering for yourself. You deserve so much more, so much more.

I hope this helps Magellan. Hugs and love to you brother.
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

#431803 - 04/20/13 02:06 AM Re: Pathetic and hopeless [Re: Magellan]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL

Hi Magellan. Man, I'm so sorry your feeling this terrible right now. I read your words and I hear a man crying out from the abyss. I wish I could offer you a magical solution but I can't. I understand being alone, but I can't relate to the desire not to be alone, so perhaps I'm not even qualified to give advise or even any input here.

There are a few things I want to bring up. You say you love your career. Does your career expose you to other people at all? You know, coworkers? Some careers actually don't. That's why I'm asking. You say you've taken part 12 step programs. No luck there? Are you still in those programs? Have you brought up your lack of and need for human connection in those programs?

Pets are great, and can make you feel a little less lonely, but they aren't humans, and that's what I'm hearing you call out for.

Then you list these...

Stop drinking
Stop smoking
Get on medication
Seek spirituality

I'm not sure how any of those are supposed to help you find friends or connect with people. Maybe spirituality, if you join a church. Have you joined one? Are there not people there you can connect with? I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you if there are and you haven't been able to, I'm just asking if that's an option you've already exhausted.

You know, Magellan, I think park of the problem is age. I'm 38 and, reading your post, it only takes a little math to figure out that we are close in age. Part of the problem is, if you haven't made many friends or found that special someone by now, the road does get rougher. That's not your fault, it's just the fact that by the time you are in your late 30's/early 40's, most of your peers are already married with a couple of kids and don't have time for friends outside of that. That doesn't mean all hope is lost, it just mean the road is rougher. Don't give up.

Also, I wish you wouldn't call yourself ugly, but I won't tell you not to. I've been calling myself ugly all my life and no matter how many times people tell me I'm not, it always just feels like they're blowing sunshine up my ass. Therefore, if I told you not to call yourself ugly, I'd be a hypocrite. Having said that, I have no idea what you look like but I do know that I've met people who are disfigured and who are burn victims but who have a significant other in their lives. There are people out there who will accept you, regardless of what you look like. From reading your posts, I can say that you are certainly not ugly on the inside. Most people are superficial and only see outer beauty. There are those out there who can and do see inner beauty though. If outer beauty truly is not something you were blessed with, it says absolutely nothing about your true worth. There are those who will see this. Please don't give up on that.

I wish I had more to add now but everything else I'm thinking of to say seems inadequate. Not that anything I've said so far is adequate. Your pain and your angst are real and are valid. Nothing I could say could make them go away. I just honestly hope you find some resolution to all this. If not a solution, a resolution. They are not the same thing. You are not alone and you are in my thoughts. Take care, Peace,



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