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#431650 - 04/18/13 01:49 PM I wish...
trytry Offline

Registered: 02/14/13
Posts: 52
Loc: Wisconsin
I wish my childhood wasn't ruined by CSA
I wish I could have had all the experiences everyone else seemed to have as a kid
I wish they didn't call me lazy when I couldn't focus on my school work
I wish it didn't take all the love out of my heart and replace it with hatred
I wish they could see through the fake smiles and laughs and see the pain I held inside
I wish it didn't destroy the dreams and goals I've had for as long as I can remember
I wish the effects of it weren't worse now more than ever before
I wish I didn't have social anxiety
I wish it didn't get so bad that I can barely even go into Walmart without being paranoid
I wish I could get/hold a job so I wouldn't feel so useless
I wish I could buy my wife all the things she deserves
I wish I didn't have to make up excuses to not hang out with my friends just to sit at home and do nothing
I wish I could trust people and not think they just want to hurt me
I wish I wasn't addicted to alcohol and cigarrettes by age 15
I wish my parents would stop talking about how great of a guy he was
I wish I wouldn't have nightmares most nights that I manage to sleep
I wish I would never go to sleep and wake up crying before I even open my eyes some days
I wish I wouldn't always feel so lonely
I wish I would stop hating everything about myself
I wish I could accept compliments and think that they actually meant them
I wish there wasn't so much more that I haven't even listed
I wish I could just be happy again...

Sorry for ranting.

Edited by trytry (04/18/13 01:51 PM)

#431652 - 04/18/13 02:12 PM Re: I wish... [Re: trytry]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south

I could check each of these off my "I wish" list at one time or another.
I... WISH FOR YOU... happiness and peace. My best, guy.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#431653 - 04/18/13 02:23 PM Re: I wish... [Re: trytry]
Anthony39 Offline

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
Ranting is good man.
Every statement can apply to a lot of us at one time or another. They are like weights on a chain we have dragged behind us at one time or another. Sometimes we get comfortable with those things past even if they still feel very present.
It sometimes feels imposible to move forward with so much weight to carry, but its worth a try. One step at a time, one day at a time, hell sometimes its 15 minutes at a time.
try and try again trytry
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale

#431657 - 04/18/13 03:24 PM Re: I wish... [Re: trytry]
csasurvivor1992 Offline

Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
wow. reading that finally released the tears i've been holding back. you hit the nail on the head, right square in the middle. WOW.

i wish, no, i will learn how to have compassion for myself.

i hope the same for you.

this is great work trytry. GREAT work. you know you deserved better and you recognize you wanted it. it hurts. i am right where you are. it's so very difficult to grieve that, to grieve the loss of a childhood. i'm tearing up again thinking about the loss of mine.

i believe happiness is elusive, but attainable. only if you want it. and if you want it, you can genuinely have it.
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

#431667 - 04/18/13 04:28 PM Re: I wish... [Re: trytry]
trytry Offline

Registered: 02/14/13
Posts: 52
Loc: Wisconsin
Thanks for the comments guys, I appreciate it.

#431736 - 04/19/13 09:47 AM Re: I wish... [Re: trytry]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/26/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL

Hello trytry. I don't really consider this post to be "ranting". You just are having a ton of negative thoughts and emotions at one time and you need others to see them, even if it doesn't get rid of them. For whatever reason, I believe it's good for the soul to do this and is therapeutic. For me, purging my brain of negative thoughts and emotions in front of others, especially others who understand and can identify, helps somehow. The negative thoughts and emotions may still be there but after sharing them it feels a little less like they are burning a hole in my brain, and in some small way, a weight is lifted, if only a little.

Thanks for sharing and yes, I could check off at least 80% of the things you listed on my own "I wish" list. Take care. Peace,



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