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#189075 - 10/29/07 06:45 PM I Loved You... I HATE You
River Offline

Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 114
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee

I Loved You...

I loved the way you sat me on your knee,
A match to blow out, just for me!
As you puffed on your pipe,
Aroma filled the air,
You reached over and ruffled my hair.

Bibbed overalls and an old worn out cap,
You picked me up
and sat me on your lap.
Close to your chest,
I pressed my ear,
It was the ticking of your watch,
I liked to hear.

You called me "Bugs,"
I was proud of that name.
But since you hurt me,
I HATE that name.

I don't understand how you could do what you did,
I don't understand why I kept is so hid.

Kicking and screaming, I tried to fight you off,
You pushed me down and got what you sought.

You thought it was funny,
You laughed in my face,
You told me my mommy never would return to your place.

We ran and hid to get away from you,
You laughed, it was a game;
You were very cruel.

It was the black vinyl couch,
You pushed my face into,
As you overpowered me,

The flames in the stove,
Is what got me through.
The rest is history,

I am glad you are dead,
I am glad you are gone.
I have carried this with me,
Far too long.

Even before the memories,
In my conscious mind.
Something wasn't right,
Something was out of line.

The watch in your overalls,
Was passed on to me.
I did not want it,

I didn't understand it
At the time,
I was only a teen-ager
With a locked up mind.

I took the watch
Deep in the woods,
Before It's grave,
I solemnly stood.
To family it reminded them of Poppa Poe,
To me it reminded me of your Hell-Bound Soul.



#189757 - 11/03/07 02:11 AM Re: I Loved You... I HATE You [Re: River]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I have been following your posts about the abuse from your grandfather and I was wondering when you would take a step like this. Good for you! And I'm especially glad you ditched the watch - to you it's just a foul trinket and you're so much better off without it.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#189789 - 11/03/07 03:13 PM Re: I Loved You... I HATE You [Re: roadrunner]
KeithR Offline

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
This is a very powerful poem, River. I got goose bumps and shivered as I read it. I'm sorry you've had to suffer through this. I'm glad you've made it to the site. Welcome.


#190526 - 11/09/07 03:15 AM Re: I Loved You... I HATE You [Re: KeithR]
River Offline

Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 114
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
Thanks Keith. My therapist asked me last week if I remember the location where I buried it. of course, I can't remember... glad that I don't, don't think I want to go back there.


#431610 - 04/18/13 02:32 AM Re: I Loved You... I HATE You [Re: River]
douglaswil Offline

Registered: 02/27/12
Posts: 35
Loc: Russellville, AR

WOW! What a poem and what an experience you went through. Sorry to hear that.

I am DOUG, not Egbert!

#472089 - 11/03/14 05:50 AM Re: I Loved You... I HATE You [Re: River]
River Offline

Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 114
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
I started my section hike on the Appalachian Trail this past week. The trail has become a spiritual odyssey for me. I get to have very candid conversations with God... sometimes laughing, other times bent over crying and other times SCREAMING at God. My first day on the trail included all of the emotions above.

As my first day on the trail concluded, I showed up at my first Shelter (Gooch). I was the first hiker to arrive that evening. As I was setting up camp, another hiker showed up, trail name Papa Wolfe. He was a man my age (48) and his son, and his son's best friend showed up later (they had gone into the nearest town for pizza). I was sad because I usually hike with my son and future son in law who are around these young mens ages. It was the last day of their 4 month hike and it was the first day of my AT journey.

In the shelter there is a spiral bound notebook in which hikers write entries. Papa Wolfe wrote a long entry addressing all the hikers who had impacted him over the four months.

The next morning, we all ate breakfast and visited for awhile as we gathered up gear and prepared to hit the trail.

We had a special connection.. they were Christian brothers who were hiking for a cause (missionary in S. Korea who takes in abandoned babies). They memorized Psalm 18:30-36 for the trail and he quoted it from memory to me... I was moved beyond words.

They hit the trail shortly before I did. But before I left I wanted to make my own entry. I picked up the notebook... flipped it open and to my SURPRISE... there was a pocket watch

Papa Wolfe left a pocket watch and stated... I carried this south from Maine to Georgia... will someone please carry it back from Georgia to Maine.

I picked up the watch and have taken on the task.... along with Psalm 18:30-36

It did not hit my until late in the day what the watch symbolizes for me.. the pocket watch has BEEN RETURNED for the journey.

#472090 - 11/03/14 08:57 AM Re: I Loved You... I HATE You [Re: River]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4197
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
River -

I read your poem and the rest of this thread.
i was moved by the poem and found it quite significant how that symbol of the pocket watch had come around again.
i hope you will follow up again as you continue and finish your journey on the trail - to tell us what it all means to you now.

wishing you good hiking,
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#472418 - 11/12/14 02:42 AM Re: I Loved You... I HATE You [Re: River]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6382
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada

you know how to write.
total immersion.
too real.

like gazing at the blazing sun,
your revelation burns my eyes.
but 'tis better to bite the bitter truth,
than feast on tasty toxic lies.

thank you.


#472422 - 11/12/14 03:47 PM Re: I Loved You... I HATE You [Re: River]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2740
I wish I could access this anger. I know I should. Thank you for sharing this. It's powerful....


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