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#431351 - 04/15/13 07:16 PM Does Anyone Else Go Through It
lukedamien Offline

Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
All my life I try to be loved and have friends. I call users and shady dudes friends because I try too hard to be loved and like. But there's those real good dudes and I always fuck it up. I don't know why I can't stop ruining a good thing. Anyone else know about this? How do you dudes change it?

#431361 - 04/15/13 08:52 PM Re: Does Anyone Else Go Through It [Re: lukedamien]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 652
Loc: where the shadows lie
I go through a similar thing. It seems like the "good dudes" always drop me eventually. I don't know why. Sorry I'm not a lot of help except to say yeah I've been there.
I will always be your champion
I will always tear the monsters from you

#431368 - 04/15/13 09:32 PM Re: Does Anyone Else Go Through It [Re: Jacob S]
lukedamien Offline

Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68

#431369 - 04/15/13 09:43 PM Re: Does Anyone Else Go Through It [Re: lukedamien]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4098
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Luke -

I always assumed that the good guys wouldn't want me as a friend so I never got close enough to be accepted - because then I couldn't get hurt by being dumped or rejected. the bad guys were the ones I was afraid of so I avoided them, too. the only friends I had growing up were the fellow rejects and outcasts and there wasn't much we could offer each other except our shared misery. that was until I was out of high school.

in college - it was different - nobody knew I was "supposed" to be the scapegoat - so I got a new start - but by then I was so wary of other people that I didn't really know how to be a friend. i was surface friends with lots of people - but not really close to any. a well-known loner.

I guess I can't answer your question beyond this -

in order to have a good solid friendship I *think* you have to respect yourself more - so that you don't sabotage yourself and the friendship. can't be too dependent and desperate because that scares people away. can't be too cool and distant and passive - cause that makes them think you don't care. just my observations of others...

keep at it, Luke - you'll learn as you go and eventually get it right. it is better than staying lonely.

"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"

#431370 - 04/15/13 09:43 PM Re: Does Anyone Else Go Through It [Re: lukedamien]
DavoSwim Offline

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 388
Loc: Midwest
This is a similar pattern for me. I make friends with jerks, and ignore the kind, generous people out there. It stems from poor self esteem and the belief that I don't deserve to be friends with the nice ones. I think if they find out the truth that I'm damaged, they'll dump me. I make the mistake of thinking that people like me when what they're doing is taking advantage of me or exploiting me. Very similar to being abused.
My T has said that when I start getting into that way of thinking, replace the thoughts of worthlessness with examples of when I have done nice deeds for others. Soon that will changed self image which will affect who I befriend. People with healthy self images will want to associate with like minded people and that will break the cycle. It's just an idea. Thanks


#431393 - 04/16/13 02:06 AM Re: Does Anyone Else Go Through It [Re: traveler]
lukedamien Offline

Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
What can I say to that? How does one respond to the bullseye shot? In high school I lived inside of a plastic Luke. I proudly fought gay-straight alliance and acted brave. I had quite a few 'fag hags' lots of curious straight boys secretly friended me. Some timid gays and some real cool dudes that never wanted to talk about it. But would defend me if a homo joke was ever cracked. I was like the life of the party. I over exerted myself to be the one cool dude everyone just had to meet before the week was up. New dudes came to school and word went quick that I was both gay and cool. I guess you could say on the outter part of plastic Luke. I was popular. But inside I knew I was fake about it all.

At the Community College now, popular dudes don't seem to matter. Maybe if I make it to University it willl probably be a popular issue again. But I've always felt the things u described


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