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#431316 - 04/15/13 04:01 PM MAKE IT STOP!
csasurvivor1992 Offline

Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
I am so angry, frustrated, and overwhelmed! I hate that my immediate response to an uncomfortable situation is one of retreat. I retreat, withdraw, and isolate externally and internally. My inner-monlogue turns negative and I start believing all the lies I told myself. Things like I am not good enough, I am going to fail, I am going to be exposed for the person I really am... all that familiar and frustrating shit.

I hate how when I just hunker down and do those things which cause me such extreme anxiety, I calm down and remember that I am a survivor and none of this really matters. I hate that I am a survivor dealing with the internal struggles I do. I hate that when I think things are getting better and I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the light goes out, and I am lost in the thick of something I hate being in at all.

I am so freaking frustrated this morning and just want to be good enough. I want to feel like I am good at something. For now, the only thing I'm good at is expressing my frustrations. I can mask pretty well and I don't want to do that anymore.

I hate how a relatively simple task that takes a little longer than 10 minutes makes me feel so down on myself. I hate having to rely on other people to get things done. I hate that I think I'll forget what I need to do (can't focus) and I hate that I think I may be someone different at the end of the day (masks). I JUST WANT TO BE ME AND HAVE THAT BE GOOD ENOUGH!

This is all so very new to me. I have felt a peace recently that I never thought possible, and then the familiar feeling of being rushed comes back and ruins my emotional state. I hate that I feel so very controlled by my emotions. I hate that I am a survivor of CSA... I hate that I was abused sexually, mentally, so horrifically by my father, MY FATHER. What a freaking asshole.

I hate that I think I'm over a significant hurdle only to see a bigger one in front of me when I look up.

I just want it to be okay to love me. I just want it to be okay to be me.
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

#431320 - 04/15/13 06:10 PM Re: MAKE IT STOP! [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Benthebeaver Offline

Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 12
Loc: Germany
this seems pretty energetic to me. seems like thereís a lot of anger inside of you and maybe you could turn this anger into energy and stop using it against yourself, instead use it against this stupid thing in your head that tells you lies all the time and wants to pull you down. itís good that you let it out, maybe itís the first step to break those chains of self doubt, break yourself free again. maybe just for today, maybe tomorrow it will be there again, but the person you are is worth fighting for, even if itís just for today. and it seems to me like thatís the fighter in you who is writing there.
I know this feeling when every thought turns out to be full of negativity and you feel like youíre too deep down in the hole to get out.. and usually words canít help me that much then. I hope this could be of any help though.
you don't always have to be strong, nobody is. it doesn't make you less worthy if you can't manage anything right now, it's okay too.
wish you some hope

besides, you're extremely being you in that post, just in case you didn't notice..

Edited by Benthebeaver (04/15/13 06:11 PM)
If we're not entirely ourselves, truly in this present moment, we'll miss everything.


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