I am so angry, frustrated, and overwhelmed! I hate that my immediate response to an uncomfortable situation is one of retreat. I retreat, withdraw, and isolate externally and internally. My inner-monlogue turns negative and I start believing all the lies I told myself. Things like I am not good enough, I am going to fail, I am going to be exposed for the person I really am... all that familiar and frustrating shit.
I hate how when I just hunker down and do those things which cause me such extreme anxiety, I calm down and remember that I am a survivor and none of this really matters. I hate that I am a survivor dealing with the internal struggles I do. I hate that when I think things are getting better and I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the light goes out, and I am lost in the thick of something I hate being in at all.
I am so freaking frustrated this morning and just want to be good enough. I want to feel like I am good at something. For now, the only thing I'm good at is expressing my frustrations. I can mask pretty well and I don't want to do that anymore.
I hate how a relatively simple task that takes a little longer than 10 minutes makes me feel so down on myself. I hate having to rely on other people to get things done. I hate that I think I'll forget what I need to do (can't focus) and I hate that I think I may be someone different at the end of the day (masks). I JUST WANT TO BE ME AND HAVE THAT BE GOOD ENOUGH!
This is all so very new to me. I have felt a peace recently that I never thought possible, and then the familiar feeling of being rushed comes back and ruins my emotional state. I hate that I feel so very controlled by my emotions. I hate that I am a survivor of CSA... I hate that I was abused sexually, mentally, so horrifically by my father, MY FATHER. What a freaking asshole.
I hate that I think I'm over a significant hurdle only to see a bigger one in front of me when I look up.
I just want it to be okay to love me. I just want it to be okay to be me.
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.