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#43131 - 05/06/05 02:04 AM So which is it?
ForeverFighting Offline

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1253
Loc: New Mexico, USA
People who are generally happy and try to cheer me up when I'm having my post-therapy hangovers say, "It's not what life hands you, it's how you react to what life hands you." They say it's countering every negative thought with a positive one. If they can have more positive thoughts than negative, then they are always happy. It's because I dwell on the negative and choose to be angry or hurt or whatever that makes me so depressed.

My therapist says I've tried that way, and it obviously didn't work. That I have to feel whatever it is I'm supposed to feel if I'm going to step over this fallen tree in my path. That coming here and sharing our experiences helps solidify the SA in my past and keeps it from living in the present.

I'm having an OK day. I also fell back into all the things I've been trying not to do. All the things I've been blabbing about on this site--how successful I can be if I just remember my self-worth, blah, blah, blah. MB is love, and I'm addicted to whatever kind of love that is. I can sit here and write out the whole formula on what I need to think, how I can build myself up, how it's about the SA, how I can lessen it. And then I go do it.

So which is it? Avoid this whole abuse thing? I'm still mad at my parents. They bring out the MB in a rebel sort of way. I can be whatever the hell I want. That kind of thing. So if I was stranded on an island with my wife away from my family and never thought about SA, would it come up anyway? Is it coming from inside? Or are the memories triggered because I come here every day and read/write about it?

Do I make myself happy? Or do I slime around in the muck hoping it happens someday? Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I be as positive and happy as people I know? Do I enjoy being a sad, sorry, piece of humanity? Maybe it gets people to feel sorry for me? Or it gives me an excuse to do whatever I want? I've written my story, I've said how I feel, I've experimented with trusting another man enough to say how I feel. What do I do now?

My therapist says I can't "think" my way out of this. So I spend month after month riding this raging river of emotions. And what you're saying, Mr. Therapist, is that THIS is what will make me happy? I've done this for 11 years now? How many more new cars does the guy need?

I want to get well. I want to be the positive, happy guy who always has something good to talk about. I don't want to be damaged anymore.

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, nor will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

#43132 - 05/06/05 03:36 AM Re: So which is it?
RICK57 Offline

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Forever Fighting -

What do we do / what can we do?

Whatever is best for each of us as an individual!

Whatever that is takes some finding.

Personally I find that planting something, nurturing something, watching it grow gives me great satisfaction & some peace of mind.

Trying to concentrate on the positive even when I feel very negative (I do not always succeed). Identifying when I am falling into the pit so that I can stop myself hitting the bottom (can take diversionary action). Watching a humorous DVD even if I don't want to laugh - sometimes I just can't help it.

Eating properly even if I feel so down that I gag or waste most of the food - getting some of it down helps.

Accepting that I am actually OK, that I am a worthy person.

Doing something that makes somone else happy (and I don't mean that in the way that our abusers would interpret it)- to make someone else smile always gives me a lift.

Have I answered your questions - probably not.

Try and look at the sun when it shines and think what it does for nature - same with wind / rain / snow / daylight / night, the stars in the sky & the wax or wane of the moon. In other words try to look out of your self at what is around you. It's spring again here in England and the world is a wonderful colourful place. Sometimes my mind is a darker place, but I bow to nature!

Believe in yourself - best wishes ..Rik

*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

#43133 - 05/10/05 08:36 AM Re: So which is it?
Splitting Offline

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
I am only 12 months into my therapy. One of the scariest things for me is to start feeling anything but filth. When ever I smile and start to feel "normal" I feel so exposed. Like the world is ready to pounce and I have let my guard down.

It seems the more I move forward, the harder the pounces come. Usually in the form of memories.

I dobelieve that the SA permanently screwed the wiring in our head (this has been proven scientificaly)so yes, the SA would evenutally creep into your desert island.

The screwed wiring cannot be surgically removed. It is permanent; but, we as humans have the ability to create new mental pathways to by-pass the old ones.

Now if I can just hire a really good electrician I would have it made!!

Hang in there myfriend!


#43134 - 05/10/05 08:39 AM Re: So which is it?
Aptrick Offline

Registered: 06/26/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
I look at life through tainted glasses. Tainted not tinted because, I know it's because of my self sorrow that taints everything. The thing that I learned from my SA is how to be a chamaleon. I can adapt to any situation and I can "do" anything myself. I good through the day and I make it.... for all those in my life that my existance has meaning...wife, son, friends, co-workers, etc. But, I always feel the mask of my efforts. I don't smile because I feel like it, it comforts others. I don't eat, shower and dress because I enjoy it; it keeps others from finding out. I feel like a fraud one step away from being unmasked. At times, I wish I could lose the mask but it is an impossible act when you've been preforming sooo long. Who am I? I don't know for sure, unless it is in reguards to others, husband, father, leader, etc. I want to be perky and smiley but feel it. Self-worth would be the fastest selling consumable ever if someone could just bottle it up and market it. Thanks for the rant.


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