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#430315 - 04/06/13 05:30 AM Infidelity and Responsibility
Jemma Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 18
Loc: England
I really need a straight answer to this please, if possible.

I'm struggling - still - with my husbands history of using prostitutes and he's just admitted that he behaved like a teenager on heat when he had the affair. When I ask him about it he blames it all on the abuse, that he felt 'compelled' to do these things.

What I need to know is - did he have no responsibility for these things himself? Is the abuse an excuse or could he have stopped at some point?

Thankyou in advance,

Jemma

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#430317 - 04/06/13 06:46 AM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Unless drugs played a role I'd say that the fulfillment of the act was done without regard to consequences. On andoff drugs and alcohol my sex drive is absolutely stupendous. More the need for closeness than gratification. But unless induced with drugs or alcohol I willingly went with the compulsions. For me I can admit that I feel compelled to have multiple sex partners. But I choose to go through with it. Maybe other people are different based on their experiences but I can only answer for me.

I read your other post earlier and started to reply with this but changed my mind. But now with this second post I've chosen to reply. You said he is leaving for a year and you'd breathe easily then. If I recall correctly. I think separation is a move that should be devised together. It's plain that you feel disregarded and unappreciated and that you've put efforts into making it work. But nobody (in my eyes) should have to suffer and hurt unless it's absolutely necessary to heal.

Without getting long winded. I say probably he needs more time on his own to work his issues. I don't trust being in a relationship right now, even more since finally dealing with this. Too much has triggered me in just one day.
We go through ups and downs. But couldn't you possibly be there for him as a friend, to support him in his healing? Or would it hurt too much knowing he's involved with other women after you've devoted so much time and efforts into it?

Just a friend to support him may go a long way. The only bf I ever had is still friends with me today. I separated from him after he cheated on me. But he really put evidence in trying to prove I matter to him. So we're close friends and I talked about my abuse with him earlier today. He came over and supported me. Earlier today (yesterday actually) I opened up after a few years of suppressing my abuse and told two people about it. One dude brought me here. And my ex held me while I cried. He's sleeping over tonight. He had stuff to do but cancelled everything to be here and support me. It means everything to me.

Starting to think about and talk about my abuse has welled up strong emotions that I don't feel I can handle. I'm scared of them. I'm scared to feel anything at all. You said he's in therapy and trying to deal with it. Maybe he's scared like I've been all day and night. Maybe he doesn't really feel you love him anyway. No offense against you. Please srry. But my ex will do great things that one moment I feel he loves me. But the next moment he doesn't seem to have the love he had before. So I've found myself making reasons to distance myself more from caring about him. Even though I do care about him. But someone who should have nurtured our ability to be safe and feel loved and cared for and to trust. They badly damaged that for us. So it's better in my mind to mostly put up brick barriers to not get more damaged.

Srry

This is why I didn't finish my reply earlier. Too much I'm saying and hoping not to offend you. But trying to say what it's like. And also dealing with all this for the first time in a while. Too much emotional chaos right now. But I hope it helped a little. Especially hope it's not offensive. That's not my goal here

Ttyl

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#430318 - 04/06/13 06:59 AM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Jemma

Man, you ask a hard question. For me I believe I have gotten to the point where I can stop myself.

But early on before I REALLY understood what was going on and for a while after I seriously could not control myself. I would become so compelled to actout that I was not myself. I love my wife dearly - I always have but that couldn't stop me. When I first started resisting the tempation I would physically shake and be so drained from NOT acting out.

For me the urge would come when I started to feel worthless and the only way I knew to feel like I was worth something was through sex. But I guess the reasons are different for everyone.

We all heal differently too but it took me 6 months from realising that the abuse was the cause for my actions before I felt in control of things.

BTW - I think you are awesome. My wife has no idea of my infidelity and I just hope that she would be as strong as you obvioulsy are for at least trying to understand.

So my opinion is that there should come a time (at some point) where he is responsible for his actions and honours his marriage vows.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#430320 - 04/06/13 07:07 AM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
The origins may have been the abuse-sure.

But the solution is entirely up to him. There is healing and recovery for those who admit they need help and are willing to change.
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#430329 - 04/06/13 09:58 AM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
My feeling is that the abuse creates poor coping mechanisms - and then life happens and we all have some way we numb our pain. For people who were abused, its just a very different way.

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#430475 - 04/08/13 03:16 AM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
Jemma Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 18
Loc: England
Thank you for some really fascinating insights. Don't worry about offending me, I'm seeking answers even if they hurt. I feels as if its like this huge jigsaw puzzle and I'm trying to find the pieces and put them together to make a picture.

Lee, I had no idea that acting out was such a strong compulsion, and the urge came with feeling worthless makes complete sense.

We talked a lot over the weekend, and for the first time he recognised that he needed to take responsibility for his actions, so we have devised a plan. Basically, if and when these urges arise, he talks to me FIRST, and maybe we can work out an alternative and better coping method.

I don't know if this will work in the long term, time will tell, but neither of us want to live apart.

All of your replies have helped me understand more, thank you.

Jemma

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#430541 - 04/08/13 05:04 PM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
weharry1959 Offline


Registered: 11/13/10
Posts: 71
Loc: N/W Pennsylvania, USA
Jemma,
There is never a good enough excuse for infidelity. However, there are reasons, some compelling, to understand "why" we, who have been sexually abused, may respond. He may not have stopped for some reason that will only come to light with the right type of counseling.
To use it has an excuse, knowing fair well what he is doing, is neither healthy nor what your marriage (or covenant) is based upon. If he is seeking help, and wants to stop, he will need an accountability partner, someone who he can be held accountable to when he's feeling a need to violate his covenant he made with you.
You'll need to decide to what level of genuineness he has in stopping this behavior. Like an addiction, it may be hard to stop, but it can and should stop. I suspect that being here, he probably does want to stop. He wants to find the answers to why.
As for myself, I had developed a barrier and was hypervigilant that I slept on the edge of our bed, while on my side, gripping the corded roll where the seams of the mattress came to gether. I had even lost interest in intimacy with my bride and never known why. My prostitute was work, I'd put in between 100 and 105 hrs a week. With there only being 168 hrs in a week, there wasn't much time to spend with my wife and kids. I fooled myself into believing I did it for them. But ultimately, I had to deal with the physical manifestations that eventually came, required counseling, job loss and a rebuild of trust.
I know that for me, counseling and talking to first my counselor and with my wife and children, helped me begin the journey towards healing and a better relationship with my wife. For us, having God as the center of our marriage, then each other as second and ourselves as third. If you are willing to watch a movie either with your husband or alone, I would recommend watching "Fireproof". If you desire to make your marriage work, watching this move and getting a copy of "Love Dare" workbook by Kendrick, will give you both the best chance at forgiveness, healing and strengthening your marriage. Most Sincerely, Bill Harry.
_________________________
Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.

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#430611 - 04/09/13 03:09 AM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
Jemma Offline


Registered: 02/12/13
Posts: 18
Loc: England
Thank you Bill Harry. We, too, have a strong faith which was probably why he held it together for the first 29 years of our marriage, and only led a double life for the last 5. He's full of remorse and has been Ok for the last 5 months, and we're hoping that will last. He's done well in counselling, and I'm the one he's accountable to.

The problem is that I'm having an emotional time dealing with what he's done as my fairy tale marriage wasn't a fairy tale after all. It really hurts, but I have to accept things as they are now.

I'm trying to get counselling for myself, but there's a 6 to 12 week wait. I feel that I need counselling NOW.

I'll try to find 'Fireproof' and the book.

I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Jemma

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#430622 - 04/09/13 08:32 AM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 105
Loc: west Chester, Pa
I am sorry to hear of your pain. My wife and I have seen the movie "Fireproof" and are working with the book LOVE DARE. The book has opened a very honest discussion between us. It has been of great benefit to our relationship. We wish you the best and will be thinking of you and praying for his and your progress. It takes a willingness an work, it can get better.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#430667 - 04/09/13 06:38 PM Re: Infidelity and Responsibility [Re: Jemma]
weharry1959 Offline


Registered: 11/13/10
Posts: 71
Loc: N/W Pennsylvania, USA
Jemma, I am glad to hear you are seeking help for yourself. If you haven't yet done so, you may be able to seek counseling from a Counselor through your place of worship. If that doesn't work due to fear of disclosure of personal information, Check with a place of worship nearby that may provide counseling. It is usually on a sliding fee basis (based upon what you can afford). I see that you are in the United Kingdom. Here in the US, we have many christian counselors who are trained to therapy to help others.
If you are not able to locate the movie "Fireproof" or the Book, "the Love Dare" please let me know and I will forward you a copy of both. Give my best to your husband and you are both in my prayers. Most Sincerely, Bill
_________________________
Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.

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