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#430771 - 04/10/13 07:04 PM Re: Here was my favorite part of Chase Eric's comment [Re: Life's A Dream]
dumont Offline

Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
I hope it's ok to bring this topic up, but it really speaks to what I do I think.
I often put myself into positions where my abuse is reenacted.
This is one of many posts here that shock me; it shocks me because it's so true, so what I do and so common with people like us who have been abused. That old cliché of you are not alone seems so true in this area. There is a topic on torture that I read over and over again because it speaks to me, it's me. I read it and I am so afraid to say what was done to me. But I go out and let guys do it to me again and again. It happens always the same way. I get that feeling and I need it. I want it.
I want to be hurt and I want to be humiliated that way. I want the shame.
At least when I am in these situations I know what is expected of me and I know how to take it.
The most fucked up part is that I try and find men my fathers age and who look like him when he started with me. It's as if i don't let guys hurt me all the stuff that happened wasn't real. It keeps it alive and real inside
I try to stop sometimes, like today. I know if I go out right now I will look for trouble. So I have some music playing and just trying to stay put.
As for porn, I too go for the rough nasty humiliating stuff. I have friends I let use me one line and I use to be on a vid chat site but to many people linked to me so I stopped that.
Not sure what else to say. I hope I didn't say to much, sorry if I did.

#430773 - 04/10/13 08:01 PM . [Re: dumont]
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island

Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 12:40 AM)

#430850 - 04/11/13 08:02 AM Re: Here was my favorite part of Chase Eric's comment [Re: dumont]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3860
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi dumont,
good to see you discussing this issue openly. Many survivors have problems even many years later with reenacting situations that could be risky or similar to abusive experience. Some are moved but doing some other stuff that in background have same source, those are high drive activities like drugs, alcohol, anonymous and risky sex, porn, gambling and similar. List could be very long as personal preferences are different for everyone of us.
Why we do it?
There are different answers:
- some answers are lying in fact that as long as original trauma is not healed our brain is stuck in moment of grave danger (for our minds some abusive situations were seen like that) and trying somehow to repeat similar conditions and to resolve knot and scars left by such destructive situation. Unfortunately resolution never happens spontaneously by itself and actually trough therapy we should look for healing of original trauma otherwise we are stuck in consonant cycling trough same patterns;
- some of us developed coping mechanism that are involving some of previously mentioned situations. For example I have a lot of problems with porn, it is not regular porn but something that on emotional level is reminding me of abuse. There is always some element in it that I associate with being survivor of sexual abuse and I'm ashamed to admit but that is what I'm looking for sometimes and doing. It is important to acknowledge to self in what emotional state that is happening. Personally it happens to me always when I feel down, isolated, alone, invisible and not heard. Those are some of feelings that are the most damaging for me and when I'm feeling like that I know that there is high risk that I'd fall to my old habits.
Here is terrible good article about all that written by Ken Singer:
Please take some time and read it, there is even homework for you if you are looking how to break that cycle wink

Hang on and share with us more. Secrets are purring power to those old habits that sometimes control us.
Many of us came here to reconnect whit others, to break isolation that we are feeling for so long and to move with our healing.
We can do it together wink

My story

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