Well I've been fooling around with my best friend, whom I want to be in a relationship with, however I'm not so sure he wants to be in one with me.
But anyways this morning, he was going in for sex I think, we haven't had sex yet but this was pretty close. I found myself unable to tell him I wasn't ready, also I found myself falling back into my memories of the abuse. I didn't really expect it to hit me like this, but it's really messing with me.
So what happened was I stayed over at his house and in the morning we were cuddling and stuff, but I kept getting really horny. I think there's two things that triggered me.
First, the anticipation, and it being the morning, and being in bed with a guy who does or doesn't want to have sex with me. I remember waking up to my cousin and having this same anticipation although it was always a dreadful anticipation, and I never wanted it to happen, but my body always reacted anyways. In this case, it was me and my friend Kyle, I didn't want to have sex (because I absolutely cannot be just friends with benefits) and I had to keep fighting my body. Getting erections, making them go away, getting another, but so horny and I had precum or whatever you call it. God it was so fucking stressful trying to not have sex. But I think this time he was really going for it, I told him I like being bitten, and we've talked about this before, and he told me he once he was thinking about biting me but he knew that would lead to sex and he wasn't ready. Well I guess this time he wanted to have sex, cause he started biting me on the neck, and he was obviously horny.
Which leads to the second unexpected trigger. It was at this moment, I completely was turned off and couldn't stand it anymore. He laid on top of me and our dicks were touching, I told myself I wouldn't let him even feel me, but I unexpectedly let him. I eventually told him I just wasn't feeling well (having drank last night, I just told him I had a bad hangover), and I ended the sexual stuff.
But now I'm having all kinds of feelings and I'm almost put off by him now, which isn't good because I really like him and I intend to tell him I want a relationship. I realize all this shit is stemming from my abuse and I didn't really expect to be triggered like this. I'm all over the place right now, idk what to think, and it's really hard to explain or even really pinpoint the trigger.
Also, I think I should stress how important to me it was that he not touch my penis, period. But but it went there, and waaay before I was ready.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein