Newest Members
jez, Long Way Home, Bcbornleo, Orko, molander
13593 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
darkangel116 (39), eddyg (50), lileddie (61), mrmold (65), Pieter (57), shawna (39), Thomas1701 (29)
Who's Online
3 registered (Surya25, 2Bnormal51, 1 invisible), 30 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,593 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,680 Topics
493,639 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#430433 - 04/07/13 08:25 PM stupid, insensitive people
Benthebeaver Offline

Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 12
Loc: Germany
I got out of hospital a few days ago and then there’s this girl at some barbecue who says something like: "I‘ve heard you had a breakdown and you were in hospital, huh? well, that’s really interesting, I like people like that."
I mean INTERESTING??? and what kind of man am I in her eyes?? some messed-up, insane person, or what does she want me to be?
so I get angry and tell her what I think of that and she just looks at me like "I have to be patient with him, he‘s not quite right in the head.." and says nothing. probably made me even more interesting. like the fucking stereotyped characters in the books she reads. finally there’s a bit of drama in her boring life, she talked to someone who was hospitalized, wow, would you believe that? how exciting..
omg, I could have killed her! she knows NOTHING of what it feels like. can you imagine someone to be SO STUPID?
If we're not entirely ourselves, truly in this present moment, we'll miss everything.

#430436 - 04/07/13 09:04 PM Re: stupid, insensitive people [Re: Benthebeaver]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Patronizing our struggle for the purpose of personal gain or some entertainment is infuriating. The non abused, at least a portion, simply do not have the capacity to understand, much less to empathize the depth of fear and confusion, the control we had over us that they will hopefully, never taste.

I feel your anger here Ben, she is unimportant. You brave survivor, you are important. We do not want pity, we do not want a hand out and we CERTAINLY do not want to be a side show attraction. We want connections, we want the stability to belong to a group and be welcomed, to slow the flashbacks and share the pain to help heal ourselves.

We come here for that recovery Ben. Please, keep reaching out for support and stability here, it is coming at it's own pace. You are here with your fellow survivors,

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#430445 - 04/08/13 12:55 AM Re: stupid, insensitive people [Re: Benthebeaver]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Man, that's a lousy way to come back out, Ben. I'm really sorry you had to go thru that kind of humiliation.

And, yes, I CAN imagine someone being that stupid.

I did an inpatient many years ago and coming back out into the world wasn't easy. I'd changed. Nothing else outside had. Frankly, I wanted to go right back in and hide. Hold on tight to what you gained. And, as Sam said, we're here for you.

#430448 - 04/08/13 02:55 AM Re: stupid, insensitive people [Re: Benthebeaver]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Hey Ben
I am glad that you are out of the hospital - i hope that you are healing and getting stronger Every day.

I also hope you can find some supportive people who can help you on your journey and building a better life-( Sounds like you found one person who cannot be supportive) I know there are many many men here who support and cheer you on your recovery.

Welcome back!
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#430452 - 04/08/13 03:21 AM Re: stupid, insensitive people [Re: Benthebeaver]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 756
Loc: VA
And this year's Oscar for Worst Pickup Line goes to... the barbecue girl!

Over the past 19 years I've learned a lot about the effects, symptoms and treatment of PTSD and rape trauma from CSA. There's no question that it's an "interesting" subject, but it's definitely not party chatter.

Ben--just remember that this episode was about her, not about you. Peace!


#430498 - 04/08/13 01:00 PM Re: stupid, insensitive people [Re: Benthebeaver]
learning2remember Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 406
Loc: Europe
That wasn't fair for her to speak about your situation like that. What I connect with most is when you say how she was looking at you with a kind of "I have to be patient with him" look. I felt that way once when I was negotiating about a bill with the receptionist at my therapist's office. It was actually a minor thing, and I was trying to ask a question more than challenge anything, and yet she just gave me this "I feel sorry for you look" and refused to hear what I was saying.

How she responded to me said nothing about me, and how the barbecue girl spoke to you says nothing about you.

Thanks for posting what happened. It helps me think through my own stuff.
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

#430506 - 04/08/13 02:45 PM Re: stupid, insensitive people [Re: Benthebeaver]
csasurvivor1992 Offline

Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas

I feel your angst and anger. People with pasts free of abuse and intense trauma just do not understand.

My brother in law once told me that he had a childhood trauma that impacted him significantly. He knew that I was abused by my father, father-son incest. He was trying so desperately to connect to me. He had listened to me as I started with my T. He was there for me. And it wasn't until he tried to connect with me that I realized he didn't get it. His trauma was pooping his pants. SERIOUSLY?! ABSOLUTELY N O T THE SAME THING!!!

People just don't get it... they don't understand, there's nothing in their life that even comes close to relating to this and so they don't know how to react, respond and just be around us. It's frustrating!

But she doesn't define the survivor part nor the healing part of you. Only you can do that.

If it just weren't for the barbecue girls of the world!

Welcome back.
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

#430652 - 04/09/13 08:17 PM Re: stupid, insensitive people [Re: Benthebeaver]
Benthebeaver Offline

Registered: 02/10/13
Posts: 12
Loc: Germany
thank you all for your answers.

She apologized today which I didn't expect at all. It doesn't mean we're friends now, but I'm glad she obviously understood what made me angry. and I'm glad that I actually got angry and not just sat there and smiled.
If we're not entirely ourselves, truly in this present moment, we'll miss everything.

#430663 - 04/09/13 09:33 PM Re: stupid, insensitive people [Re: Benthebeaver]
Publius Offline

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 444
Loc: OH
I am happy she apologized to you. I had a similar experience with a friend of mine where he was insensitive. After all was said and done I think it was a learning experience for us both. Funnily enough, you and I end up learning to be patient with these people LOL
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.