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#430418 - 04/07/13 02:37 PM A tangled mess
karin4him Offline

Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Illinois
I seem to be constantly vascillating with emotions. There are times when I get almost obsessed with wanting to know the who and what. I sometimes think that if he would share with me, I could take all of the pain away and I want to confront these people and turn their lives upside down the way they've done mine. There are times when I want to lash out at his mother (his father has passed) for having been so selfish that they didn't see it and didn't protect him from it. I get angry at our counselor for not pushing him to do work and accepting that him chatting on here is enough to deal with it.

Then there is the pain, worry and frustration with him. He has had a relationship before me with another man and he was looking at male porn not so long ago, even going so far as to meet up with a guy. So when he is unable to perform is it because I'm not what he really wants. I try to be understanding, he does work to make sure I am satisfied but I sometimes really miss th intimacy aspect of intercourse. He also goes straight for the kill, very little foreplay, almost like he wants it done and over.

I go to Al Anon and even though I don't talk about these feelings there, it still helps keep me centered and helps me remember that these are feelings and we can't necessarily control them but we can control how we react to them. I love my H more than anything and I know that he loves me, I just needed to vent a little. I would like to know if there are others that have similar feelings, emotions and how do you deal with them? Has anyone had their MS tell them everything, did it help, did you call out the abuser or am I just crazy?

#430421 - 04/07/13 04:52 PM Re: A tangled mess [Re: karin4him]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Even if you knew the abuser, who it was, it simply isn't your place. I think most survivors on here will tell you that you have to stay out of it. And your anger may actually be keeping him from telling you everything.

Getting control of your emotions will be good for you. I know that feeling so much of being all over the place emotionally, very reactive to him and to the instability that this process creates.

It took me a long time to calm this. Lots of work. I will tell you that one thing that helped me was meditation, reading the Power of Now, learning to stay present and really truly embracing the fact that my happiness is in my own hands. I know these all sound like crazy intangibles to you right now - but they really really do help.

#430431 - 04/07/13 08:14 PM Re: A tangled mess [Re: karin4him]
SouthernLaw Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Arkansas
Karin, after reading your post I am emotionally twisted in ways that I don't know if I can express. I think I am some what in shock... (not at your concerns but at the volume of information that your husband has shared with you.)

I am a 39yr old MS who was abused from 8 to 14. I stopped dating over 10yrs ago. I would give anything and I mean anything to have a relationship more or less a marriage. NEVER EVER EVER would I admit to my wife of my acting out in a homosexual manor nor any type of SSA. Here's why, for one it is an issue that I have a problem with and it's my life, my feelings, yet I can't find the words to explain it to myself. Two, when my ex and I ended our engagement she used knowledge of my childhood sexual abuse against me. She said that since I had a sexual relationship with my abuser until I was 14 that I must be gay. Now, if she used the abuse against me then NEVER EVER will I tell a girlfriend/ wife about my acting out as an adult..... NEVER!

I guess what I am trying to say..... I get the words out right. Your husband obviously LOVES and TRUST you!!!! Therefor do not go searching for anything, you don't have to. He has to hold on to some things just because "they" are his. Now, for you to know what you do about him then I have no doubt that when he is ready you will know the rest.

I am kinda jealous, really. He has you and you have got to be a remarkable woman!! If I know this about you just from your post then your KNOWS this about you as well.

As a recovering alcoholic and addict, I have found it difficult to learn to live with "feelings". I am still very emotionally "sick". So I am left with the question, "Now what". I can deal with the vicious cycle of being raped then loved but it is the fall out from the past that hurts me today.

#430802 - 04/11/13 01:48 AM Re: A tangled mess [Re: karin4him]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
I just needed to vent a little.
smile I'm glad I am not the only one!

I would like to know if there are others that have similar feelings, emotions and how do you deal with them?
I spouted off something fierce about the perps getting to "....walk away from the mess they made and never having to answer for it....". I was actually talking about someone other than H and it just came ripping out so......I guess it's safe to say I'm still working on dealing with the emotions.

Has anyone had their MS tell them everything, did it help, did you call out the abuser or am I just crazy?
H told me. I found the perp & his family. I know all sorts of stuff about him but H won't take the legal route. Pisses me off to no end, it doesn't really help.


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