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#430332 - 04/06/13 02:36 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
I don't want to be normal- no way.

I want to be ME!

I was born to be me-no matter what others ( perps) wanted me to be.

As I work to reclaim myself - thru recovery my wounds heal and help me be stronger and more of who I really am.

Be awake to the real you.

Wake up to your recovery and your journey. Be honest and fearless about your struggles and find guides who can help.
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#430336 - 04/06/13 03:21 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
...not normal by anyone's standard. Well, on the surface I am.

Just beneath the surface I want to jump and scream and laugh and skip and run "nekked" through the fields and be free of pain and shame and all that sh**......... I guess that isn't normal, is it ? But guess what... I'm slipping away this summer and I am going to do most of that..... LOL... yep. I am.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#430364 - 04/06/13 10:05 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
Normal people frighten me! laugh
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#430400 - 04/07/13 06:27 AM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I seem to be on a "road less traveled" kick this month. So be it.

I believe one "problem" for us is that we're self-aware. How many people do you see every day who spend their lives, like "normal" robots, fight rush hour, do their 9-5 and come home? And, like robots, they think it's okay to be sexist, racist, homophobic, etc., so they can fit in. They never give a thot to how their words and actions might be interpreted. Often they're shallow and don't even know it.

If there's a positive side to my CSA, it's that it forced self-awareness on me. Personally, after dealing with multiple issues for years, I don't mind as much. Oh, it's frustrating to deal with the worst of the robots. (Hell, I'd even prefer Cylons). But I also have friends to help me deal with that, too.

@lukedamien...I was the little fag, too. Now I'm a grown up fag. ;-)

#430786 - 04/10/13 11:09 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
Rj2660 Offline

Registered: 03/14/13
Posts: 22
Loc: Texas
Si, I hear you on this man and totally undstand where you are coming from and all the feeling behind. I used to be there and just wanted it to go away. I could never be like the other boys or men. It felt like i had a big rock tied around my neck. The problem is, that to a degree is feeling a need to be in denial about what happened to us. I am one of the fortunate ones, that though my abuse was severe, I have out on top. I had counseling for one year when I was 32, but also one of my best friends that I grew up with is a psychotherapist who works with csa teens and was intimately familiar with my situation. It still wasn't a breeze and he never formally couseled me, but I did have him to bounce ideas off of along the way as I worked through the issues. Oddly when I was younger, he was the normal guy that I was always measuring myself against and trying to be like,mthe seemingly charmed kid. I later learned as an adult that he had his own issues and insecurities, we all do. One of the most important things I had to understand was that of being normal for who I am now. No one who knows me would ever suspect that any of this has ever happened to me unless I tell them about it. In that alone is a certain amount of normalcy.

It is vital that we pick up from where we are now and go from there. As strange as it may seem, the things that have happened to me have many times worked out to be a blessing in my life. I know you think I'm a lunatic, right? Well, maybe i am. LoL. Every time I am able to take what has happened to me and use it to help another guy who is where I was once, it turns the tables on the things that happened to me and sort of settles the score.

If you will notice the signature I use under all my posts, it came to me one day several years ago and is what I live my life by every minute of every single day. We have to accept, forgive (did not say forget) and move on to be the person that we are and will be. Therein lies the power. We cannot be like others around us who seem to have charmed lives. Over time, I have learned that most or all of them have issues that they are handing of one sort or another. We all have our crosses to bear in life. Bad shit happens to good people man. It's just that way, even to good kids like I was and you also, I have no doubt. You have to be tough with this thing. We are the privileged who get to bear one of the big ones.

There are great things on the other side. It is a quest, a journey and not a scate down the avenue.

My best to you!
If someone throws trash on my lawn and drives away, it is mine to deal with. I make the decision whether to collect it or take responsibility for cleaning it up. We are the sum of our choices. For some, these were thrust upon us at an age when we were not qualified to take such resposibility. R.J.

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