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#430270 - 04/06/13 12:40 AM New Register
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
I'm Luke.

I go to college and I have a lot of trauma. My mom was real poor and on welfare and a drug addic and alcoholic. She traded me alot to dealers for drugs and other things. She dated drug users/dealers that supplied her the things she needed because I was there to satisfy them. She overdosed three years old when I was sixteen. She never confessed to what she did. Those men weren't the ones I wanted and needed love and security from. It was her. But she always somehow never remembered the man dragging me to her bed screaming. She kicked me out the house when I was fifteen because I was supposedly too much to handle. My uncle took me up for a few months. My aunt was the first relative I told. I broke down crying and told her the most horrible things. But my mom's sister, who I thought really loved me took a belt and whipped me for making up lies. So mom and a few of her relatives sent me away to a summer camp. I fell hard in love/lust with a seventeen year old boy in this Christian summer camp. We got caught having anal sex. I was kicked out for it. A big embarrassment to my Aunt who attended faithfully the Church that sponsored it. My family now had all the fuel they needed to mock me and tell me everything I said was lies. I took to drugs and alcohol and street/park prostitution. I was trying to escape the hurt of my family not believing me, I suppose. Also at the age just having older males caress and pamper me and give me things and treat me kindly was comforting to me. My mom died of an overdose and a particular regular john came to the funeral. He helped me rehab from drugs after mom's death. But I refused to give up alcohol. I've been clean from drugs for nearly three years. Alcohol I've been sober from about three months. I've never brought up the physical and sexual abuse to anyone again until today. I was at a local AA meeting and a male survivor openly shared his story. I was amazed. After talking with him today he referred me here. So here I am. Don't know anyone but I'm just gonna be me. I like music and movies. No major yet in school. I'm just going through general studies and meeting cool dudes. Love to hang out with dudes from the community college. That's about it for now.


Edited by lukedamien (04/06/13 12:44 AM)

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#430274 - 04/06/13 01:21 AM Re: New Register [Re: lukedamien]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
Luke,

Welcome to MS. You have a terrible past and a bright future.

Welcome to the forums. Check out the chat room. Read, post, share. There are many here who have survived what you've been through and worse. You're among brothers now.

Cant
_________________________
I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

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#430276 - 04/06/13 01:25 AM Re: New Register [Re: lukedamien]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 929
Luke,

I'm sorry your entire family failed you. But you've already shown that you can walk a rwcovery path headed towards a healthier, safer life.

We're here for you. And you can get better.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#430277 - 04/06/13 01:31 AM Re: New Register [Re: lukedamien]
Candu Offline


Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Hi Luke. I'm sorry that this happened to you. I'm sorry that they didn't believe you when you told. I'm glad that you had someone finally help you. I'm glad that the male survivor at the AA meeting shared his story and directed you here. We believe you. We understand.


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#430279 - 04/06/13 01:47 AM Re: New Register [Re: lukedamien]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Luke

Hey,

Man I can I dentify with so much of what you said. My parents weren't addicts but I didn't get the love I needed from them. I was abused by both my older brothers and their friends and when I told my parents they pushed it under the rug....never to be spoken about again. At 15 I started 'prostituting' myself, though not for money. And like you have said - it wasn't all bad.
Quote:
Just having older males caress and pamper me and give me things and treat me kindly was comforting to me.
I understand completely!

I am so truly sorry for what happened to you!!!

I am sorry your family betrayed you!

I am sorry those men used you. You deserved so much better.

I hope you will find this place a good support network for you (like I have). If you can get into therapy I recommend it.I am glad you were lead here. You have overcome so much already and I am confident that you have a bright future ahead of you too.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#430280 - 04/06/13 01:50 AM Re: New Register [Re: lukedamien]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Thanks to all the repliers

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#430281 - 04/06/13 02:07 AM Re: New Register [Re: Farmer Boy]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Thank you for these comforting words.

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#430300 - 04/06/13 04:34 AM Re: New Register [Re: lukedamien]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Hey Luke,

I'll add my voice to the welcoming committee. You have been through hell, but man you SURVIVED it all! Yes, we all have wounds and scars. But we are finding healing together.

Telling about what happened is a huge step in that process. It took great courage, especially given your bad experience telling your aunt. Keep up the good work man.

Yeah I understand the age thing. But there are guys here of all ages, orientations, backgrounds, and from many countries. You'll find friends here.

I'm one of the older ones myself. I spent most of my life trying to numb the pain through drugs, alcohol, and sex. Now I'm totally sober and facing what was done to me as a kid for the first time. I'm glad to hear you're in AA and have found someone who suffered CSA to share with. I've disclosed my CSA at AA meetings and found a lot of support, as well as finding others who went through similar experiences.

Looking forward to hearing more from you. Glad you're here.

Jude
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

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#430302 - 04/06/13 05:02 AM Re: New Register [Re: Jude]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Originally Posted By: Jude
Hey Luke,

I'll add my voice to the welcoming committee. You have been through hell, but man you SURVIVED it all! Yes, we all have wounds and scars. But we are finding healing together.

Telling about what happened is a huge step in that process. It took great courage, especially given your bad experience telling your aunt. Keep up the good work man.

Yeah I understand the age thing. But there are guys here of all ages, orientations, backgrounds, and from many countries. You'll find friends here.

I'm one of the older ones myself. I spent most of my life trying to numb the pain through drugs, alcohol, and sex. Now I'm totally sober and facing what was done to me as a kid for the first time. I'm glad to hear you're in AA and have found someone who suffered CSA to share with. I've disclosed my CSA at AA meetings and found a lot of support, as well as finding others who went through similar experiences.

Looking forward to hearing more from you. Glad you're here.

Jude


Thanks Jude. Age has always been a number to me. Alot of dudes I know are older than me. Maybe I just always wanted a real father. To this day we don't know who my real dad is. I suppose deep down it still bothers me. I'm glad to make your acquaintance reading threads I see you've replied to alot in support and thanks for replying tome to.

Ttyl Jude

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#430335 - 04/06/13 03:05 PM Re: New Register [Re: lukedamien]
dumont Offline


Registered: 03/28/13
Posts: 34
Loc: No where
Hey Luke,

Welcome, I am really glad to meet you.
I am always so amazed how with all the shit in your past you can go to college and keep it together. You really are amazing.
There is so much to learn from some one as strong as you.
I admire you.
dumont

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#430399 - 04/07/13 06:20 AM Re: New Register [Re: lukedamien]
Metolius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/12
Posts: 41
Loc: Oregon
Hi Luke.

Welcome!

My initial reaction to reading your story was strong, and for a moment I could only imagine composing a profanity-laced message expressing my rage for the horrors you have lived through.

Instead, let me just say congratulations for developing some keen survivor instincts to have arrived at this point in your life. Congratulations on reaching out for help with your addictions and for daring to trust a couple helpful souls who have recently appeared in your life.

I hope you find a sense of belonging here on this website and in the recovery communities in which you are finding support.

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#430404 - 04/07/13 08:30 AM Re: New Register [Re: Metolius]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Thank you. The things everyone says to me on here are so kind and helpful to me. I'm starting to feel like I don't deserve it. Like I blow it all out of proportion. I hope what brought you here is getting better for you too. I hope what brought every dude here is getting better for them. I don't really know too much of anything anyone has been through. I'm too scared to read through the details of it. I watched the movie about the Wallflower about a month ago on cable. I didn't even know it dealt with csa. The description was vaguely written. I only thought some actors were good-looking in it. With the story as a whole I was beside myself with emotions. I was also scared to sleep, especially alone that night. I kinda feel that reading the details on here will be the same. That was a fictional story line. This is actual reality. Maybe I'm still not really ready to deal with all of this yet.

I do feel like a coward for it. But I can't help myself. I learn not to wallow in self pity. That's bad to do. I hope I don't seem ungrateful or anything. It's just that I feel like I'm making my life seem more messed up than it was. I've been raised to believe that no matter what's happening. It could always be worst. So I pretty much believe that things the other dudes went through were way worse than me. I hope my writing earlier didn't make me sound like I'm trying to be in a pity party. And I hope this one doesn't either. I know I can't cry over spilled milk. So I will try not to get in a pity party anymore when I write. Guess just dealing with it again after so long make it really come back alive. That's the reason I sounded so emotional. Feeling a little better today.

Ttyl

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#430449 - 04/08/13 03:07 AM Re: New Register [Re: lukedamien]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Hey Luke

It's good to see you posting and sharing your journey - I am especially glad that you have found support in AA to find tools that help you live a better life and have a positive healthy relationships-

Without sobriety, sponsorship and the steps I don't think I could have faced
My abuse honestly and started to untangle how messed up my thinking, my self-esteem and my sexuality had become.

Learn to be gentle and to take care of yourself in positive healthy ways-I know it's a challenge for those of us who come from messed up backgrounds- but we are proof that progress is possible!

Jamie
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#430469 - 04/08/13 06:50 AM Re: New Register [Re: Mountainous Buck]
lukedamien Offline


Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Thank you

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#430856 - 04/11/13 12:24 PM Re: New Register [Re: lukedamien]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1481
Loc: New York
Hey Luke,

Like cant mentioned you have had a pretty shitty past but a bright future and I think that you will do well here. I know a little about johns and being sold but I'm lucky that my mother wasn't a druggy but I more or less had to leave at 12 years old.

I just want to say welcome to the best place on earth to get your head together and your past behind you. You seem to be young enough to want to succeed in recovery and have some peace in your life.

With a little effort, determination, luck and some magic you will do fine.

Peace, Rainbows, Love & Healing
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

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