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#430130 - 04/04/13 09:23 PM "Re-learning" Intimacy/Fetishes - a question
nel75 Offline

Registered: 03/24/13
Posts: 10
Greetings all...I have made the realization that possibly much of my ex boyfriend's struggles with sex on a shared/connecting level and cuddling/intimacy in general was largely due to CSA. Before I jump to any conclusions I was hoping to maybe get a little input here.

I knew he had grown up in a very dysfunctional family and has admitted to having "just" a sexual attraction and fantasies about his mother up until his 20s. He has also admitted to one time where there was a "minor" (as if any are minor) forced incestuous encounter between him and an adult male relative when he was in his early teens (he is in his late 40's now).

When I met him I knew he had a few harmless (and common, apparently) fetishes which I did not mind at all...but now that its over, the more I read on this site the more I can't help but think the fetishes, too, were a means to distance himself sexually from an actual flesh & blood woman. Our breakup was abrupt - no fight, no betrayal - I was his 'soul mate' one week and someone he needed to escape from the next. I know he felt bad when he could not get "more into" sex with me (though he was very much so in the beginning months). I was the first woman he had been close to in many years, and I wonder if, despite my efforts to be understanding and put his mind at ease, he simply saw himself as permanently "broken" and has given up in shame.

I know everyone's situation is different, but any input would be appreciated!

Is it possible to "re-wire" your sexuality when your "preference" (I don't want to say "dysfunction") is one that stems from CSA? I am not talking at all about gay vs straight/Bi whatever, but a gay/straight/bi man who simply CAN'T feel totally comfortable sharing a sexual experience with a loved one...but has no problem getting off to an object that symbolizes one.

I am just beyond heartbroken as he was SO loving, we were so similar in so many ways and he never stopped raving about me and how good I was for him to me and everyone else...just very, very sad and confused here...for myself and him frown

(FYI, he is the most honest, happily eccentric and open-minded person I have ever met. If he were gay, he would just BE gay - but he is not).

Edited by nel75 (04/04/13 09:27 PM)

#430184 - 04/05/13 09:56 AM Re: "Re-learning" Intimacy/Fetishes - a question [Re: nel75]
peroperic2009 Offline


Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3817
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi nel75,
you post some difficult issue I would say. Many of us here are in search of resorting missing parts that include sexuality and intimacy. Many times there scars from abuse are the most visible.
I wouldn't say that survivors are looking specifically into some sort of fetishes to distance self from real women/partners/spouses but rather we are prone to some behaviors that could be understood and seen as reenacting abuse. There is a lot of reasons for that and it is difficult to break the cycle when it is in function for many years. But I'm sure it is possible.

My story

#430223 - 04/05/13 02:30 PM Re: "Re-learning" Intimacy/Fetishes - a question [Re: nel75]
Shawushka Offline

Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Peroperic said it well.

#430248 - 04/05/13 04:39 PM Re: "Re-learning" Intimacy/Fetishes - a question [Re: nel75]
nel75 Offline

Registered: 03/24/13
Posts: 10
Thank you Peroperic for your response! I agree, it does seem like that the common response is being drawn to "reenacting" the abuse. I was just wondering if there were any men on this site who have fetishes - say for women's clothing, underwear or shoes - that they might feel was an unconscious result of unwanted incestuous desires/memories...?


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