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#430093 - 04/04/13 05:20 PM Permanent Markers
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
So there was ALL this stuff happening to me, at me, with me and by me that involved pants-off and same-sex contact. The perps threw-on the sexuality switch and training-day commenced.

The billions of magazines one of their Fathers had, depicted men & women, men & little girls, men & boys, boy & get the idea. But they used what they saw as a play-book for things to try on me.

I was a blank-slate. So I learned everything I was made to do and was done to me. And because "that all" involves physical feeling, pain, contact, my first 1000 orgasms BEFORE puberty and so-on, my training was rather umm...strong.

[Phunny Side-bar]
By 10, I actually labeled myself as "addicted to it." One horrible T asked "How the heck did YOU even know what "addicted" was.!?!?! You were 10....10-yos don't know that word." My retort: "it was 1971 (bitch!), do you remember Hippies? (cuz you were clearly one I have to ASK that) Do you recall everything in the news about them and college students and Vietnam soldiers revolving around DRUG addiction (for fuck-sake woman)? And I was bright enough (unlike YOU) to interpret a word into other applications (bitch)!" [end phunny sidebar]

So my interpretation and experience with my pants-off was "twisted" by any definition..."FKG twisted!"

My attraction to peers may have been natural (both genders). But most boys from 8-15 don't "bed" everyone he liked. But I did. I liked girls and had my first "sex with a girl" at 18.

Now imagine having "events" with the perps blaring in my head the entire time I was with ANYONE...including my WIFE!!! I can't even self-serve without vivid replays of that grotesque bull-shit!

From 18 to about 12 hours ago, I always associated achievement of an orgasm with vivid images of them and that! And I say "achievement of an orgasm" cuz none of it was sex and will never BE sex. Its just a totally fkt replay of child-rape videos.

The end result has always been nausea, guilt, shame, nausea, self-hatred, disgust, nausea, and general eeewww...omg omg omg wtf Still!?!?! What is WRONG with you?!?

So I give up. There never will be "healthy sex" for me whereas child-porn (IN LIVING COLOR) runs through my head no matter who i'm with.

Am I alone in this?

Edited by Still (04/04/13 05:27 PM)

#430097 - 04/04/13 06:31 PM Re: Permanent Markers [Re: Still]
Survivinguy Offline

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 318
Loc: Colorado
You are not alone.

And it can get better. I am likewise married and at times struggle with the "replays" running in my head when I want to be present and intimate with my wife. I learned to visualize my inner child running to my adult self wanting me to remember one of the particular abuse events - my inner child self totally distraught and coming to my adult self begging to be heard, saved, validated, etc. The trick for me was to learn to set boundaries with my inner child. I will hear, I will save, I will validate but it can't be anytime any place all the time. If I'm going to hear/save/validate my inner child, I need a healthy adult self with healthy adult time to be able to be there for my inner child at a time and place I can designate to address the memory.

Part of taking back the control that was stolen from me as a child is controlling when I will process the memories. It doesn't always work. There are times the flashbacks are so strong I am lost in reliving the memory. But there are many more times now that I can calm my inner child, reassure him I will make time for "us" to process the memory, visualize a safe place for my inner child to be while I remain present in my adult self and attend to whatever healthy adult activity I was attempting before my inner child came running to me with another memory. It's not easy. It doesn't work all the time but I have been able to take some control sometimes of not reliving the abuse every moment of every day.

My abuse was over 10 years, was daily for lengthy periods of time and involved a sex ring for a few years - I can relate to your re-experiencing in living color the abuse. I understand the feelings of shame and guilt from orgasms. I have experienced the sense of self-hatred for "responding" to sexual stimulation and, one step further, I hated myself for being male.

But it can get better.

Hope this makes sense and helps.

Stay strong and heal well.

I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

#430098 - 04/04/13 06:37 PM Re: Permanent Markers [Re: Still]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
You are not alone in this.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#430103 - 04/04/13 08:08 PM Re: Permanent Markers [Re: Still]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:04 AM)

#430104 - 04/04/13 08:39 PM Re: Permanent Markers [Re: Still]
SouthernLaw Offline

Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Arkansas
Alone? No! My childhood sexual encounters rule my life. Sex life? I haven't had a sex life since I was around 30. I am 39 now. Masturbation.... well that is no good for me as well. I do it, dont get me wrong but the moment I climax I am overwhelmed with shame, embarrassment and self hatred. Hell I can't get close to myself more or less someone else. Ok here is the break down..... this is how sick I am; when I do masturbate I often think of some of my friends or even my brother. Not with the idea that thinking of them in this way is "sexual" but rather bonding with them. I know that is wrong BUT I associate male bonding in this manor. I can NOT believe that I am admitting this shit!! BUT YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

As a recovering alcoholic and addict, I have found it difficult to learn to live with "feelings". I am still very emotionally "sick". So I am left with the question, "Now what". I can deal with the vicious cycle of being raped then loved but it is the fall out from the past that hurts me today.

#430118 - 04/04/13 10:56 PM Re: Permanent Markers [Re: Still]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Thank you for discussing something so tough guys. I have a bad habit of hitting nerves in this stuff.

I dismissed the fact that my T would not even discuss the idea of another spouse for me. He pretty much said "that's a non-starter...forgetaboutit!"

I get SO very full of nausea and self-disgust-loathing-hatred immediately following a self-serve, I just had to come to the conclusion that T was right.

#430120 - 04/04/13 11:06 PM . [Re: Still]
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island

Edited by Life's A Dream (04/22/13 03:18 AM)

#430133 - 04/05/13 02:01 AM Re: Permanent Markers [Re: Life's A Dream]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream

Nope. I've come to the conclusion real sex is impossible for me.

Ya ever notice that when we come to a conclusion round here, its never a happy thing?

#430143 - 04/05/13 03:08 AM Re: Permanent Markers [Re: Still]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/23/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
My conclusion is that I don't expect true sexual intimacy to ever occur again. I give up on that.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#430222 - 04/05/13 06:22 PM Re: Permanent Markers [Re: Still]
Agate Offline

Registered: 03/20/13
Posts: 37
Loc: Minnesota
I'm in this boat

I hide under the guise of wanting to please. My partner is the important one. I'll cum either way. I try to exhaust her and hopefully my orgasam just happens.

It's just a physical reaction.

It's the after that I need. To be held quietly. Bask in her afterglow. Be praised for what i have done. Good boy.

If I could just be held that way without having to orgasam first.


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