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#429988 - 04/03/13 06:56 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 03:02 AM)

#429993 - 04/03/13 07:08 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
overcomer4life Offline

Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
Whew! Yes sir......

#430002 - 04/03/13 08:54 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
brother2none Offline

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 269
Loc: Undisclosed
I am feeling the burden today. Everything seems difficult today.

#430007 - 04/03/13 09:20 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
csasurvivor1992 Offline

Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas

I totally agree. I didn't want any of this to define me either! I just wanted to be free of all of the trappings of "victim" or "survivor." I didn't choose this life, it was FORCED onto me. I just want to be NORMAL!

I completely agree with you.

Then I had a journal session this week which changed everything. I had been thinking therapy was a treatment for something "wrong" with me. Like I was somehow fucked up. But, I didn't do anything wrong? So I get the pain of abuse and the shame of recovery? But I didn't do anything wrong. My issue was shame. I felt ashamed... but I didn't do anything wrong. Still, as I write and go through this, I didn't do anything wrong! I am free from any guilt for any of the abuse, incest, rape. I am free from any of the blame. I feel ashamed, but I didn't do anything wrong.

I just want to have normal reactions, normal responses, not be overwhelmed every minute of every day with the memory that I was sodomized.

Then it hit me. I am normal. I have normal responses. Something awful happened to me, and I have had normal and appropriate responses. I am not messed up, or fucked up, or weird or anything. I am me. I am me. I am normal and have experienced a normal response to the tragedies of my childhood.

I could only write that after I accepted that something happened to me and it wasn't my fault. I am normal. We are all normal.

I wish you luck brother. You are exactly where you need to be. Keep moving forward, that's all any of us can do.
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

#430086 - 04/04/13 04:03 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
ScaredSam Offline

Registered: 04/02/13
Posts: 2
Your post is the first one I saw on this site Si. In the last few days I have been feeling very outcast from my social group, some of them having over-heard a conversation with my mom (I opened up about my CSA two weeks ago), and now they cannot make eye contact with me, they just look at the ground. This is my worst fear, that I would be treated differently, all I want is a "normal" life.

Edited by ScaredSam (04/04/13 04:53 PM)

#430189 - 04/05/13 02:45 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
blacken Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1980
Loc: Northern Ohio
Be treated 'different' is going to happen, yet you may want to keep in mind that 99% of people don't know what to do with that information. "Looking at the ground" is simply easier.

AND, you your self don't yet know what to say or lead them to a state of understanding.

It's certainly a scary journey into uncharted waters for you, your family & everyone else.
Keep in mind that people say stupid things out of ignorance, fear, & being overwhelmed.

Try doing this math problem 42,457 divided by 393, with a gun to ur head & 5 seconds to respond. Looking u in the eye can feel like the gun. The pressure to say the Right Thing when you have no idea what that Right Answer is. Its easier to look away. To avoid.

None of this is your fault!

Being scared in this situation is actually normal, Sam.

There is SO Much to this than can be said here.

Keep asking questions. Keep posting how u feel.

#430191 - 04/05/13 03:26 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
This may be over the top, but I ran across it the other day and it's meant a lot to me:

In particular, the top one, "I wish I had been true to myself...." That one has given me a lot of peace when I've felt as if I'm "not normal" or that my desire to be true to myself is out of step with what others expect of me.

#430262 - 04/05/13 10:31 PM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
ScaredSam Offline

Registered: 04/02/13
Posts: 2
Thank you for the support Blacken. I guess I can understand now what my friends are experiencing. I hadn't really thought of it that way because I had the first hand knowledge I think. Time will most likely render a response better than looking at the ground, but it's not something that I expect them to talk to me about if they don't feel comfortable about it. Another part to it is that I am in a residential treatment program so I think I should have assumed someone would over hear that call, though I had a white noise machine on. It has made it a little more difficult while attending group therapy because they don't respond to me the same as before when I say I am depressed or anxious or scared, but like I said, time may change that. Thanks again Blacken.

#430305 - 04/06/13 05:29 AM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: si]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Last Sunday night I was at a barbie (Barbecue for you guys in the US) with some friends. It was Easter Sunday night. All the guys were outside on the deck and the girls and kids inside. There was 6 guys sitting around the table. SIX!

We started talking about movies and one of them started talking about some horror film he saw as a teenager and how he had a nightmare after watching it. His only nightmare ever! Then a few more talked about the last time they had a nightmare - all way back in their teens and most after a horror movie. Two guys had never had a nightmare. I was VERY quiet.

If I told them what happens in my nightmares THEY would have nightmares.

I was the 1 in 6.

I just wanted to be one of the 5 in 6. I just wanted to be normal.

More than meets the eye!

#430309 - 04/06/13 07:41 AM Re: I just want to be normal (venting) [Re: Still]
lukedamien Offline

Registered: 04/05/13
Posts: 68
Is it for sure we will never feel normal. I don't think I've ever felt normal at all. I just always was the little fag. Being gay doesn't make me feel abnormal as a whole but in a general sense. It makes me feel like a different species because it's 2013 and they still argue rather I should be allowed the human respect to marry who I might love. I. The US I thought there was supposed to b be liberty and justice for all. But I'm ranting sorry dude.

I felt abnormal in elementary school. The kids joked and all called each other fags to insult and tease. I was having gay sex. I didn't feel normal at all. All that happened was not normal. I still don't feel normal though I'm proud to be gay. But my life's journey wasn't normal. Ive been hoping one day to feel normal. I'm just wondering if normalcy comes after some time dealing with it all.

Ttyl dude.

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