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#429799 - 04/02/13 09:52 AM My perp's grave
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1060
I visited my perp's grave yesterday. I wanted to piss on it or deface it, but it was too close to the road and there were other graveyard visitors, so I fought away those temptations.

I told him he ruined my life, but I didn't get emotional.

I took a picture of his grave and tried to upload it here, but couldn't figure out how.

One thing that confused me is that his first wife died in 1983, which means she would have been alive during the period of my abuse, but I remember him as living alone as a widower. So my memory issues strike again.

Also, I disclosed to the local newspaper editor, who is a friend of mine. She said that my perp, even though he died at 91 years old, was referred to as "horn dog" until the end. A skirt chaser. A dirty old man.

So, while the date of the death of his first wife doesn't fit my understanding of him, the "horn dog" comment certainly does.

But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found / No spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.

#429888 - 04/02/13 10:22 PM Re: My perp's grave [Re: cant_remember]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1231
Loc: The ATL

Hi Can't. Sorry that your memory issues confuse this issue so much for you. I wish there was something more I could say. Hopefully someday you'll learn something that will make more of this fall into place. I will say that while your anger at your perp is 100% valid and understandable, I'm glad you didn't deface his grave. Not that he wouldn't have deserved it but because you could have gotten in serious trouble for it if you'd have been caught. Then, in the end, that would have just been one more way in which you let this perp impact your life negatively. Don't let that happen man. Peace,


#429892 - 04/02/13 10:30 PM Re: My perp's grave [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1060
Thanks, Ken.

The defacing desire was just a fantasy, probably won't act on it. It's not a tombstone; it's a brass plate on a marble slab.

The 1983 death date for his first wife gives me a new question to explore, a new lead to follow. I'm tackling my memory issues like a film noir detective on a case.

There will be a funeral soon for another neighbor in the old neighborhood. I will have a chance to see people there and will be able to ask them about 1983 and my perp.

But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found / No spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.

#429916 - 04/03/13 07:58 AM Re: My perp's grave [Re: cant_remember]
Survivinguy Offline

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 316
Loc: Colorado
I admire your strength! I know where my perp's grave sight is but I have never felt the strength to go there during my visits to that state. I think I'd cry or become filled with rage and then feel ashamed of letting a dead man affect me so much.

I think your memory of him being single could certainly still make sense - its very likely he portrayed himself as living alone in an effort to isolate you. It could have been the times you were there were intentionally times he knew he'd be alone.

It's affirming and saddening to hear to hear others in the community knew him to be a "horn dog".

I hope your strength and courage remains when you see others from that time period.

Stay strong

I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

#430102 - 04/04/13 03:56 PM Re: My perp's grave [Re: cant_remember]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 733
Loc: VA
+++TRIGGERS, of course+++

Sometimes when my anger resurfaces, I imagine I'd like to find the perp's grave, $#!+ on it and say: "There! I had your baby."

Fortunately, I don't know the guy's name, whether he's dead yet, or where he would be buried. I can only hope he received summary judgment from one of his other victims or from a fellow prisoner... or maybe died a lingering, painful death from cirrhosis...

But despite my endless supply of bottled-up anger, there's NO WAY I'd ever call him "my perp." He may have left his mark, but I don't grant him membership in my mind.



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